Need advice -- family member asking for money (again)
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Anonymous
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I am very close with my aunt (dad's sister). Well, I used to be, anyway. Her life has really gone down the tubes over the past 5 years. She is an alcoholic who regularly goes on and off the wagon. She has two teenage kids and is a single mom. She doesn't make much money and is self-admittedly bad at budgeting the money she does make.
My husband and I have been hit up for money a lot this year between my aunt and my sister. We helped them each buy a car. I bought my aunt snow tires and heating fuel. Won't even start with the things we helped my sister with. I strongly agree with helping family -- that's what family is for, but after the repeated requests I finally told my sister we couldn't help anymore. I got a text this morning from my aunt asking for $150 because her "car is not good". She said she would pay us back on Jan 10th. We are not going to lend her the money but I am feeling very guilty about it. We do have the money to lend, but I am resentful of constantly being put in this position. The other thing is, I know for a fact that she does not plan to go without beer and cigarettes between now and Jan. 10th - so where is that money coming from? How would you suggest I phrase my reply to her? |
Anonymous
| I love you but feel emotionally drained by these requests. This time we are saying no. Sorry. |
Anonymous
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That's tough. She has horrible, expensive habits but its not something she can automatically shut off because of money. Both smoking and alcohol are addictive.
If you do help her, it should come with a stipulation. You will look over her budget and see where the money's going and pay for things directly instead of handing her the cash. |
Anonymous
| My internal rule is that I help children, not adults. |
Anonymous
Agree with this. I would offer to pay a bill before I would give her cash. |
Anonymous
| You aren't helping her. You are enabling her. Read the book "Boundaries." Establish boundaries. This doesn't mean you abandon your family, or that you don't love them. It means you love them enough to want to help them break the destructive cycle. |
Anonymous
| it sounds like family services needs to be brought on board. At least mental health. It almost sounds like she needs a representative payee to handle her finances |
Anonymous
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My boyfriend is like your aunt in the beer and tobacco department. You can't afford gas to get to work the next 3 days, but you've got money to go get beer and cigarettes? Uh, no.
You need to end the precedent of you funding her shortfalls if they happen often enough to be so draining on you. |
Anonymous
| No, buy the kids clothing and school stuff but no more loaning money. |
Anonymous
| You are enabling her destructive patterns because it is easier to give the money then to say no, feel her anger and deal with your guilt. It is much harder to say no, but if you keep enabling she will not change. Believe me it is hard. I just said no to my own mother even though we have the money and her problems aren't at the level of your aunt's. I said no to force her to make some changes that will never be made so long as I or others bail her out. |
Anonymous
| If she can will have the money on January 10, then she can wait to fix the car until then. If she needs the car to visit you, then give her bus or train fare. Say no. |
Anonymous
This, but don't give her fare anywhere. Buy her a book of bus tickets or whatever. Never give her money in any form. I like what someone posted, too, about clothes and school supply gifts for the kids but never money for her. If she gets mean, abusive, accusatory, etc. if you don't fork over cash, don't engage or argue with her. It's pointless to bring up "you want money but can still afford beer.". It's her addictions talking and her feelings of entitlement (which have been fed by being given cash before -- not just by you, right? I'd bet she hits up others for money as well.) Remove yourself from the conversation immediately but don't cut off her kids -- they are not at fault and can't help her being an addict. Be sure that anything you give to them (a) cannot be resold, or is hard to resell, so she can't hawk their gifts for cash (she's less likely to go that route with some basic clothes than with, say, electronics) and (b) is given directly into the kids' hands if possible, not into hers. If she is at any point sensible enough to be told, you need to get to AA yesterday, do it. Maybe someone else in the family is close enough to do an intervention. She is not going to change until she kicks the bottle, frankly. Get a list of AA meetings near her home and her workplace if there is one and keep it close by and give it to any family member who might be able or willing to intervene with her. I would have someone not just fork over a list but offer to drive her to meetings if she'll go, for a while at least. I've seen AA work, truly work, for people I know, but she has to make that first step and it may require someone else to push her. Either way you have to stop giving any money. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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Ask yourself this, am I willing to give, not lend but give this person money with no strings attached and without writing about it on an anonymous forum. If the answer is yes, give and be done with it. If the answer is no then just tell them no without going into any explanation.
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Anonymous
| You may want to consider going to Al-anon for yourself. It's a great system of support for people who have family members with substance abuse problems. |