How do you be the supportive spouse in this situation?

[Anonymous]

So, in the 15 years I've been married/with my spouse, I've come to understand my DW a lot better. I appreciate her strengths and I fully recognize her weaknesses.

One such weakness is a tendency to find conflict in a variety of situations: Work, community groups, school (teachers, parents), and lately, church. When we first started out, I, of course, have always had her back. She's bright, organized, wicked smart, and she gets things done. The flip side is she can be like a bull in a China shop, she's prone to throwing elbows or sending off caustic e-mails to people. She often has an attitude that other people are idiots and she's not shy about being vocal about that when there is conflict. More than once I've had to come in to mediate, repair relationship damage (i.e., with a teacher), and generally appear as the reasonable one.

We're now in yet another one of these blow-ups. She, understandably, wants me to listen while she rants and vents about how incompetent others are and how she's the best at this kind of thing, and how dare so-and-so do such-and-such, and why the hell does Larla have this role for which she is totally unqualified. Etc. And you know what? I am officially tired of this shit. I've come to realize that she is the common denominator in all of these incidents. And I'm, frankly, exhausted of having her demand that I sit in a room when I'm really tired and listen and give her support, when increasingly all I want to say is "take it down a notch" or "calm down" or "maybe you're really overreacting." Or, really, what I want to say is, "this seems to happen with great frequency, and you're the common denominator."

Of course, if I say or do anything that isn't 100 percent supportive, then I am the idiot, unsupportive, etc. etc.

My solution, recently, has been to try to avoid these conversations. I'm just really passive-aggressive, but I don't want to be subjected to the drama. And, if I am subject to the drama, I don't want to have to censor what I'm really thinking, nor do I really want to be an unsupportive partner. I just am at the point where I figure -- you dug yourself into this mess, stop trying to drag me into it.

Thoughts welcome. I'm truly exasperated.

[Anonymous]

Couples counseling asap

[Anonymous]

Menopause will make this side of her worse, if it hasn't already, so you'd better speak up now. Just keep repeating, any time she starts, "I support you in spirit, but I don't want to hear anymore about this or be involved with this situation, as you are handling it. It stresses me out." Then walk away, fast.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure she expects you to verbally back her up? Nodding frequently and occasionally saying "wow" and "really?" should get you through a conversation without making you feel like you're self-censoring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Menopause will make this side of her worse, if it hasn't already, so you'd better speak up now. Just keep repeating, any time she starts, "I support you in spirit, but I don't want to hear anymore about this or be involved with this situation, as you are handling it. It stresses me out." Then walk away, fast.

Holy crap. You might have just hit the nail on the head, and I hadn't considered that. Tell me more, please. Not gratutiously -- I'm genuinely curious.

[Anonymous]

"Holy crap. You might have just hit the nail on the head, and I hadn't considered that. Tell me more, please. Not gratutiously -- I'm genuinely curious."

Not that PP, but hormonal fluctuations during the 10 years or so prior to menopause can cause increased anger in some women. I'm handling it with lots of regular exercise and mostly clean eating, but I know some docs will give low dose anti-depressants to some women. It is really important for women to focus on healthy sleep habits, clean eating & regular exercise during these years, or it is really easy to lose it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, in the 15 years I've been married/with my spouse, I've come to understand my DW a lot better. I appreciate her strengths and I fully recognize her weaknesses.

One such weakness is a tendency to find conflict in a variety of situations: Work, community groups, school (teachers, parents), and lately, church. When we first started out, I, of course, have always had her back. She's bright, organized, wicked smart, and she gets things done. The flip side is she can be like a bull in a China shop, she's prone to throwing elbows or sending off caustic e-mails to people. She often has an attitude that other people are idiots and she's not shy about being vocal about that when there is conflict. More than once I've had to come in to mediate, repair relationship damage (i.e., with a teacher), and generally appear as the reasonable one.

We're now in yet another one of these blow-ups. She, understandably, wants me to listen while she rants and vents about how incompetent others are and how she's the best at this kind of thing, and how dare so-and-so do such-and-such, and why the hell does Larla have this role for which she is totally unqualified. Etc. And you know what? I am officially tired of this shit. I've come to realize that she is the common denominator in all of these incidents. And I'm, frankly, exhausted of having her demand that I sit in a room when I'm really tired and listen and give her support, when increasingly all I want to say is "take it down a notch" or "calm down" or "maybe you're really overreacting." Or, really, what I want to say is, "this seems to happen with great frequency, and you're the common denominator."

