Mooching family

[Anonymous]

My fiancé is from a different culture. I have been very open to this in our three years of being together. We are still growing and learning together a lot of it is me getting to know his family and how they function. They are from Cameron in Africa ,they had working class beginnings in cameron and now are middle class. They live in a gated community and have three cars. Out of his ten cousins ( he refers to them as brother and sisters) who are 22 and older six of them still are unmarried and live at home they all have either engineering,nursing , a couple even went to med school. They don't work or look for work,I'm not sure what they do and have left that as their personal business. My husband on the other hand moved here went to an ivy league, while having two jobs and is finishing medical school. He also was the sole inheritor of millions. His family knows this and uses him to the point of even his frustration, but he just tells me its his culture and will change when we get married. One in particular greedy "sister" has gotten 20,000 for a remodeled kitchen, 5000 for a down payment on a car,10,000 for "bills" in the past year. THis women makes 200k a year and is married with two children living in New York. We have people calling us from Africa all the time asking for money. His uncle had the nerve to ask him for 7million dollars and stated that it would help my fiancé get more fasfa. His father called him and asked him to buy a third car. His cousin asks for a new phone every six months. The constant mooching of his family makes me look at them differently.I do not feel that I will be able to stop working fulltime incase he over gives. He has made steps and hired a financial advisor who puts him on a budget but he acts like a child at times and will just pull money from elsewhere.I just am starting to get frustrated with him instead of being on his team. Once these people are done using him and he's spent what he has available he comes to me and I have to pay his phone bill or give him gas money

[Anonymous]

And your question is...

Will this change?
No.
Can you change him?
No.
Will complaining about his family make him change?
No.
Should you marry him.
No.
Should you have children with him?
No.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused. He is the sole inheritor of millions? Did he inherit this instead of the "mooching" cousins because he is the oldest or something? If so, then I would assume that is because he is the oldest and therefore head of the family and he is supposed to use the money to take care of the rest of the family, is that right?

[Anonymous]

Op here. He inherited from his mothers side she was the oldest child of his grandfathers first wife. Yes i just said that. These cousins are from his fathers side. I think taking care would be help with school or potential hospital bills. Not added luxuries. My thing is he has taken a step and hired an advisor and acknowledged his family is mooching. But how do I trust that he will keep his priorities straight and why are they like this? THey have great educations and potential

[Anonymous]

Assuming this post is real:
No it will not change.
You may have to change your expectations, but this type of behavior is considered normal in many cultures.
Decide whether it is something you can live with for the long term.

[Anonymous]

The country is called Cameroon, not cameron.

Anyway, don't marry him, this won't change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My fiancé is from a different culture. I have been very open to this in our three years of being together. We are still growing and learning together a lot of it is me getting to know his family and how they function. They are from Cameron in Africa ,they had working class beginnings in cameron and now are middle class. They live in a gated community and have three cars. Out of his ten cousins ( he refers to them as brother and sisters) who are 22 and older six of them still are unmarried and live at home they all have either engineering,nursing , a couple even went to med school. They don't work or look for work,I'm not sure what they do and have left that as their personal business. My husband on the other hand moved here went to an ivy league, while having two jobs and is finishing medical school. He also was the sole inheritor of millions. His family knows this and uses him to the point of even his frustration, but he just tells me its his culture and will change when we get married. One in particular greedy "sister" has gotten 20,000 for a remodeled kitchen, 5000 for a down payment on a car,10,000 for "bills" in the past year. THis women makes 200k a year and is married with two children living in New York. We have people calling us from Africa all the time asking for money. His uncle had the nerve to ask him for 7million dollars and stated that it would help my fiancé get more fasfa. His father called him and asked him to buy a third car. His cousin asks for a new phone every six months. The constant mooching of his family makes me look at them differently.I do not feel that I will be able to stop working fulltime incase he over gives. He has made steps and hired a financial advisor who puts him on a budget but he acts like a child at times and will just pull money from elsewhere.I just am starting to get frustrated with him instead of being on his team. Once these people are done using him and he's spent what he has available he comes to me and I have to pay his phone bill or give him gas money

"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." ~Maya Angelou

He is showing you who he is and what choices he makes. This will not change after you marry. In fact, it will get more intense because he will have less reason (no reason really) to be different to accommodate you and your needs.

Think long and hard about signing up to this.

[Anonymous]

OP, read 10:00. You're trying to understand a situation that makes no sense. Why are they like this? Who knows? It's part of their culture.

You keep throwing in these details when it's quite simple: there is an expectation that money in this family is just given out freely regardless of income, education and where one is living. You want some guarantee that your fiancé will adopt YOUR values around money and family. That guarantee does not exist. This board is littered with married women who thought they had the magic spell to change their man's values. But they didn't and now they're here with rants about their mothers-in-law and how their husband doesn't do what they want. I'm sure this guy is great. But if you want a life of happiness, you need to walk away and find someone without family baggage that is counter to who you are.

[Anonymous]

OP is an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Why are they like this? Because they can be!

It is that simple. They have no reason to change. It is working for them.

And you are paying his bills? Interesting dynamic. He can't say no to them, but what about you?

I am not saying you should get in the mooching line, not at all. But they expect him to pay and he expects you to pay?

And no, he will not change. If you find this hard now, it will only get harder.

[Anonymous]

What is Fasfa?

[Anonymous]

That's very common behavior in some African cultures. and won't change. Consider yourself lucky if it's only family and not random neighbors/friends/acquaintenances calling to ask for money.

I have a few friends or coworkers married to West Africans and their husbands are expected to pay for expensive funerals for random people in their hometowns, to fund schooling for all manner of relatives, to host anyone who gets a visa for months at a time, etc., etc.

I don't think I could do it. If OP decides to move forward, perhaps she could work with her fiance and a financial planner to set up a fund or endowment of some sort to be used only for her and their future kids.

[Anonymous]

If you do marry him, I suggest keeping your premarital assets and any of your own assets separate. Max out accounts that cannot be touched, like 401(k)s and 529.

[Anonymous]

Have you actually SEEN these millions ? Sounds like a scam. You don't pay any millionaire's bills. THEY pay yours dumbass.

[Anonymous]

15:46 your the dumbass many heirs live simply and some do not even tap into their inheritance.