Is there a way to not let a marriage in crisis ruin your every waking moment? Need actual tips

[Anonymous]

Because I have a sense that having some ways of reclaiming one's mind and heart would be very helpful to get through something where the future is uncertain. My marriage is juuuuuuust about broken completely due to DH's breaches of trust and addictions he is now finally confronting.

So I have to decide if I support him in his recovery and trust again OR make a decision that enough evidence is in that he does not have what it takes to be in a marriage. I have no way of leaving now, but I totally would if I could, just to let him do this recovering business without me being tortured by questions of "is this even possible"?

Im seeing an UGH therapist Monday who might actually be good, but goddamnit I am so tired of having to seek help for his problem I dont have any control over. So, maybe I should find little ways to find light and love in my life, such as focusing on my daughter, baking pumpkin bread today, raking leaves.

I just spend WAY WAY too much time processing his choices and motivations, its no way to live. Now that his antidepressants are finally at the correct dose, I think, he is starting to "see" things and admit to things he did that were wrong. Apparently he didnt see it before, now he can, thanks to the pills, which he used to angrily say I forced him to take, but which he now says he chose to take. So, some hope there, but all this a few weeks old, literally two weeks of revelations.

PUMPKIN BREAD. RAKING LEAVES. Hot Shower? Home pedicure? Scented candles? Working out.

Thoughts/tips?

[Anonymous]

Op again: lets assume me staying and trying is the right thing to do, albeit hard for me to know at the moment.

So I need tips for relief in that context. Thanks

[Anonymous]

OP, spend time with good friends. Don't spend that time talking about your marriage, but instead focus on enjoying those lighter, easier, more restorative relationships. Anything that helps you recharge will help the overall situation.

If there's something specific that you like to do (run, museums, 80s music, pottery, whatever), find time to do it.

Good luck, OP. I hope your journey ends in a good place.

[Anonymous]

Agree with spending time with friends. Choose to be with people who are positive and upbeat, not friends that tend to be bitch sessions.

[Anonymous]

When I find myself losing sleep, worrying, and stressing out about things I can't control, I take a mental vacation from my problems. I try to think about something else and/or do something physical.

There are some things I can't change, but my house is always clean and tidy!

[Anonymous]

You hit the nail on the head--take care of yourself. Yes, make the pumpkin bread, rake the leaves and workout.

My best friend has just come out of a rough patch with her husband who has been struggling with his addictions. She always had an excuse as to why she couldn't go out or work out or do something for herself. It was when she stopped being "the parent" in the relationship and stopped sacrificing her needs that things started to turn around. She recognized that her husband was going to do what he was going to do. She had no control over that. AND she recognized that she would be fine with whatever happened. She was strong enough to get through.

Keep up with your therapy. Focus on you. Focus on your issues. Let your husband work through his issues. They are HIS issues, not yours.

[Anonymous]

I went back to school. Focusing on "me" instead of him.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone. Its true- they are his problems. He owns them, I dont. They did ruin the marraige, unfortunately, so they became my problems.

I feel most at peace when I can manage to let go and see that he owns it from here on. Trouble is, any and all prgress he has made has always been because of me- including that he was so awful towards me (yelling.rage/verbaly emotionally abusive) that I had to tell hin to see treatment or else I could not stay married.

Now that he is facing his addiction and acting like he "was" addicited, part of me is going "oh shit- he still doesnt get it" and reflexively I feel like I need to do something in order to to make sure he doesnt drop the ball again.

But Im just spiritually exhasuted. I cant monitor or oversee him. Even if that was the right thing to do, and I know its not, I would be incapable of doing it.

I need to reclaim my brain and my spirit.

Friends- I remember those. And YES not to talk about this problem with them- largely I have not, but lately I have. And it seems pointless. So good advice there: talk about something else with them. So obvious, but dont think I would have figured it out in my state!!

Its been hard in fact to even deal with the question "So how have you guys been"? I have to lie. And that is not my nature at all...

Focusing on me. That is long overdue. And i have to do this while raising our child in a situation Im not sure about. Luckuly, DH is a loving and loved father. Dont know what I will be needing to explain to DD down the line. Sad.

LEAVES! PUMPKIN BREAD! Need to refocus.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if you have been posting on DCUM about the issues. If not, there are others in your situation. Get off DCUM. Seriously. Reading about others marital problems is going to remind you of your own. Reading about others happy marriages is going to remind you how pissed you are at your husband.

Make time for you and also go out with your friends. And since they know what is going on tell them "tonight we aren't talking about our marriages" and stick to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if you have been posting on DCUM about the issues. If not, there are others in your situation. Get off DCUM. Seriously. Reading about others marital problems is going to remind you of your own. Reading about others happy marriages is going to remind you how pissed you are at your husband.

Make time for you and also go out with your friends. And since they know what is going on tell them "tonight we aren't talking about our marriages" and stick to it.

Yes I have been posting, and YES you are spot on and Ive been thinking the same thing. It reminds me of when I was dealing with a chronic pain issue and had to figure out that I needed to stop readong other peoples bad stories!

Thanks everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if you have been posting on DCUM about the issues. If not, there are others in your situation. Get off DCUM. Seriously. Reading about others marital problems is going to remind you of your own. Reading about others happy marriages is going to remind you how pissed you are at your husband.

Make time for you and also go out with your friends. And since they know what is going on tell them "tonight we aren't talking about our marriages" and stick to it.

Not OP, but in a very similar boat. I just want to thank you for this. You are so right. And now I'm getting off DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Go to Al Anon.

[Anonymous]

During the last year of my marriage, I meditated almost nightly (only way I could empty my brain enough to sleep). There are lots of guided meditations available on=line to help, and several centers around town that have weekly meetings or classes.

I also bought an iPod and spent a lot of time listening to fun and upbeat music - yes, Katy Perry, Kelly Clarkson, etc. I think music can really help with mood.

And I exercised a lot! I would run like a demon, and pump weights like crazy. Endorphins are your friend, as is sunlight. Can you take DD out for local hikes or bike rides each weekend day?

I also wrote. I took notes of what was happening, organized thoughts about what had happened in the marriage, read up on good marriages and set out what mine lacked - not to cast blame or be negative, but to understand what a marriage should be and how mine didn't meet the standards any ordinary person would have. This made me feel less "crazy" and more sane about what was and was not my fault, because addicts like to deny their reality and their role in it, and it can be very crazymaking to be in relationships with them. And I did some written exercises, such as imagining life divorced, and writing down my anger and disappointment and then visualizing putting it all in a box and putting that box away so I'd be free to live without it.

[Anonymous]

When things are really in crisis Op as they have been you tend to run on autopilot and in survival mode. Once you get a tiny little breather like you have now as he is slightly more stable and taking more responsibility than he has, it is normal to kind of crash or have all the emotions you have tucked away come flooding back. Taking care of yourself now is really really important.