Sister not speaking to me

[Anonymous]

I just went through a busy/rough couple of months, starting in August. Sold a house, bought a house, moved, changed daycare for a one year old, company was put up for sale, longtime boss left, etc. The kind of weeks where your life is commute, deal with work, commute, take care of random crap, try to enjoy your kid, shove in some dinner, fall into bed at 9pm.

Emerged from the depths of the rough patch in October, only to realize my sister is super angry and not speaking to me. We hadn’t been in touch much during that time, but I honestly don’t have any recollection of ignoring an email or call from her. Since then she will not return my bi-weekly voicemails, rejected two weekend travel invitations, and sends super pissy terse emails if she has to respond to something.

According to my mother, she feels that I am very inconsiderate and that I only talk to her when I feel like it.

She is a very smart, Harvard trained doctor. No kids, her husband is independently wealthy and does not work, and she herself works 2-3 days a week. Basically, she has all the time and money in the world, and as the breadwinner of our household (husband is a social worker, I am in IT) I am feeling incredibly short on both these days.

I tried leaving her several voicemails this week, really hoping to catch her, and then directly engaged the situation with a brief, hey you ok, I can’t seem to get you on the phone email. She wrote back “I'm fine. Are you ok? We haven't spoken in months and then all of a sudden you've left me several messages. Something going on?”

Is there anything I can do to defuse this situation? I have just kept up the friendly emails and voicemails, not asking what the problem is. But she’ll be at Christmas, so this all is coming to a head soon. I really don’t want to engage - she gets so scorched-earth angry, is never wrong, and clearly feels that being furious at me is justified. I don’t want to fight her, I don’t want to prove her wrong - I just want her to not be angry. But that does not seem to be happening.

[Anonymous]

Hey sis, its been a crazy couple of months and I realize I have not been keeping in touch like I should. I am sorry for that. How are things in your life right now?

its pretty clear that she feels neglected so to keep the peace I see no reason for you to acknowledge that feeling

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you're probably right. She's just so furious. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

"According to my mother, she feels that I am very inconsiderate and that I only talk to her when I feel like it."

Stop receiving messages through someone else.

[Anonymous]

I know PP, I did ask my mother if she knew what was wrong since sister wasn't returning any calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"According to my mother, she feels that I am very inconsiderate and that I only talk to her when I feel like it."

Stop receiving messages through someone else.

I agree. Am I missing something? I don't think that the email she sent seemed furious. I know you've probably been down this road before and certainly know her well, so you can sense the underlying tension, but its not obvious to me. I would respond, "I'm so sorry it has been so long. I've had a terribly stressful few months but now I am dying for a nice long chat. Can't wait to see you at Christmas. Love you!" Put the ball in her court to raise the issue. I don't mean that in a sweep-this-under-the-rug way. It's just unclear to me from your posts that she is, in fact, furious.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't spend much time worrying about her 8th grade behavior. I would send ONE email that says:

"Dear Sis, I am terribly sorry if you feel I neglected you these past months. I'd love to talk to you, and perhaps work through this, when you get a chance. I love you and hope to hear from you soon."

Then send it and don't say another thing until she responds. She's giving you the silent treatment - don't play that game.

[Anonymous]

Does she have a mental health issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't spend much time worrying about her 8th grade behavior. I would send ONE email that says:

"Dear Sis, I am terribly sorry if you feel I neglected you these past months. I'd love to talk to you, and perhaps work through this, when you get a chance. I love you and hope to hear from you soon."

Then send it and don't say another thing until she responds. She's giving you the silent treatment - don't play that game.

Please be aware that this isn't actually an apology, as it places the onus on your sister for feeling hurt, instead of accepting responsibility for actually hurting someone. It tells her that she shouldn't feel neglected, but well, it sucks that she feels that way. There's no accountability in such an "apology." It's like a politician that tells a "joke" about a woman keeping an aspirin between her knees, but says "I'm sorry if I offended anyone."

[Anonymous]

you call that a rough couple of months?

[Anonymous]

I'm not really interested in debating roughness. It was a very busy few months, and it's hard to leave a home and daycare you love, and to see your boss leave and your company sold. Without a doubt others have it rougher.

[Anonymous]

why doesn't she have any children?

[Anonymous]

Seriously, WHY ARE YOU TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S FEELINGS???

If your sister feels neglected or put off, then it's HER responsibility as a grown woman to share that and ask for what she needs. It is not up to you to interpret her silence or listen to your mother. I'm wondering if you enjoy drama and are not satisfied unless you're caught up in something.

It is incredibly condescending of you to interpret that she is "furious" with you. Unless she has specifically communicated that to you (and no, "super pissy terse emails" don't count. Stop reading into everything), you assume that everything is fine. Go have Christmas and enjoy. When you're with family chat about the weather and sports teams. Bring a book. Hang out with your kid. If your sister doesn't want to talk to you, okay, so be it. Do not engage and stop trying to.

[Anonymous]

She got married last year and they are now trying to conceive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't spend much time worrying about her 8th grade behavior. I would send ONE email that says:

"Dear Sis, I am terribly sorry if you feel I neglected you these past months. I'd love to talk to you, and perhaps work through this, when you get a chance. I love you and hope to hear from you soon."

Then send it and don't say another thing until she responds. She's giving you the silent treatment - don't play that game.

Please be aware that this isn't actually an apology, as it places the onus on your sister for feeling hurt, instead of accepting responsibility for actually hurting someone. It tells her that she shouldn't feel neglected, but well, it sucks that she feels that way. There's no accountability in such an "apology." It's like a politician that tells a "joke" about a woman keeping an aspirin between her knees, but says "I'm sorry if I offended anyone."

PP here. I agree and worded it as such. OP doesn't sound like she thinks she should apologize. Which is fine. If you do want to apologize, change it to "terribly sorry that I neglected you..."