How do you handle fighting over toys?

[Anonymous]

My three kids are CONSTANTLY fighting over toys. My parents are coming to stay with us for a week and I was telling my mom what we do for discipline the other day, and she said if they were fighting over a toy then the toy should be taken away and neither of them should have it, which I know is what a lot of people advise. I don't tend to use this technique and was trying to think carefully about why it doesn't seem to be the answer for us. Usually, it seems like what happens at our house is that one child is playing with a toy and then another child decides that he wants to play with it before the first child is finished and starts an argument or tries to forcibly take the toy. In that instance, it doesn't seem fair to the child who had the toy first to take it away when it is the second child who is in the wrong. Often the first child has just picked up the toy or has been playing with it less than 5 minutes when the second decides he MUST HAVE IT RIGHT NOW. If I took the toy away from both, then I would have two upset children instead of one. I usually end up policing them taking turns instead, which is a pain in the butt for me, but at least seems more fair.

Of course it doesn't even need to be a toy. It could be an old cardboard box or a piece of lint off the floor or a rock from the front yard. Anyway, thoughts on fighting over physical objects? How do you handle this issue in your house? FWIW my kids are two years apart (6, 4, 2).

[Anonymous]

Kids need to learn they can't have everything they want it the exact second they want it. Also, policed "sharing" isn't a useful life lesson either - when else in life can an adult walk up to another person and demand a term with whatever is in that person's hands?

Our childs' preschool uses the approach that toys which are being used are not available for "sharing" until the child using the toy finishes with it and returns it to its place. Children are encouraged to be mindful of taking turns, but it is not enforced or required. It works. The kids learn pretty quickly if they hog the prized toys, they won't have anyone to play with and wont have any friends.

[Anonymous]

demand a turn, not a term sorry for the typo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids need to learn they can't have everything they want it the exact second they want it. Also, policed "sharing" isn't a useful life lesson either - when else in life can an adult walk up to another person and demand a term with whatever is in that person's hands?

Our childs' preschool uses the approach that toys which are being used are not available for "sharing" until the child using the toy finishes with it and returns it to its place. Children are encouraged to be mindful of taking turns, but it is not enforced or required. It works. The kids learn pretty quickly if they hog the prized toys, they won't have anyone to play with and wont have any friends.

I'm not sure if this applies to siblings.

Is it the same kid instigating or is something they share?

We've had this issue from time to time and the kids alternate who does the instigating. I don't know the best way to approach it, but if an argument ensues, we give each kid 5 minutes and put the toy away. (It's completely ridiculous b/c they have tons of other toys they can play with.)

Handle it the way you see best. Don't be intimidated b/c your parents are there. (Your mom will just have to trust your instincts.)

[Anonymous]

Send the kid who wants to take the toy away to his room.

[Anonymous]

I either take the toy away or one person gets it first and the second person gets a longer turn.

[Anonymous]

They have a chance to work it out (we've modeled different ways to approach it before so they know). If the fighting continues, the toy is put away.

They do fairly well with it most of the time.

Similarly, if one child snatches the toy from the other they have to give it back and ask for a turn if they want it. The other child can say yes or no - their choice. If they say no, the child who wants the toy has to find something else and wait for them to be done with it.

[Anonymous]

You fight over it, it goes away. You get one warning and a chance to figure it out. If not, toy disappears for a day or two. I don't care who started it or who was "right". Basta.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have a chance to work it out (we've modeled different ways to approach it before so they know). If the fighting continues, the toy is put away.

They do fairly well with it most of the time.

Similarly, if one child snatches the toy from the other they have to give it back and ask for a turn if they want it. The other child can say yes or no - their choice. If they say no, the child who wants the toy has to find something else and wait for them to be done with it.

This is what we do too. The kid who had the toy gets it back, and the snatcher has to ask for a turn. My kids feel empowered by being able to say yes or no, and so usually agree to take turns.

[Anonymous]

The Timer. Works wonders. The original player gets the toy for some reasonable time (5-15 minutes). When the timer goes off the next kid gets it for same amount of time. They'll listen to the buzzer because it can't be argued with. And usually by second buzzer they've worked it out somehow.