Female sexual desire

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women who love their husbands have sex with them. Period. Women who don't find every excuse in the world not to

Men who love their wives do everything in their power to make their wives feel loved, wanted and appreciated, and their wives in turn want sex. Period.

Women need all this elaborate blah blah blah which is why you can never meet one on Friday evening and convince her to have sex the same night.

Whatever. I mean, you are already out when you meet this woman, so check mark on going out. I’m sure that you tell her that she’s beautiful and flirt with her, so check check. And you don’t ask her to do your laundry. Check.

Just treat your wife the way you would treat a random woman you were trying to pick up. Or something close to that.

I've got a role playing fantasy where my wife goes into a bar before me and then I come in after, pretending we don't know each other. I should ask if she'd be into that; but I think she'd just regard committing to the scenario as pressure to have sex.

I would freaking love this. Whenever I’ve tried to roleplay (nothing crazy kinky either) with DH he just acts confused and makes me feel stupid.

My wife and I tried something fairly basic, years ago. Neither of us are natural actors and felt really awkward. Probably we should give it a better shot - commit and work through the awkwardness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women who love their husbands have sex with them. Period. Women who don't find every excuse in the world not to

Men who love their wives do everything in their power to make their wives feel loved, wanted and appreciated, and their wives in turn want sex. Period.

That trite nonsense you wrote completely ignores the biological reality of hormones (and aging).

Do you seriously believe all the women posting in the new Menopause sub-forum, about their biological loss of libido caused by menopause, are lying?

Did all of their husbands suddenly change simultaneously?

Or does most of it boil down to: hormones.

Science is real, PP.

[Anonymous]

Hormones are certainly a major factor. However, are hormones a factor if sex was generally out of obligation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hormones are certainly a major factor. However, are hormones a factor if sex was generally out of obligation?

I think the hormone shift is harder for higher libido women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women who love their husbands have sex with them. Period. Women who don't find every excuse in the world not to

Men who love their wives do everything in their power to make their wives feel loved, wanted and appreciated, and their wives in turn want sex. Period.

Women need all this elaborate blah blah blah which is why you can never meet one on Friday evening and convince her to have sex the same night.

Whatever. I mean, you are already out when you meet this woman, so check mark on going out. I’m sure that you tell her that she’s beautiful and flirt with her, so check check. And you don’t ask her to do your laundry. Check.

Just treat your wife the way you would treat a random woman you were trying to pick up. Or something close to that.

I've got a role playing fantasy where my wife goes into a bar before me and then I come in after, pretending we don't know each other. I should ask if she'd be into that; but I think she'd just regard committing to the scenario as pressure to have sex.

We did this and it was awesome!!
The funniest part was some drunk guy approached us and said "I can't believe this schmo just walked in here and now he gets to take home this beautiful lady. What's your secret bro" and my husband was like "um actually she's my wife."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women who love their husbands have sex with them. Period. Women who don't find every excuse in the world not to

Men who love their wives do everything in their power to make their wives feel loved, wanted and appreciated, and their wives in turn want sex. Period.

Women need all this elaborate blah blah blah which is why you can never meet one on Friday evening and convince her to have sex the same night.

Whatever. I mean, you are already out when you meet this woman, so check mark on going out. I’m sure that you tell her that she’s beautiful and flirt with her, so check check. And you don’t ask her to do your laundry. Check.

Just treat your wife the way you would treat a random woman you were trying to pick up. Or something close to that.

I've got a role playing fantasy where my wife goes into a bar before me and then I come in after, pretending we don't know each other. I should ask if she'd be into that; but I think she'd just regard committing to the scenario as pressure to have sex.

We did this and it was awesome!!
The funniest part was some drunk guy approached us and said "I can't believe this schmo just walked in here and now he gets to take home this beautiful lady. What's your secret bro" and my husband was like "um actually she's my wife."

That's fantastic!

[Anonymous]

On the subject of hormones, I agree they aren't the whole story - but they are a very big part of the story.

It's a little strange that we aren't more forthright in acknowledging the role they play. I suppose it has something to do with us not wanting to believe that chemicals can mess with individual agency so much.

Also, if there's a chemical reason for low libido, then there is probably also a chemical solution for low libido. Having sexual desire treated like a medical problem is off-putting for a variety of reasons.

It would obviously make for a better world if having a satisfactory sex life was more closely tied to whether or not the individuals in the couple treated each other well - good partners have good sex and only bad partners find themselves with dead bedrooms.

But that's not how the world works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boredom. Resentment.
These were my main issues.
Not body image. Or being tired. Although o probably used as an excuse. And had those issues and still do.
Now that I’m free. With a new man who i respect and who I like and am excited by. So of course the desire is there. I do hope it lasts.
For me the main source of desire comes from respect for the man.

What a cop out. You chose boredom and to resent him, like you will when life with the new man starts losing it’s shine. You didn’t commit to your marriage, you committed to your feelings about your life and blamed him. Good luck with your new blissful life, hope it lasts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for your message, PP. It’s good to hear some real-life, practical solutions. As a woman with low libido in long-term relationships + pain issues on top of the regular sex disruptors (being postpartum, in mom mode, etc.), contributing to sex life is a struggle for me. And just like your wife, I feel pressured and guilty if I don’t oblige, which is not conducive to a sexy mood at all. Half of this thread was helpful and constructive, and another half… not so much.

