"Gift" from In-Laws

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not the same as a prenup, which I support. A prenup is closely followed by a promise from both of the signatories, witnessed by their closest friends and family, to make the marriage work. Her in laws are not making a promise , they're just insisting on leverage. . . for a gift. And implying they dislike their DIL or doubt their son's marriage.

NP, here. I disagree. They are making a gift to their son. They want to ensure that in the event of a divorce, that money stays in their family and doesn't go to the ex in-law. That's very much akin to prenuptials that allow each side to preserve their assets in the event of a separation/divorce. My family made certain gifts to us (a stock portfolio) that was included as pre-marital moneys for my marriage. Now that we have children, instead of coming back to me, that money will be placed in a trust for my children should we divorce or I die.

And we have a PNA, and it was nothing like what you said. It was basically a contract that said that X was my premarital assets that would remain mine in the event of divorce or death, Y was my spouse's premarital assets that would remain theirs in the event of divorce of death and everything else was joint marital. We both had assets that needed to remain on our sides of the family. Some were financial (my family stock portfolio vs my spouse's retirement pension); some were physical assets like our various family heirlooms that need to return to the respective families. This gift is essentially a portion of the family financial assets that that family wants to remain on their side of the family.

I agree with the PP that said that there is no right or wrong, only what is acceptable. If you agree with PNA's in general you would likely consider this to be an extension of that type of agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the same as a prenup, which I support. A prenup is closely followed by a promise from both of the signatories, witnessed by their closest friends and family, to make the marriage work. Her in laws are not making a promise , they're just insisting on leverage. . . for a gift. And implying they dislike their DIL or doubt their son's marriage.

NP, here. I disagree. They are making a gift to their son. They want to ensure that in the event of a divorce, that money stays in their family and doesn't go to the ex in-law. That's very much akin to prenuptials that allow each side to preserve their assets in the event of a separation/divorce. My family made certain gifts to us (a stock portfolio) that was included as pre-marital moneys for my marriage. Now that we have children, instead of coming back to me, that money will be placed in a trust for my children should we divorce or I die.

And we have a PNA, and it was nothing like what you said. It was basically a contract that said that X was my premarital assets that would remain mine in the event of divorce or death, Y was my spouse's premarital assets that would remain theirs in the event of divorce of death and everything else was joint marital. We both had assets that needed to remain on our sides of the family. Some were financial (my family stock portfolio vs my spouse's retirement pension); some were physical assets like our various family heirlooms that need to return to the respective families. This gift is essentially a portion of the family financial assets that that family wants to remain on their side of the family.

I agree with the PP that said that there is no right or wrong, only what is acceptable. If you agree with PNA's in general you would likely consider this to be an extension of that type of agreement.

And for the record, we have a PNA that the families are not a party to (they don't know the contents) and we are very close to both sides of the family and this isn't consider an insult to either side. We have been married 11 years, together 14 and are still very much in love (even after children) and as devoted as ever.

[Anonymous]

i would not accept.

i actually find it very sad that they would put this criteria on the money. as if, in the case of divorce, they don't give a shit about you, but want to protect their son.

very sad, as maybe you will be the mother of their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

But why couldn't they accomplish "the gift to their son" by simply giving him the money and letting him chose what to do with it as a PP suggested? Seems very controlling and different from a pre-nup where the husband and wife are bringing their own assets to the table.

[Anonymous]

Obligation money. Don't take it.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been married?

[Anonymous]

Original poster here -- we've been married about a year and half. We've been together for over 6 years.

[Anonymous]

OP, is the brother married? If so, did they insist on the same condition? Agree with the other pps that said your ILs are trying to control you and that you should turn down the offer.

[Anonymous]

Brother in law is not married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is the brother married? If so, did they insist on the same condition? Agree with the other pps that said your ILs are trying to control you and that you should turn down the offer.

Nevermind, I see you already answered this.

[Anonymous]

Completely insulting. Do you have kids? That would factor in as well - keeping a roof over their heads, and funding education etc. If they want to give DH money, they should give DH money and then let him do what he wants with it, which will likely be putting it towards a house.

[Anonymous]

"No thank you."

[Anonymous]

OP I would be mad either way. I'd be mad they attached strings to money and also mad that they gave one sibling money and not the other.

[Anonymous]

My ILs made some unkind remarks about my financial situation when DH and I were dating and contributed significantly less to our wedding than DH's siblings. We financed most of our wedding ourselves and have been financial independent of our families. Fast-forward 25 years, their daughter passed away unexpectedly this year and we are now raising her two young children in our fifties. We also have paid part of the ILs mortgage for ten years. Although they would never know it, the hurt remains in my heart and it was a turning point in their relationship with DH. You never know what life will bring. Treat your daughters- and sons-in-law kindly and equitably.

[Anonymous]

My brother took gift money for a down payment on a house from his in laws. He never did anything with our family after that. We call him Mr. Insert Wife's Maiden Name.