Of course, if I say or do anything that isn't 100 percent supportive, then I am the idiot, unsupportive, etc. etc.

My solution, recently, has been to try to avoid these conversations. I'm just really passive-aggressive, but I don't want to be subjected to the drama. And, if I am subject to the drama, I don't want to have to censor what I'm really thinking, nor do I really want to be an unsupportive partner. I just am at the point where I figure -- you dug yourself into this mess, stop trying to drag me into it.

Thoughts welcome. I'm truly exasperated.

I hear you bro. But first, no more passive aggressive. It is unbecoming of a man you want be considered as an equal. Unfortunately, then, that leaves the hard option, which is usually the right thing to do. You need to be able to say, listen, I disagree with how you are handling the situation.

Of course, you cant do this in public. Criticism should be handled in private and lovingly.

Your exasperation is partially your doing for not establishing boundaries. Your wife is also clearly at fault. I think that you have taken the whole passive aggressive thing because you know that she wont reason with you. I hate to say it but I am willing to bet she wouldnt take to counseling very nicely. Based solely on what you wrote, it does not seem to appear that you wife has a very pleasant disposition, and I think you are realizing that it isnt for you. Ive been there. Im still dealing with it. But it is much better. Keep in touch, man.

[Anonymous]

DW here. DH and I have recently been dealing with a similar situation, and I know I am the common denominator in some circumstances. Couples counseling would be a wise choice. Also - maybe consider bringing this up in a non-judgmental way when things are going well? Maybe a quiet night... you can say, "hey can we talk about something?" I wouldn't say "you always..." Instead, say, I'm getting concerned because you got angry at X, angry at Y and angry at Z all in the last week, month, etc. See if she can see the pattern if you put the spotlight on it. KWIM?

[Anonymous]

11:03 here... i should add - my DH was frustrated with how I was dealing with an issue at work and thought he observed a pattern. So he stopped talking to me about his work, because he didn't want to talk about my work. Which led us down the path of disconnection. Don't let it fester, that's what I'm saying.

[Anonymous]

Couple's counseling. And then come back and let me know how the topic was broached with your DW. I was on the receiving end of a caustic person like your wife, and was at a complete loss with how to even interact with her. She was very skilled at her job, which made her comments about others have some credibility; however, taken as a whole, you saw the pattern. Nobody - I mean, NOBODY - could live up to her standards. It made for an extremely miserable two years we worked together.

[Anonymous]

I'd suggest that you actually need some counseling on your own, too. Not because there is necessarily an issue for you to work on, but, rather, because your own therapist will be able to work with you on tools/techniques for dealing with the way your wife is handling things.

[Anonymous]

It sounds as if she is what you call a difficult person. They generally lack selfawareness about their personalities and how they affect people around them.

I don't think a person like this needs support until they understand they are the problem. Otherwise nothing will change.

If you enter couples counseling i am certain the therapist will understand this and want to take care of this problem first and foremost.

Bad advice.

She may be a difficult person, but it is foolish to think that one person is 100% the problem in any relationship. The fact of the matter is when a relationship is bad, both partners are feeding into it and need to reconsider the ways they cope in the relationship.

Any good therapist avoids one sided blame and works with both individuals to handle the problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, your post made me think of this video. Hopefully you (and maybe DW) can laugh at it.

It's Not About the Nail
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

[Anonymous]

I just watched that video you posted and completely cracked up. I am not OP, but I am sending the link to my DH. It's PERFECT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It sounds as if she is what you call a difficult person. They generally lack selfawareness about their personalities and how they affect people around them.

I don't think a person like this needs support until they understand they are the problem. Otherwise nothing will change.

If you enter couples counseling i am certain the therapist will understand this and want to take care of this problem first and foremost.

Bad advice.

She may be a difficult person, but it is foolish to think that one person is 100% the problem in any relationship. The fact of the matter is when a relationship is bad, both partners are feeding into it and need to reconsider the ways they cope in the relationship.

Any good therapist avoids one sided blame and works with both individuals to handle the problem.

Not necessarily. Sometimes, one partner is more to blame than the other.

Or do you repeat what you said above to a woman who's been cheated on?