Should I let him go
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Anonymous
| My husband and I used to be on a working visa. We are immigrants from a third world country in Asia. We came here so that we can support our 2 little boys back home whom we haven't seen in 4 years. Our new visa was just approved which means we can finally bring the kids here to study. Our visa requires that we stay for a continued presence of 3 yrs. unfortunately, it seems like I am the only one who's happy about it. My husband wants to go back home and start our life there again. We have a poor country which means we cannot swnd our kids to good schools and our salaries are not enough to feed our family. Today we have a better life but my husband insist that we go back home. I am thinking about our kid's future. It seems like he only think of his personal feelings. No matter how I try to explain to him we just end up fighting. What shall I do? Letting him go back home means not seeing him for 3 or so years and the kids will be here in the US with me which means I will be a single parent. I feel like he is scared of responsibilities. Is our marriage still worth keeping? |
Anonymous
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I'd want to find out more from him. Why doesn't he want to stay? What does he want to go home for? What was his goal in coming to the US? Is that still his goal?
It seems like you're thinking of advancing the family as a unit, long-term. Is that also his goal? |
Anonymous
| Let him go. |
Anonymous
| which visa you are on? J1? |
Anonymous
I agree. But, in the end, I'd rather be a single mom giving my kids a better future than going back to a place where their futures were limited. |
Anonymous
| OP here. He is not generally happy here. Maybe he misses the fun in our country. He feels like we are alone here. He followed me since he was my h1b dependent in '09 without a clear plan of we'll stay here or not. Upon staying for 4 yrs. working our ass off he finally felt that it's time to go home. Aside from that my husband is very close to his parents whom he misses. They're kinda old and sickly and wants to visit them. We can apply for advance parole so he can step out but with out visa type it seems impossible to be able to come back. Our visa is T. Just research on that. |
Anonymous
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He followed you here. It's your turn to follow him back home.
Take what you accomplished here and be entrepreneurial in your home country. |
Anonymous
OP, this is a very, very tough situation and I feel for you. Your point of view is very valid but so is his. If I were you, my number one concern would be reuniting the family. If you haven't seen your kids in this long of a time, you have some repair work to do there. It seems to me that that could best be accomplished as an intact family, either here or there. Do you have a counselor of some type that you can talk to more in depth about this? A minister or clergy person? I would also consult a lawyer to begin to understand the long-term ramifications of what either decision will be. |
Anonymous
| You both are in a tough position. I can imagine how hard it is for your DH. I just can't help but think, though, that we sacrifice for our kids to have a better life. I looked up the T visa and I can only imagine what you're experiences are and what it would be like for you to return to your country of origin. I think I'd do what all our immigrant ancestors did - I'd leave behind loved ones to have a chance to build a better life. |
Anonymous
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OP, I realized that when I had kids, my needs/wants come second, until those kids are able to stand on their own. It's tough and it's a big adjustment to always have to put other people first, even if they are your kids but you owe them that.
IF you really KNOW for a fact that your kids will have a better life here in America than at home, then you owe it to them to stay. If, on the other hand, based on your financial standing now, you know that their lives in your home country won't be that bad. Then you should go back home with your husband. |
Anonymous
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Immigrant here. I can sympathize with both of you. It seems like you haven't had an easy life, either here or at home. From your post, it seems like your husband is probably young ("he misses the fun of our country" "he feels we are alone".) *Every* Immigrant misses home to some extent and feels more lonely here. That's normal. But one needs to see the long term goals. That's what needs to be defined, as individuals and, above all, as a family. If you are poor in a poor country, chances are your kids will also be poor. Are your poor / below middle class in your country? Then I can see why you think things for your kids might be better here. But the operative word is "might". Not everyone makes it here. The US is not for everyone. There is no guarantee that your kids will be substantially better off here. What helps is to have both parents on the same page who are willing to sacrifice for the kids (and forget about the "fun" in the home country). The sickly parents is an important issue, but shouldn't drive your decision as a family unit.
If he can convince himself that it's worth to give it a shot, then he should stay. But if he will feel that you are forcing him to stay, then things won't work out. One option would be to negotiate a give yourself a year or two, with the kids here, to see if he is happy and if you are happy. (You might be surprised how many immigrants don't like the idea of raising kids here). Then you can decide. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Fellow-immigrant here. 9:50 describes the dilemma well.
It depends from which country you are. How is health care? What if (god forbid) one of your kids or one of you get sick in the future -- would there be a hospital that can take care of you back home? The US is obviously a much better place [assuming you have insurance]. Tough choice. |