A very flirty husband and now a very flirty friend

[Anonymous]

My H is a big flirt, its part of his personality. He is larger than life, always the life of any room he is in and people naturally love being around him. He has a lot of male friends which I see is not the norm (most of my friends husbands dont' really hang out with other men anymore) and of course women like him too! He runs a successful business and we have a great family/home life. The flirting has always bothered me a little but I am a secure person so I understood its part of his charm.

One of my friends however who is recently divorced and thinks my H is the end all be all I noticed has started flirting back. i am not really liking it. I want to talk to her about it and have asked my H to refrain from sending her the wrong message since she seems vulnerable and takes everything to heart, but I dont' want to hurt her nor do I want to look immature or insecure. I just don't like it. Any ideas on how to handle?

[Anonymous]

You talked to your husband. I think you leave it at that. You have some control over him, not your friend. There is no way to have hat conversation without sounding insecure and insulting your friend's fidelity. If your husband cools off to her and she doesn't take a hint, you're free to be less of her friend.

[Anonymous]

It's your husband's job to nip this in the bud. He's married and shouldn't be flirting with vulnerable single women. Occasional casual flirting with your married friends is much different than single ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: It's your husband's job to nip this in the bud. He's married and shouldn't be flirting with vulnerable single women. Occasional casual flirting with your married friends is much different than single ones.

As an outgoing person who comes off as a flirt, I am glad to hear this. I am married, happily, to my partner of 20 years. I grew up with lots of brothers, cousins, friends of brothers and cousins, male sports team members, and neighbors, in a smaller Midwestern environment where ribbing and teasing was a big part of relationships between friends. I find that when I am around other people from similar backgrounds, our ribbing and teasing and comfort with that mode of interaction can come off as flirting; I also find that I am more outgoing and exuberant with people who are more loosened up, since that's how I grew up.

Which is all to say, OP, you have spoken with your husband and you have an understanding. He knows what cheating is and he is responsible for himself. If she is lapping up the attention, there's nothing you can do about her feelings or her end of it, as long as the attention he is giving is in the vein of his regular way of behaving. You can let him know that you don't want the dynamic between them to escalate, but you have to trust him to keep an eye on it. If you can't trust him like that, you do have something to be insecure about, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

You're attracted to him because he's a flirt. You're probably also attracted to him because he's the kind of guy other women want to be with, and, nevertheless, he chose you. You probably can't change this aspect of him without also diminishing your attraction to him.

Best you can do is decide whether you trust him or not and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

My ex was a big flirt too. The problem can be when a vulnerable needy woman comes along who will do anything for him and his attention. Sorry but at the end of the day nearly all men are driven by their d****s. Yes I just said it and firmly believe it. So don't let it escalate, that dynamic can be intoxicating to both parties....and not in a way that will make you very happy.

[Anonymous]

Your husband owes it to your friend to stop flirting with her. She's probably just basking in the positive male attention after being bruised by a failed marriage, but the risk to her that she may develop feelings for your husband in a rebound kind if way just isn't worth whatever minor pleasure your husband gets from flirting with her. Keep an eye on it and talk to him again if he continues. It's not that anyone means anything bad by it, but it can lead to a not-good place. And introduce your friend to some nice single guys!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: It's your husband's job to nip this in the bud. He's married and shouldn't be flirting with vulnerable single women. Occasional casual flirting with your married friends is much different than single ones.

+1

[Anonymous]

I agree that it's her husband's job to set boundaries but I would be very upset if a good friend of mine was flirting with my DH - I understand OP's friend is vulnerable (and I certainly don't want to perpetuate the ridiculous perception that divorced women are a threat to friends' marriages) but I think I would spend time with my friend one-on-one for a while and leave my DH out of it. I mean, OP said "very flirty", which is just inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex was a big flirt too. The problem can be when a vulnerable needy woman comes along who will do anything for him and his attention. Sorry but at the end of the day nearly all men are driven by their d****s. Yes I just said it and firmly believe it. So don't let it escalate, that dynamic can be intoxicating to both parties....and not in a way that will make you very happy.

Keep his balls empty and his stomach full and there will be no escalation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: It's your husband's job to nip this in the bud. He's married and shouldn't be flirting with vulnerable single women. Occasional casual flirting with your married friends is much different than single ones.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

You don't seem to think very much of your husband or your friend. Are you really concerned that your friend will get her feelings hurt by your husband's flirting, or are you concerned that your husband will go further than flirting?

If she's recently divorced and feeling down, and she enjoys harmless flirting with your husband, then why take that away from her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex was a big flirt too. The problem can be when a vulnerable needy woman comes along who will do anything for him and his attention. Sorry but at the end of the day nearly all men are driven by their d****s. Yes I just said it and firmly believe it. So don't let it escalate, that dynamic can be intoxicating to both parties....and not in a way that will make you very happy.

Keep his balls empty and his stomach full and there will be no escalation.

Really hate that saying, so crude and classless. Are you talking about men or a cow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't seem to think very much of your husband or your friend. Are you really concerned that your friend will get her feelings hurt by your husband's flirting, or are you concerned that your husband will go further than flirting?

If she's recently divorced and feeling down, and she enjoys harmless flirting with your husband, then why take that away from her?

Are you kidding? Hopefully your a male. We all know there is a very fine line between "harmless flirting" and it turning into more. Happens just like THAT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't seem to think very much of your husband or your friend. Are you really concerned that your friend will get her feelings hurt by your husband's flirting, or are you concerned that your husband will go further than flirting?

If she's recently divorced and feeling down, and she enjoys harmless flirting with your husband, then why take that away from her?

Are you kidding? Hopefully your a male. We all know there is a very fine line between "harmless flirting" and it turning into more. Happens just like THAT.

She says her husband flirts with everybody, and it's part of his charm. Why assume that it will turn into more in this case, unless she's accusing her friend of being on the prowl?