Trapped in a bad marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP change something. As your wife what she'd like you to do. Work on it everyday. See if there are results. Start cleaning the house more, take cooking lessons, pick up a hobby. You must have loved something about your wife to have married her. And you say that she is a good mother, so there's that to start form.

Sometimes everything isn't equal. Sometimes one partner needs to do more to keep the marriage working.

I agree with you and another PP, yet I feel like I am the one pulling all the weight most of the time be it cleaning and cooking to trying to keep the marriage going. All that work and little or no positive reaction from her has only built up further resentment and reinforces the feeling that I have a roommate not a partner in life.

Well what did you like about her to begin with? Serious question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP change something. As your wife what she'd like you to do. Work on it everyday. See if there are results. Start cleaning the house more, take cooking lessons, pick up a hobby. You must have loved something about your wife to have married her. And you say that she is a good mother, so there's that to start form.

Sometimes everything isn't equal. Sometimes one partner needs to do more to keep the marriage working.

I agree with you and another PP, yet I feel like I am the one pulling all the weight most of the time be it cleaning and cooking to trying to keep the marriage going. All that work and little or no positive reaction from her has only built up further resentment and reinforces the feeling that I have a roommate not a partner in life.

Well what did you like about her to begin with? Serious question.

Its tough to answer with all the negativity life with her has become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP change something. As your wife what she'd like you to do. Work on it everyday. See if there are results. Start cleaning the house more, take cooking lessons, pick up a hobby. You must have loved something about your wife to have married her. And you say that she is a good mother, so there's that to start form.

Sometimes everything isn't equal. Sometimes one partner needs to do more to keep the marriage working.

I agree with you and another PP, yet I feel like I am the one pulling all the weight most of the time be it cleaning and cooking to trying to keep the marriage going. All that work and little or no positive reaction from her has only built up further resentment and reinforces the feeling that I have a roommate not a partner in life.

Well what did you like about her to begin with? Serious question.

Its tough to answer with all the negativity life with her has become.

Try to remember. You are too focused on the negativity. The next time she annoys you, take a deep breath and think about something good she did that day. She made dinner, did some laundry, gave the kids a bath....whatever it is, focus on that. Do an internal narrative, "she made dinner. That's one less thing I have to do. I appreciate her for that."

You can always step out of the routine too. Leave the kids with the grandparents and go on vacation. Try anything to remember why you married her.

[Anonymous]

maybe let's start with a slightly different approach but keeping on the positive stance like the other PP mentioned.

what attracted you to her in the first place?
what made you want to date her?
what made you want to get serious/exclusive with her?
what made you want to marry her?

[Anonymous]

This was us 7 months ago. Divorce is around the corner for me. He decided not to let me know any of his concerns, just kept on thinking about it and not doing anything about it until he found a new woman. For your sake, and hers, have a serious talk before you actually make an awful mistake. Tell her that you are seriously considering divorce if you don't see some changes. Don't be the coward that stays until he finds his "greener grass" because that will just make it worse. Right now I hate my STBX for what he did and say to make himself feel better. If he had talked to me about his feelings before he found himself another woman, maybe our relationship and co-parenting wouldn't be so awful. But if you choose to stay then make the commitment to try and make it work and know that most relationships could be saved if only one of you spoke sooner.

[Anonymous]

I wonder what she'd say about you and how annoying you are?

[Anonymous]

No one is trapped in a bad marriage. If you have keys, a vehicle, money, you are not trapped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was us 7 months ago. Divorce is around the corner for me. He decided not to let me know any of his concerns, just kept on thinking about it and not doing anything about it until he found a new woman. For your sake, and hers, have a serious talk before you actually make an awful mistake. Tell her that you are seriously considering divorce if you don't see some changes. Don't be the coward that stays until he finds his "greener grass" because that will just make it worse. Right now I hate my STBX for what he did and say to make himself feel better. If he had talked to me about his feelings before he found himself another woman, maybe our relationship and co-parenting wouldn't be so awful. But if you choose to stay then make the commitment to try and make it work and know that most relationships could be saved if only one of you spoke sooner.

couldn't have said this better myself - except roles were reversed in my case. my exW and I get along well enough (can be better) but had she told me what was making her unhappy, instead of having an emotional affair (and now full relationship) with her coworker, I would have moved heaven and earth to make things happen.

instead, I get blind sided the day I get home from an overseas business trip - no warning shots, nothing her family knew about before hand. this all happened 2.5 years ago and it took a long time to get over. While I have forgiven her, and we are successfully co-parenting, I hate to say it but i do relish the fact that she sees me living a fantastic life and she complains to friends why DD is also gushing over dad!

[Anonymous]

OP, if you have kindergarten age children just ask yourself this: Can you imagine the first year that you drop them off at "her" house, or her parent's house, for Thanksgiving and then go off to do your own thing, whatever the hell that may be, realizing that this is a holiday you will never, ever get back with your kids? Or the first year that you miss Christmas morning with them, because it's not "your year."

I could put up with a hell of a lot for the next 12 years or so, just to avoid that nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you have kindergarten age children just ask yourself this: Can you imagine the first year that you drop them off at "her" house, or her parent's house, for Thanksgiving and then go off to do your own thing, whatever the hell that may be, realizing that this is a holiday you will never, ever get back with your kids? Or the first year that you miss Christmas morning with them, because it's not "your year."

I could put up with a hell of a lot for the next 12 years or so, just to avoid that nightmare.

so agree. I hate my marriage but I will not miss a holiday with my kids or have them with a step mother on easter, thanksgiving, christmas… we will stick it out for them.

[Anonymous]

hope for your sakes (17:52 and 18:12) your children grow up well adjusted and knowing that a real relationship is not about anger or bitterness, that abuse (in any form) is not acceptable and that they know how to love, trust and respect their eventual partners, S/Os, spouses.

wish you luck - you've chosen the path that's right for you - but it's not a path for many, perhaps the majority, to follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you have kindergarten age children just ask yourself this: Can you imagine the first year that you drop them off at "her" house, or her parent's house, for Thanksgiving and then go off to do your own thing, whatever the hell that may be, realizing that this is a holiday you will never, ever get back with your kids? Or the first year that you miss Christmas morning with them, because it's not "your year."

I could put up with a hell of a lot for the next 12 years or so, just to avoid that nightmare.

yup, because what matters is what you feel and perceive, not the best interest of your children. in 20 years, do you want to come back and say "oh, woe is me, I should have gotten out - now my children area all emotionally screwed up due my selfishness"?

[Anonymous]

sh*t. I could have written this.

Each day I felt I am just playing saint in order to meet other people's expectation of me. Sometimes I felt that I have to give up the notion of personal happiness for the sake of kids.

[Anonymous]

I only read your post and didnt read others. But basically you are summing up what I am now, maybe a bit better. Our child is only little over one. FML

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you have kindergarten age children just ask yourself this: Can you imagine the first year that you drop them off at "her" house, or her parent's house, for Thanksgiving and then go off to do your own thing, whatever the hell that may be, realizing that this is a holiday you will never, ever get back with your kids? Or the first year that you miss Christmas morning with them, because it's not "your year."

I could put up with a hell of a lot for the next 12 years or so, just to avoid that nightmare.

This is so true!!!

My relationship is not perfect and I definitely would not do it again knowing what I know now, but my kids completely overwhelm my decision to stick with it. I do not harbor bitterness, I have just accepted my choice and what it means. The joy I get from an intact household and family far out weights my desire for passion.