Mooching family
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Anonymous
What, they leave it to their cousins, uncles, aunts and strangers to beg the inheritence out of them? |
Anonymous
| This is called a "kinship network." It is not going to disappear or change, ever. |
Anonymous
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I agree, it will not change.
If it bothers you now, before you're married, imagine how much it is going to bother you when you are married and it is joint income. There is good and bad about a strong kinship network, but this is a huge cultural difference for the two of you. One of the reasons we have such a large, wealthy middle class in this country is a strong sense of individualism. You may or may not change him, you certainly won't change his family. Just wait until you go for a visit. You will need to buy 3 or 4 extra suitcases just to bring all the stuff people want you to buy for them. My sister is married to a Kenyan. He and his family are really lovely (I have visited twice). I could not put up with the constant asks for $$$. |
Anonymous
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This is my primary reason I fear visiting my husband's native country. In addition to the fortune we would spend on transportation, each person that hosted (or even attended) a meal would expect hundreds if not thousands of dollars, money that we dont have to giveaway. Even when my MIL/FIL we are suppose to send money with them.
They believe everyone in America is rich. |
Anonymous
| My pakistani neighbors budget $10,000 - $15,000 in gifts when they go home. They are an older couple, and visit every 10 years or so (spend at least a month there). |
Anonymous
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omg I have to hear constantly how my friend's Chinese born DH forks over their joint money for their opulent lifestyle; they've been married 20 or 25 years now and they've got one kid in college and it drives my friend CRAZY…
and btw my American born DH just asked me to give his parents 6K to put towards a new car in their vacation destination country… I was like, WTF? HUH? and this is after 15 years of marriage…. So fyi, if something is going on like this BEFORE the marriage, you cannot think it will change. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. |
Anonymous
| Just say no. |
Anonymous
| The giving will continue, at least until he goes broke. DH is from a culture with "kinship giving," and I've had to accept it as part of life. A certain part of our income will always have to set aside for his family. We aren't ever going to be as financially secure as we'd like to be, but over time, we've been able to set limits on what we can and can't do. Even then, occasionally things come up like urgently needed medical care and funerals, and sometimes we stretch ourselves thinner than we'd like. You either need to accept that this will be part of your life or move on. I agree with PP that you should keep your finances separate if you do marry, and split bills in half or by a certain percentage based on income. |
Anonymous
| So how is it decided who are the givers and who are the takers? Do the takers ever give anything? |
Anonymous
Wow. |
Anonymous
That's us too (Indians). The reason is that once we go there, people will be hosting us for dinners etc., driving us around and they will also be calling other relatives for the dinner. They will give gifts to our children too, and one way of showing respect to them is to show them that even when we are so far away from them, we think about them. If we stayed in a hotel - it would cost us the same. And the reason one goes back is to visit relatives. It is not Disneyland after all. I don't mind it. I am giving gifts to people here also. People I don't know and care about. During Christmas and through out the years. So, I feel why should I not give to my own kin? |
Anonymous
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Indian here. If my or DH's family needed money from us - (and we had the money to give to them) - I would willingly and happily give to them.
It does have to be for a worthy cause though. So - for education, down payment for home, medical expenses - yes. For bail, drinking and drugs, foreign trips - no. We have helped in the past - and we are happy that we have done that. We know too, who is a moocher and who is not. |
Anonymous
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Regardiing 9:07 and 9:12, both of whom said they give to their own families (Indian) and don't mind -- The red flag for the OP should be the fact, buried very far down in the post, that her fiancé comes to HER and asks her to pay for his most basic monthly bills, once the mooching family members have wiped out his cash flow for the month. If posters can give and give happily AND don't have to have someone else pay their personal bills as a result, that's great. But OP has a much bigger problem here.
And OP: Don't you see the red flag waving in your face? Finances are a real issue here and a real reason to question marrying him. Marry him, marry his family. It's possible that he does not have millions after all, because even with the mooching, why is he ever asking you to pay a basic monthly bill for him? Are these millions tied up in gold bullion, that he can't get at them when the phone bill's due? OP, does he claim things such as "I don't believe in banks so I don't have a checking account" or "I don't keep much in my personal checking because it's tied up in (whatever)"? Have you seen any bank statements, gone over his finances AT the bank with him and a banker sitting there, etc.? Those are things to do if you are engaged and planning to merge finances or buy a home or make wills or anything else. If you have not done that with him yet, do it; set up the appointment with an adviser at a reputable bank and bring ALL his records. If he refuses to do this -- do you want to marry someone who's not transparent about money? He may indeed have millions but be crap at handling them; are you ready to volunteer to handle his money if he wants that, and to tell your new husband a huge "No" when he comes to you saying cousin X needs a phone or cash? Would he let you have that much power over your finances as a couple? Do you then want to be seen by his family as the witch who married him for money and denies them their rightful place at the trough? As others have noted above: He is not going to change and his family absolutely isn't going to change. This is cultural and either you accept it or you don't. It would be acceptable to me if the situation were like those of the PPs who have no issues with it and who apparently aren't having trouble paying their own bills just because they gave gifts to their families. But in your case, your fiancé is claiming he can't pay his own bills at times. That problem becomes your problem when you are married. Either he doesn't have the money he claims he has; he has it and is a horrid cash flow manager; or he has it and cannot say no, and does not ever want to learn to say no because culturally he just can't. Can you live with any of those scenarios for life? |
Anonymous
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My fiancé is from a different culture
I haven't read the whole thread, but this is enough information to say: Have separate finances. |
Anonymous
| DO NOT MARRY HIM. |