In the earlier discussion, women mentioned the connection between feeling wanted and experiencing desire. Just another datapoint in this stats, this is exactly the way it is for me. The reason why there is new relationship energy/great sex is because, in the beginning, women’s partners are naturally curious about them. They like what their woman looks like and they are actively interested in who she is. There’s a lot of unknowns and so interest is there always, and for me it’s this curiosity that turns me on.

Well, after 10 years of marriage, you can imagine there’s very little curiosity my husband has about me and it shows. He touches me when he wants to have sex, that’s it. He doesn’t hug me just because, doesn’t tell me he loves me and he doesn’t look interested in what I have to say. Oftentimes, I feel like he doesn’t see me, just coexists with me in a shared space, and our main bond is both of us loving our child very much. Part of it is my fault of course, because I’m sure I’m not always a prize and the resentment from the dead bedroom is there, but I would really appreciate feeling like my partner ENJOYS being around me. That he finds me interesting still. That he notices me not only when he wants sex. That would be lovely and that would boost my libido 100%. Just my two cents speaking from experience.

Maybe the 10 years of rejecting sex or trying new things in the bedroom killed his desire to initiate? My ex would turn down sex all the time, then expect me to be all hot and ready whenever she wanted it. It made sex a lot less exciting. Flirt all day at work with her via text, come home to do housework, cook dinner and she no longer felt like it. Turns out she was just entitled to what she wants, when she wanted it. My current wife of 5 years is much more enjoyable to be around and that makes everything more exciting and interesting, especially her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the subject of hormones, I agree they aren't the whole story - but they are a very big part of the story.

It's a little strange that we aren't more forthright in acknowledging the role they play. I suppose it has something to do with us not wanting to believe that chemicals can mess with individual agency so much.

Also, if there's a chemical reason for low libido, then there is probably also a chemical solution for low libido. Having sexual desire treated like a medical problem is off-putting for a variety of reasons.

It would obviously make for a better world if having a satisfactory sex life was more closely tied to whether or not the individuals in the couple treated each other well - good partners have good sex and only bad partners find themselves with dead bedrooms.

But that's not how the world works.

I have always had a very high libido. I know it is hormones. My husband is nice but just as annoying as most of the husbands I read about here, except his wife is always asking him for sex. Now that I am getting a little older there are times of the month where I don’t want it and I find it delightful. I can’t wait for menopause and to be free!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the subject of hormones, I agree they aren't the whole story - but they are a very big part of the story.

It's a little strange that we aren't more forthright in acknowledging the role they play. I suppose it has something to do with us not wanting to believe that chemicals can mess with individual agency so much.

Also, if there's a chemical reason for low libido, then there is probably also a chemical solution for low libido. Having sexual desire treated like a medical problem is off-putting for a variety of reasons.

It would obviously make for a better world if having a satisfactory sex life was more closely tied to whether or not the individuals in the couple treated each other well - good partners have good sex and only bad partners find themselves with dead bedrooms.

But that's not how the world works.

I have always had a very high libido. I know it is hormones. My husband is nice but just as annoying as most of the husbands I read about here, except his wife is always asking him for sex. Now that I am getting a little older there are times of the month where I don’t want it and I find it delightful. I can’t wait for menopause and to be free!!

I'm a husband in the more typical scenario where my libido stayed relatively high while hers dropped off a cliff. We made it work despite the libido disparity. But, I have to admit that it's gotten easier as my own drive has declined a fair amount now that I'm into my mid-50s. I mean, I guess all things being equal, my preference would be that we both had raging hormones and were desperate for each other a few times a week. But, high, low, or middle, the main thing is having compatible drives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the subject of hormones, I agree they aren't the whole story - but they are a very big part of the story.

It's a little strange that we aren't more forthright in acknowledging the role they play. I suppose it has something to do with us not wanting to believe that chemicals can mess with individual agency so much.

Also, if there's a chemical reason for low libido, then there is probably also a chemical solution for low libido. Having sexual desire treated like a medical problem is off-putting for a variety of reasons.

It would obviously make for a better world if having a satisfactory sex life was more closely tied to whether or not the individuals in the couple treated each other well - good partners have good sex and only bad partners find themselves with dead bedrooms.

But that's not how the world works.

I have always had a very high libido. I know it is hormones. My husband is nice but just as annoying as most of the husbands I read about here, except his wife is always asking him for sex. Now that I am getting a little older there are times of the month where I don’t want it and I find it delightful. I can’t wait for menopause and to be free!!

I'm a husband in the more typical scenario where my libido stayed relatively high while hers dropped off a cliff. We made it work despite the libido disparity. But, I have to admit that it's gotten easier as my own drive has declined a fair amount now that I'm into my mid-50s. I mean, I guess all things being equal, my preference would be that we both had raging hormones and were desperate for each other a few times a week. But, high, low, or middle, the main thing is having compatible drives.

+1, same depressing boat.