"Gift" from In-Laws

[Anonymous]

My in-laws recently gifted my brother-in-law a decent amount of money to use towards a downpayment on his first house. They have offered to do the same of my husband and I, but are requiring that I agree to give up that amount of home equity should my husband and I get divorced down the road (my husband would get to keep the money, it would not go back to the in-laws). It would be nice to have this "gift," but we don't really need the money. The in-laws constantly complain that my relationship to them should be closer, but I often feel that they try to make me the outsider -- this seems like yet another instance. What would you think?

[Anonymous]

I would turn it down, personally.

[Anonymous]

I would turn it down too.

[Anonymous]

Turn it down.

[Anonymous]

No. Once you're married they can't demand anything.

I would take the money but it needs to come without strings.

[Anonymous]

Also, to clarify, they don't just hope it would work out this way should we get divorced but they actually want me to sign an agreement on this.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. Gifts should not come with strings. How is your husband responding?

[Anonymous]

It is not a gift if it comes with strings attached.

[Anonymous]

I would take it.

[Anonymous]

This is just analogous to a pre-nutpual agreement. I would expect people who are on-board with PNA to be on-board with this.

Its just up to you how it sits in your mind.
I can see the IL's position. I can see your position.
There is no right or wrong. Just what is acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Husband is not happy. We talked about it this morning and are both inclined to turn this down. His brother isn't married so his parents found it "easier" to gift him the money -- like our marriage is a problem. If it matters, they have no reason to think I married their son/into their family for financial reasons. If we ever got divorced, they would probably be the reason.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Glad DH is with you on this, because that's some bullshit right there.

[Anonymous]

It's not the same as a prenup, which I support. A prenup is closely followed by a promise from both of the signatories, witnessed by their closest friends and family, to make the marriage work. Her in laws are not making a promise , they're just insisting on leverage. . . for a gift. And implying they dislike their DIL or doubt their son's marriage.

[Anonymous]

If you don't need the money, then don't take it.

I'd be very offended. If this were me and my DH, I'd ask him (and he'd agree) to tell his parents that if they'd like to give a gift to him, just give it to him, and HE will do what he wants with it. Which would be share it with you for better or for worse. Otherwise, thanks but no thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws recently gifted my brother-in-law a decent amount of money to use towards a downpayment on his first house. They have offered to do the same of my husband and I, but are requiring that I agree to give up that amount of home equity should my husband and I get divorced down the road (my husband would get to keep the money, it would not go back to the in-laws). It would be nice to have this "gift," but we don't really need the money. The in-laws constantly complain that my relationship to them should be closer, but I often feel that they try to make me the outsider -- this seems like yet another instance. What would you think?

This got compared to a pre-nup but I don't buy that. The parents aren't party to pre-nups, are they? Not in 2013, not here?

Sounds like they are trying to buy that "closeness" they claim they want but don't even see that their terms only drive you farther away. Or, alternatively, they are giving you a huge and blatant hint that they think you and he won't last. Either way -- totally out of line.

Your husband -- not you, HIM, as their adult child -- should just tell them, briefly and politely: "Regarding your offer, no thank you." End of story. Change the topic. No attempt to give them reasons, tempting as that may be.

He could of course go on to add that "The fact you offered it to us under terms that presuppose that our marriage is or will be in trouble is extremely upsetting and, by the way, offensive." Which it is, profoundly so. But whether he goes on to add that depends, I guess, on whether he wants to open that particular discussion with them. Since people don't really change their ways, I would say that it's useless because they would be clueless about how deeply offensive this offer is.

When he refuses they might capitulate and go all "We're so sorry, of course we'll give you the money with no strings." But I hope you and he already have agreed by then that even if they do that - -you will both say no again. If you take it even without strings they will feel they have control over you or will smugly remind you how they "helped" you. Over and over.

What husband should do: The next time they complain about your not being close enough to them, he should have the guts and balls to stand up for you. "You say that Wife isn't close enough to you, and I've heard that for a long time. As your son and her husband, I want to be clear that I don't want to hear this any more." And when they do it yet again, he and you (and kids if any) leave as he says, "We need to go now. I did say that I would not be party to hearing you complain about Wife. Have a nice day."