DH and money anxiety, how to deal?

[Anonymous]

My DH (who also grew up with money--not crazy rich, but way more money then my family had) is also quite anxious about money. We had separate linked accounts for the first 5 or so years we were married and I think that worked pretty well, so you could look into that. But for a variety of reasons we recently got a joint account and although he's never hit the roof about a Starbucks trip specifically he does get bothered at some of my spending. And FTR, we are not in financial trouble of any kind and live well within our means.

We have 2 things which have helped head off a lot of arguments: one, we discuss any planned purchases of more than $150 that aren't related to car, groceries, etc. So, if I am planning to go shopping for clothes for myself and/or kids I mention this to him and we agree on a budget. Similarly if he's going to buy clothing we talk about that.

Two, as PPs have mentioned, we agreed to each get a weekly ällowance" of $20. We can use this for buying lunch, coffee, whatever. It has made me bring my lunch pretty much every day to offset my coffee purchases...

[Anonymous]

My FIL is like this. Always orders the cheapest thing on the menu (and if he's paying, what others order), always has a scheme for getting something cheaper, etc. he is a dr who makes half a million a year. It's a control thing. Sometimes DH drifts into this territory and I tell him to stop. Maybe I would do sep credit card with an agreement not to spend more than x per month and no one gets to talk about how it's spent.

[Anonymous]

Can you get another one? A younger, hotter, laid back one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has very little to do with money and a lot to do with your husband's personality. He's controlling.

Or he's anxious which means he is fighting to feel in control of himself. Feeling in control of how the money is spent may reduce his anxiety. His intention is not to control another person, but to act in ways that reduce his own feelings of being out of control.

OP here again, thanks for your thoughtfulness, all, and this especially really hits home for me. These issues always pop up w more intensity during changing and challenging times, which we're truly in the throws of right now. I'm taking out $50 to spend on myself each week which will likely cover my two coffees and one or two Pret lunches. On the flip side of his reaction to these things, I think longer about buying new clothes, etc, which had helped pad our bank account, and although its a bit selfish, I worry less about our future bc he's so caught up in it. I just feel very safe knowing he has his eye on the ball. So everything has a flip side.

[Anonymous]

I saw this happen with my own parents. My dad was so controlling with money (he was definitely an anxious person) she ended up rebelling by buying things behind his back and racking up credit card debt. They had to refinance the house at one point (I'm sure their HHI was a lot lower than yours, she spent money they didnt have.)

That's an extreme example, but he just cannot treat you like a child, you shouldn't feel like you're answering to him, you should both be on the same team and have equal say and control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband watches our bank account like a hawk this has been an issue since getting married. Yesterday he called me at work to demand what on earth I could have spent $18 on at Starbucks. I basically told him I was not responding, and then later after calming down from being livid said that I was going to flat out ignore questions like that, how dare he thinks controlling me like that is on the table, and how I was going to start taking out cash every week so I can buy lunch, CVS runs, etc out from under his gaze. He apologized a lot and said that with our recent home purchase he's just way more anxious and he feels out of control.

Moving forward, what would you do? Should I just get my own private bank account. this is def not the first time, just one of the more offensive ones, IMO

Wish my dh could see what real controlling is like so he wouldn't go nuts when I just check to make sure the thing that was charged on an outlet clothing site was really something he charged and not some stranger with his credit card number. Sorry, OP, not what you asked about but getting a separate checking account for your individual purchases sounds like a good idea.

[Anonymous]

What's the best way to create a secret savings account? Do that

[Anonymous]

Whoever posted that you would question your spouse over an $18 Starbucks purchase - you people are nuts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because you have $2000 plus a month extra doesn't mean you have to spend it.

You're correct. But stuffing it in the bank is pretty foolish too. Diversification means just that. My husband used to put all his money in the bank and into paper investments (stock, bonds, etc.). He's realized over time, that's not enough, that it's too volatile.

Precious metals, in the form of jewelry (or bars or coins if you want to go that route) is very important as well. Last recession, even gold-filled jewelry brought in cash. You get robbed, and that little silver, gold, or platinum coin around your neck hidden under your clothing can be your only ticket home. Ditto that gold necklace - can get you a bus ticket at the least.

Real estate, land, heck, even collectibles are a good thing. Hell, I'm probably going to drop some money on a vintage Martin guitar quite soon, something I can enjoy now and pass to one of my kids later. The key is to know your markets and really understand the concept of supply and demand and look forward with that in mind. It took years for my husband to see the wisdom in this; before that, he considered all purchasing 'consumerism'. He's researched and learned as he's aged.

Spending money on a bottle of water or on Starbucks? There needs to be pleasures in life. Little things like this, I consider rewards for a hard day's work.

I like how you think financially.

[Anonymous]

We have separate accounts - DH and I have a shared expenses, shared bills (all on autopay), savings accounts, etc. but then we each have an allowance account. We get $X each pay check to spend free and clear on whatever nonsense we want to use it for, without checking with each other. Maybe something like that would work for you? Plus its budgeted that we each get the same dollar amount, so there's no complaining about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We each get "blow" money each month that we can spend on whatever we like. Our is $100/month each. Starbucks would be blow money (though the coffee grinds would be grocery )

You're not gonna get much blow for $100/month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I saw this happen with my own parents. My dad was so controlling with money (he was definitely an anxious person) she ended up rebelling by buying things behind his back and racking up credit card debt. They had to refinance the house at one point (I'm sure their HHI was a lot lower than yours, she spent money they didnt have.)

That's an extreme example, but he just cannot treat you like a child, you shouldn't feel like you're answering to him, you should both be on the same team and have equal say and control.

Wow. This exact thing happened with my parents.

OP, you guys need to have a conversation about money, come up with a plan for how you can both feel comfortable with what you are spending so that he can never again make such an absurd phone call. I like the suggestion of a set amount of cash per week.