Issues with my father started after I became a mom

[Anonymous]

My dad did a very strange thing when I had my first baby 4 yrs ago. About 6m after I had DD, my father started projecting all his issues from his divorce with my mom on me. For context, they divorced when I was 2yrs old and he was a long distance, vacay dad, paying a paltry amount of child support but was involved in my life via weekly phone calls. I convinced myself he deeply loved me but just lived far away and was told my mom was keeping him from being more involved (not true I found out much later in life). He has been remarried 4 times since, so he doesn't have a great track record with women.

Anyway, I would have thought he would have moved on from his issues with my mom long ago. I finally wrapped my head around what was going on when he tried to get my DH to gang up with him against me, trying to pidgeon hole me as a "nag" and the ol' ball and chain type, and saying generalized statements to DH about how wives "suck." My lovely DH felt so awkward!!! During one visit, father cornered my husband and ranted about my mother for literally 2 hours without taking a breath. DH didnt want to be disrespectful to his FIL and just let him go on and on. My father has frequently yelled at me when I set even the most basic boundaries, i.e. asking him not to post our address and pictures of our kids online, and he lies often.

Father and I almost never speak now as a result and he ahs never met my youngest child. As he does with any woman he has ever been close to, he incessently bad mouths me to his side of my family. And his 85yr old mother further encourages this behavior. I used to be close to his side of the family but they all sided with my dad without being present for any of these interactions. I know these are his issues ...but it still hurts to know a father could be so unsupportive of his adult daughter. And I feel so isolated now.

What's up with him? Is he a total lost cause at 60? Has anyone had their dad play out their past divorce issues with your mom through you as an adult?

[Anonymous]

Big hugs! I think your dad's issues are so complicated that it is a lost cause.... And it sounds like he has no idea that the issue is HIM not his ex wives including your mom, you or anyone else. He's never going to change.

You have your own family now. Your DH sounds nice. Keep your distance from your father and his family. They sound very toxic and will only make you miserable.

[Anonymous]

Wow, that is nuts. It sounds like your dad is lucky you are even in touch with him now. I would cut him off or have very limited contact with no visits (unless they are local and that would be hard to manage).

[Anonymous]

Could you explain why you see the primary problem as him taking out divorce issues on you? To me he sounds like a misogynist, divorce or no divorce. He just doesn't like women, and your crime was being born female.

[Anonymous]

No contact. You're just hurting yourself. Let go of him already.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. The most I can say is that your primary obligation now is to your husband and children, and you must do what you feel is best to protect them--and yourself. You should never feel bad or guilty about that. You have made a life for yourself. Please keep reminding yourself that you deserve to be happy, for yourself, your husband, and your children. If it were me, I would not subject them or myself to abuse. Good luck to you, and hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for your responses! They are both encouraging and insightful.

It's a good point about these issues being reflective of his broader misogyny, divorce or not. I suppose I always knew that was a huge theme for him and his family. My sweet husband once joked after a short holiday visit, "Good Lord! If anyone ever really need an argument for feminism, just spend a weekend with that bunch." DH knew just how to put me at ease with just the right amount of humor.

Yes, I agree, my primary responsibility is to my husband and children and our happiness and well being, and unabashedly so. I needed to hear that again. No more allocating time and energy to my father and his issues. Thanks again and hugs back to you all.

[Anonymous]

OP,

He sounds a little mentally ill, maybe has some brain damage from a mini-stroke or is entering dementia. (I'm not trying to be disrespectful.)

The first is entirely possible b/c he sounds like he's had a lot of marriages and has trouble maintaining relationships, even with his children. If the more erratic behavior started more recently, e.g., since you became a mother that might be due to a physical toll on the brain or his mental illness showing itself more b/c you've seen him more often then when you were growing up. It sounds like his mother backs him up b/c she is enabling his bad behavior.

I had an elderly relative who ranted about his ex-wife over 10 years prior, but his personality worsened and the rantings lengthened after an operation to his brain. I think there was some damage there.

Sadly, he does sound like a lost cause. For your own sanity, I'd send him perfunctory cards, but wouldn't make attempts to see him. This will keep up the semblance of family relations. You may be able to salvage some relationships from his side of the family down the road.

[Anonymous]

He knows you are vulnerable with your new baby, so he is attacking. He has problems with ALL women, including you.