Niece isn't Nice..., Worrying about spending time with DD

[Anonymous]

Anyone here worry that around the holidays that their kids spend too much time with nieces and nephews of similar ages and will pick up the bad behaviors? In my case, we are talking about tweens. Kids spend a week with IL's and other nieces/ nephews and to put it politely SIL has a completely different value system. SIL hangs out with the fast party crowd. SIL went through a drug spell in HS but is now clean. Niece is pouty and thinks the world revolves around her. She is slightly older than DD. I worry that she is going to fall into the same trappings her mom did. I see a freight train wreck coming. Anyone out there have gone through a similar situation? How did you handle?

[Anonymous]

If your niece inherited her mom's partying lifeetyle, your kids probably inherited your worrying. They will handle themselves just fine!

[Anonymous]

Honestly, a few hours/days with a cousin isn't going to fundamentally affect who your child is. She might "try on" a few of niece's bad behaviors, but that's about it. Just be calm, don't make a big deal out of it, and reinforce your values as needed.

[Anonymous]

If anything, I feel like trying out some bad behaviors while you're still a tween and you're with a first cousin is probably a pretty good outcome. Every kid tries hanging with questionable peers at some point, and "sibling's kid" is pretty good, as far as it goes. (Though I realize that doesn't make you much more comfortable with it right now).

[Anonymous]

We have a similar situation -- niece slightly older than DD, tends to be self-centered and is at times very rude to adults and allowed to get away with it by her parents, who have always treated her like a little adult who must do as she pleases. Can be terrific fun and great, sparkling company when she wants, but once she's done and bored (which is soon), she instantly switches off and goes cold and rude. Has never been taught to endure even five minutes of something she doesn't particularly want to do, just to make others happy (including her elderly, ill grandparents).... Anyway we only see them once a year due to distances, so don't have the every-holiday issue.

I would say that your kids are going to be just fine. Remember, the vastly greater amounts of time they spend with you and with their own real friends is going to trump briefer times spent with the cousins. The cousins may not be a good influence but at the same time they provide a contrast that -- over time -- your kids will start to recognize as What Not To Do even if you do not ever point that out. I have made the error at times of criticizing my niece's behavior in my daughter's hearing, and my daughter doesn't like that since DD is very much in the "everyone's basically a nice person" camp. So I've learned not to say anything. But I know my DD is now old enough to recognize that her cousin doesn't really do things that we value doing and saying.

In your case, if the cousins' behavior is such that it actually crosses some lines like smoking, drinking etc. as they get older - yes, you'd need to intervene and limit exposure to gatherings where you or other trusted adults (not SIL, apparently) were present. I'd be sure all the kids had actual, planned activities ready to do, rather than just unstructured hanging out time, IF the cousins start to veer into territory that's really not tolerable. Otherwise, if the issues are more about general attitude, language etc., your kids will be better equipped than you realize to deal with it, if you don't tolerate it at home. And don't make the cousins into tempting, attractive "forbidden fruit" by telling your kids they can't see them at all -- that makes them all the more intriguingly dangerous to your kids. Just keep it to family gatherings. And don't make some big announcement about how "We are going to be seeing less of your cousins" or "You must have organized activities to see them." Just make it happen quietly without over-talking it.

[Anonymous]

I warn my kid about what to expect when going in and how it may affect her and how to handle it, and then afterwards we talk about it.

"You sound very defeatist when you say that. Who else do we know who's very negative that you've been hanging around lately?" Then the lightbulb will go off for her that it's easy to get sucked up into other people's whirlwinds if you're not careful.

[Anonymous]

Thanks guys particularly 10:14. It was a very thoughtful response and yes I do worry about substance abuse. Both of BIL's parents died from substance abuse and his family is full of similar sad stories.

I don't think my MIL/SIL or BIL would ever tell me if their daughter had an incident (particularly if it were at their house and my daughter was around) as they would know it would be a deal killer for me. Every year/interaction my antenna's go up a little higher. I don't think there is substance abuse yet.

I guess if it gets worse...we will just do as you recommend, have plans over Christmas so they can't spend as much time together.

[Anonymous]

My cousins are kind of like that. Some of them got in trouble with drugs/goofed off and partied too hard and dropped out of college, one got pregnant at 19. One of them is one of the most wonderfully accomplished, grounded people I know, and some others cleaned up their act when they got older--so the same parenting style had different results for the different kids. Growing up, my aunt and uncle had a different parenting style than my parents and they let them watch R rated movies earlier, eat more junk food, watch more TV, use power tools at an earlier age, wear more revealing clothing, etc. Honestly, I think you are over-thinking this. My cousins and I had a great relationship, but I only saw them a few times a year, versus I LIVED with my parents. I got to enjoy the different, laxer rules when I visited them, and maybe got exposed to a few things my parents thought were not ideal--but I probably would have gotten exposed to it at school anyway. You can't isolate your kid from the fact that different families have different parenting styles. Most of my values/behaviors came from my nuclear family.

As I got older...like late teenager-20something and watched some of them party and screw up their lives, they became more of a cautionary tale than a bad influence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks guys particularly 10:14. It was a very thoughtful response and yes I do worry about substance abuse. Both of BIL's parents died from substance abuse and his family is full of similar sad stories.

I don't think my MIL/SIL or BIL would ever tell me if their daughter had an incident (particularly if it were at their house and my daughter was around) as they would know it would be a deal killer for me. Every year/interaction my antenna's go up a little higher. I don't think there is substance abuse yet.

I guess if it gets worse...we will just do as you recommend, have plans over Christmas so they can't spend as much time together.

OP, is BIL a blood relative of your kids? If so, your kids may share in a genetic heritage of being predisposed to addiction. In that case, it doesn't matter if you never let them see their cousins, they can still have problems with addiction. Or not. There's no way to predict it. But regardless I think it's important to educate your kids about addiction. Yeah, there's the danger that their cousins might seem like shiny cool kids in their eyes but ultimately your kids may have to deal with substance abuse issues themselves and it's better if you as their parent address it with them directly.

I am the daughter of an alcoholic. I quit drinking years ago and dd was raised in an alcohol-free house. Didn't matter. She went off to college and quickly got lost in drinking her freshman year away. She's doing great now but what helped her was not growing up in an alcohol-free house so much as hearing enough about the family predisposition so that when it took over her life she recognized it sooner rather than later.

Not saying this will all happen to you and your family, just that we all want to protect our kids and control their exposure to bad influences but bad things can happen anyway. Talk to your kids about their cousins. Educate them. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Though our kids are much younger, we have a similar situation in that we have a niece who is very challenging, and our DD has come home on several visits repeating this inappropriate behavior. That being said, my DD adores her cousin. So we have ground rules when we visit. My DD at seven is old enough to understand, and does understand, that we do not tolerate her cousin's behavior in our own children. Since your DD is a teen, she will understand. You can tell her that the ground rules in your house are different. Period.

[Anonymous]

Didn't you post this same question last year?