Trapped in a bad marriage

[Anonymous]

Bottom line I can't stand my wife yet the only reason I am staying in the relationship is for our children. Sex is maybe once a month and at best maintenance sex to check the box. There is very little emotional connection. While she is a great mother, we are on different pages as to parenting at times and she'll contradict me with the kids or they'll run herd over her constantly. She is terribly organized and has no idea how to multitask and is always behind with everything. Been to therapy and yet that course has gone off the rails as to consistent work that needs to be done to repair things. She annoys the hell out of me with both the biggest and the smallest things and I really think she is an idiot at times. We try our best not to argue in front of them, but they are smart enough to pick some things up. Again if it wasn't for the kids, I'd be gone, yet I feel trapped. Stay in a miserable marriage and enjoy the kids doing the act for the next few decades or just pull the plug and face weekend visits with the kids and shared custody?

[Anonymous]

How old are th kids? I think a lot of times people with young kids are cranky and don't like each other and it could get better

[Anonymous]

She annoys the hell out of me with both the biggest and the smallest things and I really think she is an idiot at times.

That describes 99% of the women here. Either learn to deal with it or move on. Did you know you married stupid or did it happen over time ? Did you make her that way ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are th kids? I think a lot of times people with young kids are cranky and don't like each other and it could get better

Around kindergarten age. Long road ahead of misery or joint custody. Willing to work at this but don't see it from her end no matter what she says she will work on though actual change has never really surfaced in the past. Feel stupid I couldn't foresee this and feel like I'm screwed either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She annoys the hell out of me with both the biggest and the smallest things and I really think she is an idiot at times.

That describes 99% of the women here. Either learn to deal with it or move on. Did you know you married stupid or did it happen over time ? Did you make her that way ?

It happened over time as life got more challenging. Work, buying house, paying bills, managing kids, etc, etc.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess you have been married 7-9 years? Those are rough stages...it gets better. Commit yourself to SERIOUSLY working on it, every.single.day. and see where you are in 6 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess you have been married 7-9 years? Those are rough stages...it gets better. Commit yourself to SERIOUSLY working on it, every.single.day. and see where you are in 6 months.

problem is that if she is not committed to working on it as an equal partner with just as much at stake, the marriage cannot be salvaged and you will become bitter and angry - that is not the type of environment you want to have for your children.

many resources out there to successfully raise children in a split household - and many folks have done or are currently doing it. it is not without challenges for sure, but a hell of a lot better than being absolutely miserable.

[Anonymous]

The 7 year itch is rampant here.

[Anonymous]

You know if you don't respect your wife it's pretty hard to love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess you have been married 7-9 years? Those are rough stages...it gets better. Commit yourself to SERIOUSLY working on it, every.single.day. and see where you are in 6 months.

problem is that if she is not committed to working on it as an equal partner with just as much at stake, the marriage cannot be salvaged and you will become bitter and angry - that is not the type of environment you want to have for your children.

many resources out there to successfully raise children in a split household - and many folks have done or are currently doing it. it is not without challenges for sure, but a hell of a lot better than being absolutely miserable.

How often is it, though, that both people commit to working on the marriage at the same time? I would say in a troubled marriage one party has to get the ball rolling and then hopefully the other person will catch on. We have to remember that OP's wife has a POV too. She may say that she's exhausted, that he puts in no effort, doesn't help "organize" if that's what he wants so much, is a bad sexual partner, patronizes her, who knows what. I'm not saying OP does any of that necessarily, but it takes two people to make a bad marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP change something. As your wife what she'd like you to do. Work on it everyday. See if there are results. Start cleaning the house more, take cooking lessons, pick up a hobby. You must have loved something about your wife to have married her. And you say that she is a good mother, so there's that to start form.

Sometimes everything isn't equal. Sometimes one partner needs to do more to keep the marriage working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are th kids? I think a lot of times people with young kids are cranky and don't like each other and it could get better

Around kindergarten age. Long road ahead of misery or joint custody. Willing to work at this but don't see it from her end no matter what she says she will work on though actual change has never really surfaced in the past. Feel stupid I couldn't foresee this and feel like I'm screwed either way.

Does she SAH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess you have been married 7-9 years? Those are rough stages...it gets better. Commit yourself to SERIOUSLY working on it, every.single.day. and see where you are in 6 months.

Well I think in some cases, getting over that hump simply means accepting misery and moving on. Not exactly things getting better.

[Anonymous]

OP - If you don't get out soon, you may be so burned out and numbed that when you do get out that you'll have that "dead look" in your eyes.

See that in a lot of people in my building.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP change something. As your wife what she'd like you to do. Work on it everyday. See if there are results. Start cleaning the house more, take cooking lessons, pick up a hobby. You must have loved something about your wife to have married her. And you say that she is a good mother, so there's that to start form.

Sometimes everything isn't equal. Sometimes one partner needs to do more to keep the marriage working.

I agree with you and another PP, yet I feel like I am the one pulling all the weight most of the time be it cleaning and cooking to trying to keep the marriage going. All that work and little or no positive reaction from her has only built up further resentment and reinforces the feeling that I have a roommate not a partner in life.