How to intervene

[Anonymous]

Will try to make a long story short. My brother has a 10 year old daughter. His wife - not the mother - is deployed right now. (The mother died within a year of giving birth from meningitis.) Bro asked OUR mother to help him out. He has never really amounted to much, has some mental issues (undiagnosed), drug and alcohol problems.

Our mom went to where he lives. He is constantly throwing her out because of his temper but then apologizes. She's been going back because she does not want to leave his daughter in this situation.

Bro threatens suicide, is verbally abusive to daughter, drinks heavily. Will not go for inpatient treatment. He is NOT physically abusive to his daughter and is scared that the state will take her away. She doesn't really want to leave her dad (she parents him, really), but she is also very scared, stressed, not sleeping, etc.

I really want to do SOMETHING but I don't know what to do. Since he is not physically abusing her, or neglecting her, I don't know that I can report anything. Any ideas? I feel like I need to try to save that little girl.

[Anonymous]

You can start by writing to this girl, regularly. Email if you can. Make it clear that she can ask you anything she wants. Talk to her on the phone. Be her friend, her advocate. Establish meaningful contact that cannot be cut off by her father. Espouse education, make a climate of good values.

[Anonymous]

Call CPS.

[Anonymous]

I would like to, but I don't think that's an option. My brother is very controlling as well. In fact, my mother tells me when I can text/call/email her right now because my brother checks the phone, computer, etc. He is unemployed, so I doubt I could find a way to open a channel of communication without him finding out somehow.

[Anonymous]

Can you or your mother petition the courts for custody of her? I have no idea how this works but it sounds like you could give her a better home, maybe speak with a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would like to, but I don't think that's an option. My brother is very controlling as well. In fact, my mother tells me when I can text/call/email her right now because my brother checks the phone, computer, etc. He is unemployed, so I doubt I could find a way to open a channel of communication without him finding out somehow.

Then what are you asking for?

Just validation that the situation sucks?

There is no permission needed to call CPS and given the description they won't take her out of the home but first offer services to your brother. If that didnt work, they would ask family next before they place her into foster care.

[Anonymous]

I agree with calling CPS. Neglect is considered abuse - there doesn't have to be physical harm for a child to be in danger. If you are willing to be an option for the child for housing that will speak volumes also (to CPS and to the child).

Are there maternal family members involved? They would probably have significant sway with the courts if it comes to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would like to, but I don't think that's an option. My brother is very controlling as well. In fact, my mother tells me when I can text/call/email her right now because my brother checks the phone, computer, etc. He is unemployed, so I doubt I could find a way to open a channel of communication without him finding out somehow.

Then what are you asking for?

Just validation that the situation sucks?

There is no permission needed to call CPS and given the description they won't take her out of the home but first offer services to your brother. If that didnt work, they would ask family next before they place her into foster care.

I was responding to the reply that suggested I communicate with her. Not the CPS one. Thanks for the snark, and the insightful reply, though!

[Anonymous]

The dilemma I am having with CPS is that there is not neglect or physical abuse. I will try to report him for verbal abuse, but I don't know how far that will go.

Talking to a lawyer is probably our best, realistic option now.

No maternal family contact... brother successfully cut them off a long time ago, and they have not fought it.

I would love to let her come live with us. I am worried the state might just take her away and put her in foster care before placing her with family. That's a risk we'll just have to take though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call CPS.

It sucks, but I really think this is the right choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dilemma I am having with CPS is that there is not neglect or physical abuse. I will try to report him for verbal abuse, but I don't know how far that will go.

Talking to a lawyer is probably our best, realistic option now.

No maternal family contact... brother successfully cut them off a long time ago, and they have not fought it.

I would love to let her come live with us. I am worried the state might just take her away and put her in foster care before placing her with family. That's a risk we'll just have to take though.

If it's not neglect or physical abuse, then CPS will not dispatch the storm troopers. They will, however, be able to direct you (or him) to resources to help him out. If it is abuse/neglect, they will work with the family before whisking her away. And even if they say "sorry, can't help you <click>" then no harm, no foul, and you will have tried. But the best people to tell if this does rise to abuse/neglect is CPS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dilemma I am having with CPS is that there is not neglect or physical abuse. I will try to report him for verbal abuse, but I don't know how far that will go.

Talking to a lawyer is probably our best, realistic option now.

No maternal family contact... brother successfully cut them off a long time ago, and they have not fought it.

I would love to let her come live with us. I am worried the state might just take her away and put her in foster care before placing her with family. That's a risk we'll just have to take though.

CPS will look favorably on a family placement option (assuming you check out) in most cases. The foster system is pretty stressed and family placements are always better when possible and deemed safe for the child.

FYI, a child that is in a home with a parent who is frequently drunk or absent is being neglected. A child that is scared and perceived as "parenting the parent" is one that needs help. You are doing the right thing to intervene on her behalf. I know there is a terrible stigma around calling CPS but they can provide all kinds of resources and support, even if the case doesn't rise to the court level.

Bless you for caring and having the strength to take action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dilemma I am having with CPS is that there is not neglect or physical abuse. I will try to report him for verbal abuse, but I don't know how far that will go.

Talking to a lawyer is probably our best, realistic option now.

No maternal family contact... brother successfully cut them off a long time ago, and they have not fought it.

I would love to let her come live with us. I am worried the state might just take her away and put her in foster care before placing her with family. That's a risk we'll just have to take though.

Unless the placement is voluntary, the lawyer can't help you. He/she would direct you first to get CPS involved.

[Anonymous]

Any chance you could offer to take her for the summer when school is out? twofold he go for that? or Grandma could take her for the summer. Act like its a summer vacation treat or something.

When is his wife supposed to return and is she fairly stable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any chance you could offer to take her for the summer when school is out? *twofold he go for that? or Grandma could take her for the summer. Act like its a summer vacation treat or something.

When is his wife supposed to return and is she fairly stable?

*any chance