Is there something wrong with a woman who says she "needs" a child?

[Anonymous]

Here's the background - DW and I have been married for over 10 years. We have a beautiful 12 year old girl. My wife has intimated over the years that she wants another child, however I have backed off from this because I basically see that DW has never been able to adequately manage being a parent. Everything is a crisis or drama, she tends to treat DD as some extension of her self and channels all of her fears, frustrations and needs for perfection into her child rearing. It makes me and DD crazy!

I have told DW that she needs to seek therapy to deal with her negative parenting issues, but she refuses. So, I have told her that I will not even seriously consider another child because she has shown me that she can barely manage the one we have and that it would not be good to bring another child into her crazy-making world. It is bad enough that DD has to suffer her mother's mood swings, her screaming and crying fits, etc.

Well, the other day DW is in a crying fit to me telling me how much she "needs" another baby and that it is my duty to provide her with one. Uhm, no, sorry dear, it is not my duty. You get healthy first, then we can discuss it.

[Anonymous]

Do not have another child with this woman. Get snipped if you have to. Also, you may want to consider counseling for yourself. You cannot change her - only she can change herself. All you can change is how you respond to all her behaviors.

Sorry, OP. I had this kind of parent, and it's hard.

[Anonymous]

I have to say you come across as very arrogant and condescending. People are not "entitled" to a second child because they are perfect and are rated Outstanding with their first child by their spouse. I also get a whiff of a strange alliance between you and your daughter in which you pass judgment on your wife. No wonder she has a poor relationship with your daughter.

I think you need family therapy. Not about the second child issue, but about the terrible dynamics in the entire relationship here. You are not a fit father either.

[Anonymous]

^^^ I think your wife found this thread, OP!

[Anonymous]

Say what you want, but I live with this woman and see how she behaves every day. Judge away....

[Anonymous]

Get counseling for yourself and your daughter. It is not a healthy dynamic. Good luck to you and your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say what you want, but I live with this woman and see how she behaves every day. Judge away....

We get it. She's shit and you're the poo.

[Anonymous]

Completely agree with 05:17. I'd written and then deleted something similar because I figured you'd write something arrogant in response. You sound like, well, a dick. I'm sure your wife isn't perfect, but you're cold and you're likely manipulating your daughter to choose sides. Therapy, stat.

[Anonymous]

I don't need to manipulate my DD. She sees how Mom behaves. She is 12 years old, and she is not stupid. Also, y'all are right she is not "entitled" to a child - perfect or not. I just don't feel that it would be right, given what I have observed in the course of the marriage, to bring another child into what is essentially a dysfunctional family dynamic. There is nothing wrong with that view. DW has a choice - therapy or no. If no, forget ever having another child. Pretty fair, I think.

[Anonymous]

On another note, if my youngest is 12, there's no way in hell I'd want another child and have to go through the baby years again.

[Anonymous]

There are two parents involved here, so both parents have to give a "yes." This is one of those rare situations where a "no" trumps. There is no compromise. A child deserves to have both parents wanting him/her. If you do not want another child, then that's it. It's harsh, but that's it. Wife has to deal with it or divorce you to find someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely agree with 05:17. I'd written and then deleted something similar because I figured you'd write something arrogant in response. You sound like, well, a dick. I'm sure your wife isn't perfect, but you're cold and you're likely manipulating your daughter to choose sides. Therapy, stat.

Different PP here, and I honestly have no idea where you're drawing this conclusion from. That OP must be manipulating his daughter...because she doesn't enjoy her mother's fits of crying and histrionic drama? If I had to guess, I'd say you and 5:17 are getting defensive because OP's description of his wife hits a little too close to home.

[Anonymous]

What was the purpose of your post? You seem to just want people to pat you on the back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't need to manipulate my DD. She sees how Mom behaves. She is 12 years old, and she is not stupid. Also, y'all are right she is not "entitled" to a child - perfect or not. I just don't feel that it would be right, given what I have observed in the course of the marriage, to bring another child into what is essentially a dysfunctional family dynamic. There is nothing wrong with that view. DW has a choice - therapy or no. If no, forget ever having another child. Pretty fair, I think.

You are part of that dynamic, not an observer. You post as if your wife's behavior, even if it's as bad as you state, occurs in laboratory-like conditions.

[Anonymous]

Leaving aside the issue of another child, because there could be many good reasons not to even if your wife was completely neurosis-free, let me ask you -- do you feel you have any responsibility for the problems in your home? If so, what?