getting divorced and DH and I disagree on child custody
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Anonymous
| We have 2 children ages 6 and 3. DH and I are currently separated living in two different apartments. Currently I have the children most days during the week and DH has them on random days when he does not work and most Friday nights. I should start by saying that DH works untraditional hours. He works from 3:30pm - 6:30/7pm during the week and all day Saturday and Sunday. He is never home for homework time, dinner and bed time (he says goodnight to the kids but does not help with bedtime routine). We are trying very hard to come up with an agreement that would work for everyone and be the best for the children (ultimate goal). I am the one who picks up from school, gets homework done, dinner, bath, books and bed. I would prefer to have the children during the week because I am very organized and get homework done and children to bed on time. When DH has them at his house during the week the kids go to bed very late and are very tired at school the next day. He definitely wants 50% percent custody but admitted he will use a babysitter most of the time. For those of you who have BTDT, please help me try to determine what type of schedule would be best for the children. I want the children to have structure and not feel they are with him one night and me the next. etc. . . . . |
Anonymous
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Many parents don't get home until 6:30/7:00 so I don't think that should mean he doesn't get the kids overnight. He will be able to do dinner and bedtime and spend time with them in the morning before school. It is likely they will get to bed a little later at his place because of his schedule, just like many kids of parents who work later go to bed later. In the same way that if you worked later, you would probably keep them up a bit to see them. What time do they currently go to bed? Can he pick them up from your place when he gets off work? can bedtime be pushed back a bit at both places so it is still consistent?
I don't think it makes sense for them to be with a babysitter. Although they might balk at him picking them up from you at 6:30/7:00 Is there any way for him to change his schedule now that you are separated or is that schedule the only option? How many days off does he have - is it consistent days? Is there anyway he could get a Saturday or Sunday off? Is he open to finding a job with hours more conducive to parenting? I don't think it is good for the kids or their relationship with dad to only see him on Friday evenings, and the occasional other random evening. Did he used to spend time with them in the mornings? What are they used to in terms of interacting with dad? |
Anonymous
| Why are you separating and divorcing? And please don't say that's not relevant; it is. |
Anonymous
Why are their reasons for separating relevant to what sort of custody arrangement they negotiate? Who does the kids' dinner/homework/bedtime routines when they are with him now, OP? If he does not have them during the week and works all day on the weekend, when do you propose he gets to see his children? Are his working hours set or will it be 3:30-7 some week days and all day on some weekends only? Meaning - can your children expect some consistency within the non-standard hours? Or do the days that he works vary? How often do schedules come out? One of the things that I have learned in getting divorced is that you lose any decision-making power in how your ex chooses to parent, within reasonable standards. If your ex wants to use a babysitter so that someone is around when he has to work, that's his decision. If your kids are staying up too late and having trouble in school, it's perfectly reasonable to tell him that they need to be in bed by a specific time, but it sounds to me like you are trying to come up with reasons that he should not have custody at all. |
Anonymous
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OP here. I want to emphasize that I really want my children to have a relationship with their father. He is very important to them and he loves them and they adore him. I am sorry if I am coming across as if I do not want them to spend time with their father, that is not the case at all. What I am finding really hard is working around his schedule. He is very stubborn and will not do anything other than what he wants to do (think sports coach) and the hours he works make it very hard for me. He will probably be awarded with the weekdays (what I want ) due to his schedule. I would prefer weekdays because out of the two of us I am the 'organized' one. He is very disorganized. He has never done homework with my 6 year old and I just worry that it will not get done. He wouldn't even think to make lunches for school. Anyway, I am beginning to realize that I am now going to lose a lot of control and am going to start worrying a lot more. Thanks all!
For others who have advice on custody agreement in general, please share! What works best. . . thoughts please. |
Anonymous
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Your lawyer should be able to answer this better than we can. What does your lawyer say?
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Anonymous
| We do a 5-5-2-2 schedule. It's frusterating for sure because I've had to let go that I can't control how he parents etc but I do know that the kids of divorce absolutely need a clear schedule. Actually my therapist suggested putting a calender for her so she can see exactly when she is with me or with him, her school activities etc etc etc. Now that requires having my ex plan ahead so that part is a pain in the ass but its best for our daughter. |
Anonymous
Hi PP when you say 5-5-2-2- do you mean you have 5 days, he has 5 days, you have one weekend, and he has the next? This actually seems like a good plan because your daughter knows when it is your week and her dad's week. |
Anonymous
Hi PP when you say 5-5-2-2- do you mean you have 5 days, he has 5 days, you have one weekend, and he has the next weekend? Thanks! |
Anonymous
| Me mon and tuesday nights, him wed and thursday nights and switch weekends (Weekends are Friday night through Monday morning) |
Anonymous
It sounds like given his current work schedule, you're not going to end up with all of the weekdays since it makes no sense for him to have weekend custody. (He may well be stubborn, but his reason for wanting weekdays makes sense) So I think you should be realistic and think of arrangements where you get weekends and part of the week, and figure out which was of subdividing the weekdays minimizes the disruption to your children. |
Anonymous
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Yes, you're going to worry a lot more - a lot more. Do you really think life -for your children will be better?
Is there adultery, addiction or abuse? I'm guessing not |
Anonymous
| I would say you get the kids until he is able to pick them up during the weekdays. He can have mornings if he can get them to school on time. If you are able, kids should not be in child care. Then he gets them a few nights a week and you get them. If he wants 50/50, then he needs to get a more traditional job that will allow him time with the kids. It makes no sense to have them raised by babysitters if a parent is available. |
Anonymous
When does he pick them up? 
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