"Gift" from In-Laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The tone of it is ugly. It does not bode well for future relations with the in laws.
Call me what you will, but for 50K, there is no way I would agree to that, but for $4M I probably would. Not in the position of turning down $4M, so I can't say for certain if I would be tempted.

Exactly my thoughts.

I'm not in the position of *needing* 4 million (few people are) so in many ways that would be an easier amount for me to turn down...especially with strings like that.

[Anonymous]

When DH told her he was going to ask me to marry him, my MIL gave him her mother's diamond ring (who was still alive but remarried) with the comment, "If she doesn't use any part of the ring, I'd like it back. Well, it's been two decades, and even though I did not have the ring redone, I still don't feel like it's really mine.

[Anonymous]

For 50k, no. From the parents perspective, I see where they're coming from. Especially if they're lawyers and see families fall apart all the time, but unless your spouse is abusive, I can't imagine organizing your family finances around a divorce contingency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When DH told her he was going to ask me to marry him, my MIL gave him her mother's diamond ring (who was still alive but remarried) with the comment, "If she doesn't use any part of the ring, I'd like it back. Well, it's been two decades, and even though I did not have the ring redone, I still don't feel like it's really mine.

It IS yours!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When DH told her he was going to ask me to marry him, my MIL gave him her mother's diamond ring (who was still alive but remarried) with the comment, "If she doesn't use any part of the ring, I'd like it back. Well, it's been two decades, and even though I did not have the ring redone, I still don't feel like it's really mine.

It IS yours!

She didn't say that to my DH's SIL, who also got a ring from the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws recently gifted my brother-in-law a decent amount of money to use towards a downpayment on his first house. They have offered to do the same of my husband and I, but are requiring that I agree to give up that amount of home equity should my husband and I get divorced down the road (my husband would get to keep the money, it would not go back to the in-laws). It would be nice to have this "gift," but we don't really need the money. The in-laws constantly complain that my relationship to them should be closer, but I often feel that they try to make me the outsider -- this seems like yet another instance. What would you think?

This got compared to a pre-nup but I don't buy that. The parents aren't party to pre-nups, are they? Not in 2013, not here?

Sounds like they are trying to buy that "closeness" they claim they want but don't even see that their terms only drive you farther away. Or, alternatively, they are giving you a huge and blatant hint that they think you and he won't last. Either way -- totally out of line.

Your husband -- not you, HIM, as their adult child -- should just tell them, briefly and politely: "Regarding your offer, no thank you." End of story. Change the topic. No attempt to give them reasons, tempting as that may be.

He could of course go on to add that "The fact you offered it to us under terms that presuppose that our marriage is or will be in trouble is extremely upsetting and, by the way, offensive." Which it is, profoundly so. But whether he goes on to add that depends, I guess, on whether he wants to open that particular discussion with them. Since people don't really change their ways, I would say that it's useless because they would be clueless about how deeply offensive this offer is.

When he refuses they might capitulate and go all "We're so sorry, of course we'll give you the money with no strings." But I hope you and he already have agreed by then that even if they do that - -you will both say no again. If you take it even without strings they will feel they have control over you or will smugly remind you how they "helped" you. Over and over.

What husband should do: The next time they complain about your not being close enough to them, he should have the guts and balls to stand up for you. "You say that Wife isn't close enough to you, and I've heard that for a long time. As your son and her husband, I want to be clear that I don't want to hear this any more." And when they do it yet again, he and you (and kids if any) leave as he says, "We need to go now. I did say that I would not be party to hearing you complain about Wife. Have a nice day."

I hope you are a male, PP. What fucking balls you have, my friend. Kudos to you!

[Anonymous]

NP here. Don't take the money. Agree with PPs about the complications in terms of whether it's a gift, loan, or investment in your house by them. You don't need it, don't take it.

We went through this with MIL, too, and DH kept telling her "if you want a gift to be for both of us, put both of our names on it" when she complained about how I never properly thanked her for checks she sent to DH at the holidays.

Personally, I'd hate to imagine the invisible or unknown strings BIL is hooked onto for the money he's getting. Nothing is ever really a "gift" with people like that.