Not sure how to move forward with DSis

[Anonymous]

For those of you who hate long posts, you can close this one now...

In June, I took my DDs to visit family a couple states away. It was only a week and I really didn't want to make any plans in advance, just wanted to relax and see friends/family at my own pace. My sis found out about 4 days before my arrival (I wasn't keeping it a secret, I just hadn't spoken to her since I decided) and called me in a bit of a huff. She wanted a detailed itinerary and I couldn't give her one. All I had planned in advance was to attend church and brunch with our Mom on Sunday, which I told her about. During the conversation, I appeased her by making plans to go to her house on Sat and spend the day with her family.

On Friday afternoon, after a VERY long car ride (bad weather, traffic, 2 cranky bored kids) I arrived at my Dad's (my parents are divorced) to find him arriving at the same time with my Dniece 9 in tow. I had no idea she was coming, but apparently Dsis called him the day before and asked him to come get her for the weekend. Wierd, since I thought I was going over to their house but ok.... Needless to say, I was tired and stressed after the ride but now had to deal with my 2 little girls (expected) PLUS DN who is not independant by most measures and needs to still be supervised/prodded for meals, bathtime, bedtime etc. In addition, there are not enough beds for 5 people at my dads so DD ended up sleeping on the floor and then trying to cram into the double bed with other DD and me in the middle of the night - not a good night's sleep!

On Saturday, Dsis never called to say come over and Dad said she had plans for the day, so I took my DDs and went to visit friends. When I came back at supper time, Dad said Dsis called and wanted me to call her and tell her what my plans were. Strange, since she already knew my plans from our previous phone conversation. When I called, I reminded her that she knew that I planned to go to church and brunch with our Mom in the morning. Her response was "well that was before DD was going to be there with you at Dad's" I told her she never talked to me about sending her over and if she had, I would have told her I didn't think it was a good idea and by the way, what happened to my invite over to her house!? She got very pushy and asked if there was some reason her DD couldn't go to church in the am as well. My response was that I'm sure Mom would be super excited to see her whole family and she could come get DD on Sunday and they could all join us for church a breakfast. She got mad and asked why I couldn't just take her DD with us. I replied that this was my vacation and that taking care of an extra child was not in my plans and I didn't appreciate that she just foisted on my without talking to me about it before hand. She said that my Dad could take care of her DD (he's 82 BTW!) and that she thought she was making my life easier since the girls would play together (they fight pretty often and while I love my niece, my sister's disciplica style is basically "ignore and do your own thing") My first thought is that if she really wanted to make my life easier, she would have come and picked my DDs up and taken them to her house! I reiterated that she could come to church with us, but that I wouldn't be taking her DD by myself. She then asked to speak to her DD and when I gave her the phone, informed her DD that she was coming to get her immediately.

They showed up a half hour later, retrieved my niece without making eye contact or saying a word. And she hasn't spoken to me since. She also stopped speaking to my Mom since she apparently blamed her for the whole thing as well, but at the end of Sept finally sort of starting talking to her again after an Aunt intervened.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life estranged and I certainly want a relationship with my niece (my nephew is 18 so it's a little easier with him, since he's an adult and we communicate via FB)

I think I deserve an apology. I don't think I was out of line to expect that she treat me with some respect and consideration by talking to me about it before unloading her kid on me for the weekend. And I thnk she overreacted when I wouldn't lay down and let her treat my like a doormat. But she apparently doesn't agree.

[Anonymous]

Wow, that was really bizarre. Your sister has problems. I would let it go for a few weeks and see if the situation cools off.

[Anonymous]

Agree, bizarre. But you can't change your sister. If you want a relationship with them, you have to accept them as they are. Personally, if my sister dumped her kid on me me and my dad without asking and thinks its acceptable (barring an emergency) I would avoid her. I don't need someone else's baggage in my life.

[Anonymous]

Agree with others that your sister sounds like she has issues, and that there is little chance of some kind of miraculous turnaround at this point in her life.

Maybe she was really hoping for extended playdate, either at her house, or at your Dad's, as a way to give herself a break from childcare?

At any rate, for the sake of reducing family drama (especially with holidays around the corner) I'd suggest a friendly email/phone call whatever, saying that your sorry about any mis-communications during the last visit (your not apologizing for what you did, just the situation) and then saying that you are thinking the next time you'll be in town will be ____ and can you guys get together at ____ time in ___ place to do ____.
I know your preference would be to keep things loose and unscheduled, but I'm thinking the way things are currently with your sister, you'd be better off making your visits with her very specific and very scheduled. If you want the rest of the time to be more unstructured, fine.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Ugh. My sympathies, OP. I am completely estranged from my DB for a similar reason. It's all stupid, but in families, there are things you can't change.

If you want a relationship with your sister, you have to apologize and just accept the fact that the relationship will be on her terms, and yes, she will be rude and disrespectful, but that's the price you will pay for having a relationship with her.

