Reply to Niece isn't Nice..., Worrying about spending time with DD

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[quote=Anonymous]We have a similar situation -- niece slightly older than DD, tends to be self-centered and is at times very rude to adults and allowed to get away with it by her parents, who have always treated her like a little adult who must do as she pleases. Can be terrific fun and great, sparkling company when she wants, but once she's done and bored (which is soon), she instantly switches off and goes cold and rude. Has never been taught to endure even five minutes of something she doesn't particularly want to do, just to make others happy (including her elderly, ill grandparents).... Anyway we only see them once a year due to distances, so don't have the every-holiday issue.

I would say that your kids are going to be just fine. Remember, the vastly greater amounts of time they spend with you and with their own real friends is going to trump briefer times spent with the cousins. The cousins may not be a good influence but at the same time they provide a contrast that -- over time -- your kids will start to recognize as What Not To Do even if you do not ever point that out. I have made the error at times of criticizing my niece's behavior in my daughter's hearing, and my daughter doesn't like that since DD is very much in the "everyone's basically a nice person" camp. So I've learned not to say anything. But I know my DD is now old enough to recognize that her cousin doesn't really do things that we value doing and saying.

In your case, if the cousins' behavior is such that it actually crosses some lines like smoking, drinking etc. as they get older - yes, you'd need to intervene and limit exposure to gatherings where you or other trusted adults (not SIL, apparently) were present. I'd be sure all the kids had actual, planned activities ready to do, rather than just unstructured hanging out time, IF the cousins start to veer into territory that's really not tolerable. Otherwise, if the issues are more about general attitude, language etc., your kids will be better equipped than you realize to deal with it, if you don't tolerate it at home. And don't make the cousins into tempting, attractive "forbidden fruit" by telling your kids they can't see them at all -- that makes them all the more intriguingly dangerous to your kids. Just keep it to family gatherings. And don't make some big announcement about how "We are going to be seeing less of your cousins" or "You must have organized activities to see them." Just make it happen quietly without over-talking it.[/quote]

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