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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So, in the 15 years I've been married/with my spouse, I've come to understand my DW a lot better. I appreciate her strengths and I fully recognize her weaknesses.

One such weakness is a tendency to find conflict in a variety of situations: Work, community groups, school (teachers, parents), and lately, church. When we first started out, I, of course, have always had her back. She's bright, organized, wicked smart, and she gets things done. The flip side is she can be like a bull in a China shop, she's prone to throwing elbows or sending off caustic e-mails to people.  She often has an attitude that other people are idiots and she's not shy about being vocal about that when there is conflict. More than once I've had to come in to mediate, repair relationship damage (i.e., with a teacher), and generally appear as the reasonable one.

We're now in yet another one of these blow-ups. She, understandably, wants me to listen while she rants and vents about how incompetent others are and how she's the best at this kind of thing, and how dare so-and-so do such-and-such, and why the hell does Larla have this role for which she is totally unqualified. Etc. And you know what? [i]I am officially tired of this shit.[/i] I've come to realize that [i]she[/i] is the common denominator in all of these incidents. And I'm, frankly, exhausted of having her demand that I sit in a room when I'm really tired and listen and give her support, when increasingly all I want to say is "take it down a notch" or "calm down" or "maybe you're really overreacting." Or, really, what I want to say is, "this seems to happen with great frequency, and you're the common denominator."

Of course, if I say or do anything that isn't 100 percent supportive, then [i]I[/i] am the idiot, unsupportive, etc. etc.

My solution, recently, has been to try to avoid these conversations. I'm just really passive-aggressive, but I don't want to be subjected to the drama. And, if I am subject to the drama, I don't want to have to censor what I'm really thinking, nor do I really want to be an unsupportive partner. I just am at the point where I figure -- you dug yourself into this mess, stop trying to drag me into it.

Thoughts welcome. I'm truly exasperated.[/quote]

I hear you bro.  But first, no more passive aggressive.  It is unbecoming of a man you want be considered as an equal. Unfortunately, then, that leaves the hard option, which is usually the right thing to do.  You need to be able to say, listen, I disagree with how you are handling the situation.

Of course, you cant do this in public.  Criticism should be handled in private and lovingly.

Your exasperation is partially your doing for not establishing boundaries.  Your wife is also clearly at fault.  I think that you have taken the whole passive aggressive thing because you know that she wont reason with you.  I hate to say it but I am willing to bet she wouldnt take to counseling very nicely.  Based solely on what you wrote, it does not seem to appear that you wife has a very pleasant disposition, and I think you are realizing that it isnt for you.  Ive been there.  Im still dealing with it. But it is much better. Keep in touch, man.  [/quote]

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