DH and money anxiety, how to deal?
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Anonymous
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My husband watches our bank account like a hawk this has been an issue since getting married. Yesterday he called me at work to demand what on earth I could have spent $18 on at Starbucks. I basically told him I was not responding, and then later after calming down from being livid said that I was going to flat out ignore questions like that, how dare he thinks controlling me like that is on the table, and how I was going to start taking out cash every week so I can buy lunch, CVS runs, etc out from under his gaze. He apologized a lot and said that with our recent home purchase he's just way more anxious and he feels out of control.
Moving forward, what would you do? Should I just get my own private bank account. this is def not the first time, just one of the more offensive ones, IMO |
Anonymous
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It depends on what your finances are like. If money is a concern, maybe you two need to sit down and make a budget. Starbucks might be out of the question for awhile. Actually, making a budget is a good idea for most people I think. Puts you on the same page while making sure neither feels controlled but also that there is emergency money left
If money isn't a concern (i.e. if one of you lost your job tomorrow you'd be ok) then just set up your own private account with a little bit of money in it for purchases like that. |
Anonymous
| I'm with the husband. Wtf are you buying at Starbucks? |
Anonymous
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OP here, I bought two coffees and and then a pound of coffee so I could make the stuff at home and save the money. Sigh...
Money is not a concern at all. We have a generous budget of $2300/month for the two of us to exsist (eating out, clothes, grocery, etc) and we always come in under. I guess I am just wondering if this is too controlling or just a person having a weak moment. Should I forget or start looking to un-do our combined account. I am not mad any more, it just happens enough that I am so frustrated |
Anonymous
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Are finances tight at all?
Do you both contribute equally? what is your HHI? |
Anonymous
You answered a couple of these as I posted. What do you think the root of his money anxiety is? Seeing as you have plenty of spending money and you come in under budget, what are his concerns? Does he hate waste? Did he grow up poor? |
Anonymous
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My DH and I deal with this, but I am the one who gets anxious. We just bought our first home. I grew up very poor and even though I know we can afford it, that fear never goes away. I get frustrated because my DH just doesn't understand why I feel this way. I hate the feeling of "wasted" money, like $2 on a coke when a can from home is so much cheaper.
Does he have a fear of poverty like me? If so, cut him some slack. |
Anonymous
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Is DH trying to save towards something particular? Is there any good reason he'd be upset about $18 at Starbucks?
It sounds like you should get a credit card he doesn't have access to and you guys agree that you spend a certain amount of money on it without his involvement. |
Anonymous
| Maybe he just wants you to check with him when you spend foolishly. That much for coffee is foolish. |
Anonymous
| It might be new home anxiety. When we bought our place I felt like everyday turned into a $1,000 day. Leaky this, broken that, squeeky door, cracked this... We were financially OK but for a while I made my wife fucking bonko. |
Anonymous
| OP again, he grew up actually fairly wealthy, not like summers at the house in France stuff, but private schools, camp, upper middle class. he says that he feels out of control in a lot of aspects of his life and he tends to hone in on the bank account as a thing he can control. He LOVES paying the bills, contributing to and looking at our 401k, etc. he's just anal. I like the idea of using my own card and having a limit we agree on. I also thought about taking out $100 every Monday. I can be sensitive to, for example, the waste of eating a $12 salad everyday at choppt, but I guess even if I did that, given our circumstances, it's not reasonable to ask and follow up and quiz me about small habits. Being put on the defensive makes me feel like he's being really patronizing. |
Anonymous
I was a psycho when we bought our house, too. I dreaded going to Home Depot because it felt like every time I went cost $300 or more. And we had to go to HD A LOT. |
Anonymous
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That might be a good way Op to find a happy medium. If you agree on a set amount of money that you will take out that you don't have to account for. This is your pocket money.
Given how you have described him, it really doesn't sound like it is personal at all or about you. |
Anonymous
| I would bet it's the house. If he's prone to these things, try to let these things go for a bit. I sympathize, though, it's not so much about the coffee, but undermining everyday things? I feel like that a lot w my cheap DH |
Anonymous
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DH and I are very careful with money (we save and invest versus "consuming" things) and would never spend that much at Starbucks.
That being said, your husband might be a control freak. I don't like the fact that he called you at work to demand explanations - it sounds as if he wants to control you, which is very different from trying to economize as much as possible. I would have been angry too! Try explaining this to him. |