I was not willing to pay that price, but I'm paying anyway by not having a relationship with DB, who is my only sibling. It's sad for me, but at this point it's more painful for me to put up with my DB's rude behavior than for me to have no contact with him.

Your sister does not sound amenable to reason. Who knows, maybe she is taking out problems she's having with job/life/marriage/whatever on you. I think that's the case with DB, but in that case, there's nothing you can do about it. Your sister won't change, so you have to. Sad, but that's the way it is with some people, even ones you love and care about and wish they cared about you the same way.

[Anonymous]

Her behavior was wrong. Not conferring with you beforehand about expecting her daughter to stay with you. That's screwed up and selfish. And once you indicated you didn't feel like looking after three kids, she should have joined you. OTOH, in some families and with some kids, throwing another kid into the mix wouldn't be a big deal. But it sounds like that's not the case with your family.

I do think it's weird that you didn't give her a heads up about your trip once you knew you were going. It takes 60 seconds to send an email saying you're coming, keeping your plans pretty loose, and you look forward to making plans with her nice you're in town. So I wonder if her weird behavior was triggered in part by that? But verbally there must be more to the story. How's your relationship overall?

Btw, do not expect an apology.

[Anonymous]

Your sister was a bit of a bitch but so were you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others that your sister sounds like she has issues, and that there is little chance of some kind of miraculous turnaround at this point in her life.

Maybe she was really hoping for extended playdate, either at her house, or at your Dad's, as a way to give herself a break from childcare?

At any rate, for the sake of reducing family drama (especially with holidays around the corner) I'd suggest a friendly email/phone call whatever, saying that your sorry about any mis-communications during the last visit (your not apologizing for what you did, just the situation) and then saying that you are thinking the next time you'll be in town will be ____ and can you guys get together at ____ time in ___ place to do ____.
I know your preference would be to keep things loose and unscheduled, but I'm thinking the way things are currently with your sister, you'd be better off making your visits with her very specific and very scheduled. If you want the rest of the time to be more unstructured, fine.
Good luck!

She did make a very specific and scheduled time for her sister, and the sister bailed!

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it's not about who is right and who did what wrong and who deserves an apology. If you want to get along with your sister for everyone's sake, you have to suck it up and accept her, warts and all. You don't have to be a doormat, but you can't just: a) not have the courtesy to tell her you're coming, b) get annoyed about seeing your niece and not be willing to take her to church with you, c) say things like "this is my vacation!", etc.

You seem to not like your sister or your niece, so you're looking for fault. She could have been more gracious while you're visiting, but if there's tension between you then I could see why she would think "oh, let me just make sure to get the cousins together". You're still in a huff about this since June and it doesn't seem all that bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others that your sister sounds like she has issues, and that there is little chance of some kind of miraculous turnaround at this point in her life.

Maybe she was really hoping for extended playdate, either at her house, or at your Dad's, as a way to give herself a break from childcare?

At any rate, for the sake of reducing family drama (especially with holidays around the corner) I'd suggest a friendly email/phone call whatever, saying that your sorry about any mis-communications during the last visit (your not apologizing for what you did, just the situation) and then saying that you are thinking the next time you'll be in town will be ____ and can you guys get together at ____ time in ___ place to do ____.
I know your preference would be to keep things loose and unscheduled, but I'm thinking the way things are currently with your sister, you'd be better off making your visits with her very specific and very scheduled. If you want the rest of the time to be more unstructured, fine.
Good luck!

She did make a very specific and scheduled time for her sister, and the sister bailed!

She did make the plans, but I get the feeling the family dynamic going on is this sister just "does things" and everyone else goes along. Think of dad who just took the niece.
OP could have called in the morning and said, "so, as we discussed, we are visiting with you at your house today." She has to call her sister out on the passive aggressive stuff.

[Anonymous]

i agree that your sister was in the wrong.
i also have found that if you feel that you are owed an apology you will be disappointed and in turn hang on to resentment and anger and never really are able to move forward. i would come to terms with how your sister behaved and that she will likely never recognize any of her wrongs and try and move on from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it's not about who is right and who did what wrong and who deserves an apology. If you want to get along with your sister for everyone's sake, you have to suck it up and accept her, warts and all. You don't have to be a doormat, but you can't just: a) not have the courtesy to tell her you're coming, b) get annoyed about seeing your niece and not be willing to take her to church with you, c) say things like "this is my vacation!", etc.

You seem to not like your sister or your niece, so you're looking for fault. She could have been more gracious while you're visiting, but if there's tension between you then I could see why she would think "oh, let me just make sure to get the cousins together". You're still in a huff about this since June and it doesn't seem all that bad.

Bullshit. OP did an excellent job of setting boundaries and maintaining them. This was OP's trip and her sister was unreasonable to expect OP to take care of her niece in any way without discussing it with OP first. Why shouldn't OP tell her sister this was her vacation? It was! Why would OP's sister do what she did without discussing it with OP first? That sounds like someone who's used to manipulating people to get what she wants them to do.