mad, MAD at SO

[Anonymous]

My brother died. To make a long story short, he has no will, so his ex-wife of his minor child is in charge. This is unfortunate as they were married 2 years, had an acrimonious divorce (8 years ago) and she truly hates him. (And to be fair about this, I think he treated her very badly, so she has reasons to be resentful and angry.)

However, she is now in charge and this is heartbreaking to me. For instance, she won't release his ashes to be buried with my brother's and my mom. She has no interest or patience for anyone who wants to say anything nice about him or memorialize any of his nice attributes in any way. As I said, I understand she is very hurt and angry at him.

But I am heartbroken. When I complain about various decisions my brother's ex makes to my SO, he is very critical of me. "Why are you bashing her? and "He was just a mess of a person. Who dies without a will? She's doing the best she can." and so forth. I get that he doesn't like hearing me complain, but I am getting angrier and angrier. I am very sad about the situation with my brother, but I am feeling resentful and angry at my SO for his lack of compassion here for ME. And I should add, he generally has not done anything about this tragedy: no card, no flowers, etc.

I want to know what to do? I am feeling so hurt that I want to dump him, but then I think I'm probably thinking that from spite, because my feelings are hurt.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Why does your brother's ex get to make the decision about his ashes if they were divorced 8 years ago? I would think his next of kin would be your parents and then his siblings. Anyway, you need to tell you H how you feel and that he is being insensitive and that makes you sad and angry.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, for everything. It's weird, but sometimes those closest to us are not the best at helping us through tough times. I see it a lot, and I felt it when I went through cancer - I felt my own DH just couldn't understand what I was going through and just made things worse. I survived it by just ignoring that side of things with him. The less I expected of him, the better we got through it. But it doesn't meant that person isn't still the right person for you. Just that some things are too big for a couple to deal with together. Given how he's reacted so far, I think you need to turn away from him for emotional support and turn elsewhere. He's probably incapable of saying the right things even though he loves you. Just look after yourself, be with the people who can understand, and don't let this ruin your relationship with your SO.

Condolences & good luck.

[Anonymous]

Hugs.

[Anonymous]

What can you do? Nothing except vent. You can go in feeling "angry and resentful," but please try not to with time. (Now is OK.) Your brother screwed up. Tough cookies.

[Anonymous]

And don't take it out on your SO. He's right. Your whacked.

[Anonymous]

Did he beat or rape her? That is the only type if behavior where I could see her reaction. Otherwise she punishing you be cause he cheated on her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does your brother's ex get to make the decision about his ashes if they were divorced 8 years ago? I would think his next of kin would be your parents and then his siblings. Anyway, you need to tell you H how you feel and that he is being insensitive and that makes you sad and angry.

I would think that it's because she's the guardian of his heir -- minor child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does your brother's ex get to make the decision about his ashes if they were divorced 8 years ago? I would think his next of kin would be your parents and then his siblings. Anyway, you need to tell you H how you feel and that he is being insensitive and that makes you sad and angry.

I would think that it's because she's the guardian of his heir -- minor child.

This is exactly the situation. No my brother did not beat her or rape her, but he used their home as collateral in some business deal and they declared bankrupcy, sold the home, she left with their daughter and filed for divorce. It was very acrimonious and she was very angry (and I don't think unjustifiably.)

But my position is that he was my brother. My father and I deserve to be able to commemorate the best parts of him: he was very optimistic and always thought a better day was coming, he was tireless in learning and trying new things, he was like a phoenix in that things that would have devastated another person did not set him back... I know he wasn't perfect; but who is? I feel my father and I should not be shut out of making very important things: like what to do with his personal affects (she dumped everythign in his apartment at goodwill and would not let my father or I help her or take any personal items). It's small but it's so upsetting... I want to cry every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does your brother's ex get to make the decision about his ashes if they were divorced 8 years ago? I would think his next of kin would be your parents and then his siblings. Anyway, you need to tell you H how you feel and that he is being insensitive and that makes you sad and angry.

I would think that it's because she's the guardian of his heir -- minor child.

This is exactly the situation. No my brother did not beat her or rape her, but he used their home as collateral in some business deal and they declared bankrupcy, sold the home, she left with their daughter and filed for divorce. It was very acrimonious and she was very angry (and I don't think unjustifiably.)

But my position is that he was my brother. My father and I deserve to be able to commemorate the best parts of him: he was very optimistic and always thought a better day was coming, he was tireless in learning and trying new things, he was like a phoenix in that things that would have devastated another person did not set him back... I know he wasn't perfect; but who is? I feel my father and I should not be shut out of making very important things: like what to do with his personal affects (she dumped everythign in his apartment at goodwill and would not let my father or I help her or take any personal items). It's small but it's so upsetting... I want to cry every day.

That is terrible, that she did not let you take his things to remember him. And bankruptcy is not that serious of an offense to warrant such heartless behavior. Please stay strong.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I see her reasons for being angry but not for depriving you and your family of the little things that help us grieve after a loss. She's behaving terribly and I'm very sorry for your pain. I hope your SO can make some adjustments and be more supportive for you.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you're going through this. Your SO is unsupportive during a time you need him most. Is this really the person you want to be with?

[Anonymous]

Can't you contest some of this with a lawyer? I get she is hurt, but its been 8 years. Move on. Its just cruel to treat you guys in this manner and its a horrible example for their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does your brother's ex get to make the decision about his ashes if they were divorced 8 years ago? I would think his next of kin would be your parents and then his siblings. Anyway, you need to tell you H how you feel and that he is being insensitive and that makes you sad and angry.

I have to assume OP meant the ex-wife is the MOTHER of the minor child.

The minor child is the next of kin and probably gets the ashes. She is the minor's guardian, which is why she can control his decisions. Eventually he will be old enough to act autonomously and maybe can be persuaded to release the ashes, etc.