Youth pastor who doesn't have kids

[Anonymous]

Our church (mainline protestant) recently hired a new youth director. The circumstances of his hiring were less than transparent -- he just showed up one day. There's something about him that gives me the creeps, but i can't put my finger on what it is.

He doesn't have children and is in his late 30s. He is married. He was a youth director once before, ages ago, and has been bouncing around a family business since then.

Am I wrong to be reluctant to let my kids be in his care? We're seriously considering changing churches because of the way this all went down. It's very weird.

[Anonymous]

Does your church require a background check for those working with children? My methodist church does. I would call the church office and inquire. He and his wife may not be able to have children, but I also don't blame you for following your instincts.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he is gay but doesn't realize or believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your church require a background check for those working with children? My methodist church does. I would call the church office and inquire. He and his wife may not be able to have children, but I also don't blame you for following your instincts.

Yeah, they do. There was a rumor about a delay in hiring b/c of some delay in background checks. I get that there could be infertility, but I'm still a little guarded when I meet people without children who want to work with them. He's trying to set himself as some sort of confident and have secret conversations with kids and confidential prayer requests, etc. I said I hope there's some other adult line of oversight in place there.

[Anonymous]

He has your Spidey sense tingling. Trust your gut and find someplace new.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is odd at all that a youth pastor doesn't have kids. Many youth pastors are quite young and start working as youth pastors before they are married or have kids. maybe he would love ot have kids of his own but can't.

That is an odd thing to hold against him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is odd at all that a youth pastor doesn't have kids. Many youth pastors are quite young and start working as youth pastors before they are married or have kids. maybe he would love ot have kids of his own but can't.

That is an odd thing to hold against him.

It's not that alone. There's something else ... intangible, hard to describe. A vibe. It's not good.

[Anonymous]

Can I just mention that its is perfectly normal and good that your sensor goes off and by all means stay away from him and keep your family away from him HOWEVER kept this creep feeling to yourself. You do not want to destroy someones reputation based on a gut feeling. The truth is you may be wrong so keep your risk at zero but don't go on a mission making this guy look suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is odd at all that a youth pastor doesn't have kids. Many youth pastors are quite young and start working as youth pastors before they are married or have kids. maybe he would love ot have kids of his own but can't.

That is an odd thing to hold against him.

It's not that alone. There's something else ... intangible, hard to describe. A vibe. It's not good.

Well if it is something else, that is fine. The title of your post was that he didn't have kids. The fact he doesn't have kids is factoring into your sense of him being creepy is odd. Do you also feel creeped out by women who don't have kids but who work with them?

If certain other things about him are making you creeped out, fine.

[Anonymous]

Background checks don't find everything. Also, pedophiles often go unreported even when caught b/c churches/schools don't want to deal with the stigma associated with them.

Having children or not isn't a determining factor.

OP, you sound put off with the way he was hired and maybe you just don't like him. More than likely, he's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Background checks don't find everything. Also, pedophiles often go unreported even when caught b/c churches/schools don't want to deal with the stigma associated with them.

Having children or not isn't a determining factor.

OP, you sound put off with the way he was hired and maybe you just don't like him. More than likely, he's fine.

Yeah it sounds to me like Op is unhappy with the church and how they hired people. Sounds like a conflict with others or maybe she expected/wanted someone else to get that position. So now she is looking for a issue so she can make a big deal about leaving. Plant the seed of gossip that the new youth pastor might be a child molester. That will show them as she flounces off in a huff of drama.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he and his wife would love a child but have infertility issues and cannot afford to get help for it or adopt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he and his wife would love a child but have infertility issues and cannot afford to get help for it or adopt.

This was one of the first things I thought of after reading the original post.

And, this.

Do you also feel creeped out by women who don't have kids but who work with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your church require a background check for those working with children? My methodist church does. I would call the church office and inquire. He and his wife may not be able to have children, but I also don't blame you for following your instincts.

Yeah, they do. There was a rumor about a delay in hiring b/c of some delay in background checks. I get that there could be infertility, but I'm still a little guarded when I meet people without children who want to work with them. He's trying to set himself as some sort of confident and have secret conversations with kids and confidential prayer requests, etc. I said I hope there's some other adult line of oversight in place there.

What are the policies they have in place to protect the kids?

We are Catholic, and the one positive result of the terrible and tragic molestation scandal is that the church has now put in place very strictly enforced policies and procedures for anyone who is working with children at the church or church events in any capacity. Basically, an adult working or volunteering in any capacity with children at the church may not be alone with any non relative children. Period. There is also extensive training that teachers, ordained, lay people and volunteers must go through if they are working with children, along with background checks, etc.

That doesn't prevent it from ever happening again, but many of the opportunities to abuse children are no longer there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your church require a background check for those working with children? My methodist church does. I would call the church office and inquire. He and his wife may not be able to have children, but I also don't blame you for following your instincts.

Yeah, they do. There was a rumor about a delay in hiring b/c of some delay in background checks. I get that there could be infertility, but I'm still a little guarded when I meet people without children who want to work with them. He's trying to set himself as some sort of confident and have secret conversations with kids and confidential prayer requests, etc. I said I hope there's some other adult line of oversight in place there.

So what do you do if your child gets a teacher or a camp counselor or a swimming instructor or a pediatrician that doesn't have kids? you really think they have ulterior motives and so you would be guarded?