Sister and I aren't talking, but she sent the kids gifts- do I send a gift back?

[Anonymous]

My alcoholic sister and I haven't talked since August, since she went on an bender and for days called me and left me horrible messages attacking me, my spouse, and my small children. She hasn't called to apologize and did not answer my phone calls after the incidents. She sent the kids a gift card for $100. I have always given her a gift, but I wasn't going to this year due to her behavior. Now that she sent the gift card, I am feeling like I should send her something.

[Anonymous]

Do you want contact with her again? If so, this is a great ice breaker. If not, send the gifts back to her.

What she did sounds pretty egregious. I would think carefully about this.

[Anonymous]

OP here,
I am not the type to send back gifts, but I am wondering if I am being petty by not sending a gift back. I am not ready to get over the messages until she apologizes.

[Anonymous]

The gifts are only for your children, right? I'd let the kids have them. They are not involved in this feud and they shouldn't be. You can still continue to demand an apology but keep the kids out of it. I wouldn't send her anything, but I might send her kids something.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn;t have kids, have the kids make a Christmas card for her, sign it, and send it along with a nice Xmas photo of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,
I am not the type to send back gifts, but I am wondering if I am being petty by not sending a gift back. I am not ready to get over the messages until she apologizes.

OP, use this as an ice-breaker. Call and thank her for the gifts or have the kids call and thank her for the gifts since she sent them to them. Then use it as an opportunity to talk to your sister about getting help and setting up clear and firm boundaries regarding what behaviour you will tolerate. "Larla, I love you and want the best for you. You are clearly deep into your addiction and can no longer manage your behaviour and relationships. I want you to seek help so that you can live a long, and healthy life with healthy relationships. What happened in August will not be tolerated. I love you, but I will not be abused or let my family be abused."
If you are expecting an apology now or later, you are fooling yourself. She is an addict, what do you expect from an addict, non-addictive behaviour. You are setting yourself up to be hurt and disappointed. I suggest you check out Al-Anon for some coping strategies. Best to you and yours -- I hope she gets help.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I am going to give the gifts to the kids. My question was about if I should send my sister something. She does not have kids, only a boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Send her something if you forgive her. The gift to the kids was prob. her apology.

I vote for sending her something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am going to give the gifts to the kids. My question was about if I should send my sister something. She does not have kids, only a boyfriend.

Have the kids send a thank you note. This is what they would do for anyone giving them a gift.

I don't think you should send your sister anything. It's not up to you to manage the relationship. If she is ready to take responsibility for what she said, then fine. To be clear, sending your kids a gift is NOT an apology or taking responsibility for what she did and said to you. You need to have clear boundaries and protect yourself from getting hurt by her. It's not about punishing her, but about taking care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am going to give the gifts to the kids. My question was about if I should send my sister something. She does not have kids, only a boyfriend.

Have the kids send a thank you note. This is what they would do for anyone giving them a gift.

I don't think you should send your sister anything. It's not up to you to manage the relationship. If she is ready to take responsibility for what she said, then fine. To be clear, sending your kids a gift is NOT an apology or taking responsibility for what she did and said to you. You need to have clear boundaries and protect yourself from getting hurt by her. It's not about punishing her, but about taking care of yourself.

+1

[Anonymous]

No. Don't send something.

Is she sober, has she gone to rehab, has she been to months of therapy? I know you probably can't answer these things because you are not talking to her, maybe another family member knows.

If not... No ... Don't send her anything.

This is how alcoholics work, they endear themselves back into your life. She needs to prove she is clean and sober, gifts don't do that.

[Anonymous]

My sibling and I had a falling out and for several years had no contact. My sibling's spouse and I now send gifts for the children. The children can't help that their parents have a horrible sibling relationship. It would be nice if some years down the road the cousins are able to determine on their own if they want a relationship with each other.

Neither my sibling nor I have a history of trying to control people with gifts. If my sibling did have that history, I would probably reject the gift. It's fine for my sibling to give gifts to my children. It is not fine for my sibling to assume that sending gifts means past behavior has become acceptable or forgotten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am going to give the gifts to the kids. My question was about if I should send my sister something. She does not have kids, only a boyfriend.

Have the kids send a thank you note. This is what they would do for anyone giving them a gift.

I don't think you should send your sister anything. It's not up to you to manage the relationship. If she is ready to take responsibility for what she said, then fine. To be clear, sending your kids a gift is NOT an apology or taking responsibility for what she did and said to you. You need to have clear boundaries and protect yourself from getting hurt by her. It's not about punishing her, but about taking care of yourself.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Don't send something.

Is she sober, has she gone to rehab, has she been to months of therapy? I know you probably can't answer these things because you are not talking to her, maybe another family member knows.

If not... No ... Don't send her anything.

This is how alcoholics work, they endear themselves back into your life. She needs to prove she is clean and sober, gifts don't do that.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

OP Here, She doesn't acknowledge that she has a problem. Never has, never will. She will just say she drank to much one night.