Did you ever break up with your spouse while dating?
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Anonymous
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If you ever had doubts about your now-DH or DW while dating, to the point that you broke up with them, what happened? What made you realize you should get back together?
I just broke up with a guy I could see myself married to. I had doubts about the relationship but I am not sure if I am making the right decision or not. I have a lot of trouble talking about my feelings and feel like I never really gave him a chance to change, or to even talk about what I need. On the other hand, if the things that were wrong boil down to personality conflicts, it is unlikely either one of us is going to change. How do I know if this was a mistake or not? Love is hard! Ahhhhh 
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Anonymous
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This is my experience, so take it with a huge grain of salt. One person's perspective, nothing more. Take from it what you wish.
But in my experience, I knew my DH was "the one" because it was SO EASY. I found so many of my prior relationships to be such mind-f**ks. So difficult. Reading tea-leaves -- does he love me? Etc. etc. My DH and I have now been together now for 15yrs, married 8+ with one kid. We're stopping at one kid because we prioritize us and it would not be possible with more than one kid. We have such a good, easy relationship. This, despite being from completely different backgrounds (think very different religions, different class upbrining, etc etc). But our relationship was "easy" from day one. I look back at all my difficulties with relationships before and am grateful I waited until it was never a "chore" to make our relationship work. Just something to think about. I hope things continue with my DH as they have -- we met at 22 (@ law school) and have grown up together now and hope to "dance the funky chicken" at our 50th wedding anniversary. I believe some relationships should not be difficult. Just my two cents. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| OP, if you never talk about your feelings and your needs, then you won't have a good relationship with anyone. 01:39 is not typical. Good relationships and marriages take work! It won't happen unless you both participate. You have to give people a chance to learn about your needs and expectations. |
Anonymous
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Talking about your feelings and your needs in a relationship is one thing. Expecting someone to change is totally different. That's a red flag to me. If you mean asking him to take a different job, be considerate when he's not considerate, stop drinking -- that sort of thing -- don't count on it. Not going to happen.
You don't say how long you were dating when you broke up. If you were dating six months or less, I think you made the right decision. |
Anonymous
| A bunch of times, but we started dating when we were 19 and 21, so we were full of drama and angst. |
Anonymous
| My DH and I did. 20 years later, I am thinking we should have taken our troubles as a sign and not gotten married. So much more complicated with children and all your finances tied together. |
Anonymous
| DW dumped me about 4 months into the relationship. It turned out another guy was pursuing her, and she wanted to investigate. After two weeks, we got back together, and no looking back. |
Anonymous
| No, I knew he was the one from the start. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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We had one almost breakup. I had my sister and a close friend independently tell me something they observed in DH's behavior towards me. I thought about why they would say that and when I reflected I realized that they were right. For all the wonderful qualities of DH, I thought I cannot live with this the next 20 years and it was a deal breaker. I told him directly, I can't ask you to change for me but this isn't something I can't live with, this is a deal breaker. I was prepared to break up and it wasn't an ultimatum.He thought about and and was sort of quiet and asked follow up questions. I won't say it was dramatic improvement overnight but DH became more aware of his interactions with me and tried to improve and I also had to be more up front in letting him know when he was crossing into the behavior especially the first few months after our conversation.
I do agree with both PP poster, that the relationship should feel easy compared to the ones in the past (no reading the tea leaves) and also that relationships take work. The work part comes in with the communication and working through isssues/problems together and both sides finding compromises. Our near breakup and how that was handled was part of what made me think I could marry this guy. How can you get through thru "and for worse times" mentioned in the wedding vows if you don't know how to communicate with each other about difficult things and work to support each other? |
Anonymous
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Yes. The main reason we broke up was because he is a jump into the deep end kind of person and I am toe dipper get in slowly from the shallow end kind of person. He was going way to fast for me and I needed to put a stop to it to absorb everything. We got together a year later - I was more comfortable with it and he treaded more lightly. We each had very little prior dating experience (as compared to our "peers"), so some of it was learning how to communicate and be in a relationship. We were engaged within a year. Our 20th anniversary will be next Sept.
There are many couples who dated for a while and broke up because of any nmumber of things that work themselves out eventually and then they get back together. |
Anonymous
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I did. DH's father died, his mother went off the rails, he dumped it all on me, I was suffocated and broke up with him. We got back together 2 months later and are still together 16 years later.
I hear the PPs who say you'll know because it's "easy," but that hasn't been my experience. DH and I both come from dysfunctional alcoholic families so there it's never going to be "easy" for us to have healthy relationships. I knew because I could not imagine my life without him in it and because his values and commitment to them were strong and healthy. He was and is my best friend and all the relationships that seemed "easier" for me have been based on lust and codependence. This relationship was hard in the early years but it's been better for both of us personally and together than any of the others we've had. |
Anonymous
| If you need time, take time. I think you'd get an equal if not higher number of people in relationships that wish they'd taken more time or a break if they'd felt they wanted one. |
Anonymous
Never but I had a rule that if I broke up with someone, I wouldn't be getting back with them. |
Anonymous
| There is a reason people break up. |