Trapped in a bad marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you have kindergarten age children just ask yourself this: Can you imagine the first year that you drop them off at "her" house, or her parent's house, for Thanksgiving and then go off to do your own thing, whatever the hell that may be, realizing that this is a holiday you will never, ever get back with your kids? Or the first year that you miss Christmas morning with them, because it's not "your year."

I could put up with a hell of a lot for the next 12 years or so, just to avoid that nightmare.

yup, because what matters is what you feel and perceive, not the best interest of your children. in 20 years, do you want to come back and say "oh, woe is me, I should have gotten out - now my children area all emotionally screwed up due my selfishness"?

You've got it completely backwards, as any child of divorce will tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:hope for your sakes (17:52 and 18:12) your children grow up well adjusted and knowing that a real relationship is not about anger or bitterness, that abuse (in any form) is not acceptable and that they know how to love, trust and respect their eventual partners, S/Os, spouses.

wish you luck - you've chosen the path that's right for you - but it's not a path for many, perhaps the majority, to follow.

17:52 here. I actually have a great marriage, thank you. I was just being hypothetical. No matter how bad things got (with the exception of abuse, adultery or substance addiction), I cannot imagine a scenario where I would put myself in a situation to ever be away from my kids. Being "unhappy" in a marriage is not reason enough to leave.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to do some serious individual therapy. This will bring a decision one day. Right now you are stuck, but later you will see how to proceed.
I have very similar feelings towards my H and am in therapy now (he won't go).

[Anonymous]

Op did not provide any specifics about his issue with his wife. Does she work fulltime and is also the primary caregiver of the kids? Is she overwhelmed with responsibility while he is not?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I were separated for over a year. He left when I was 9 months pregnant. It was devastatingly hard in the beginning being alone with my new born baby, and then heading back to work in a highly demanding profession after maternity leave. It was a vulnerable time for me but it was actually also the most peaceful year of our 5 year marriage. In the beginning I missed him terribly but time heals relationship wounds and I eventually got used to being on my own with our baby. He has recently returned and wants to make it work (not my choice). Since he has been back in my life I have been miserable, tired, overworked, overstressed, angry, and irritated by his very presence. What I'm trying to say is that you may be doing your wife a huge favor by walking away from your marriage. It's hard at first but there is a lot of peace in not dealing with an idiot on a daily basis. I won't lie, it always hurts being left. But you get used it and life turns out beautiful without a husband by your side. She'll be fine. And lots of kids grow up without a father and turn out okay.

[Anonymous]

Questions for OP, who could be my husband:
1. Does your wife work fulltime?

If so, then, what percentage do you:
1. cook for the kids (not you)?
2. pick up after the kids (not you)?
3. help with homework?
4. do family laundry?
5. read with the kids?
6. engage with your kids to help them develop?
8. participant in school activities?
9 review their school work and papers that get sent home every day?
10. pick up around the house?
11. clean?

Honestly, you could be my husband with whom I am also annoyed with because he treats me like the kids and house chores are 95% my responsibility and I work fulltime in a stressful job. To boot, all the kids health insurance is under my policy because he chooses to work for a small company that does not provide family health insurance, nor life insurance, nor disability, nor 401k, etc. He has opportunities to go elsewhere that has good benefits, but declines because he likes his hours and pay. Overall, my husband is very selfish. Wow, it felt great to vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess you have been married 7-9 years? Those are rough stages...it gets better. Commit yourself to SERIOUSLY working on it, every.single.day. and see where you are in 6 months.

Well I think in some cases, getting over that hump simply means accepting misery and moving on. Not exactly things getting better.

I don't know that this is really true. I think it's possible sometimes to just accept things as they are, take the good with the bad, and to stop expecting that this one person is going to meet all of your emotional needs. Once you stop putting that kind of pressure on the relationship, you can end up giving it the kind if room that it needs to flourish again. Strange but true.

[Anonymous]

These things are almost always about physical attractiveness and sex with men. What's the real problem here OP? Has your wife gained twenty lbs.? Stopped fixing herself up for you? Doesn't make an effort to let you know she still finds you physically attractive (perhaps she doesn't)?

I would bet serious money that if OP's wife was putting out more (say 2-3x a week) he wouldn't be writing in here for advice. It would be comedic if it wasn't so predictably banal and depressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sh*t. I could have written this.

Each day I felt I am just playing saint in order to meet other people's expectation of me. Sometimes I felt that I have to give up the notion of personal happiness for the sake of kids.

It's called being an adult. Most responsible people do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These things are almost always about physical attractiveness and sex with men. What's the real problem here OP? Has your wife gained twenty lbs.? Stopped fixing herself up for you? Doesn't make an effort to let you know she still finds you physically attractive (perhaps she doesn't)?

I would bet serious money that if OP's wife was putting out more (say 2-3x a week) he wouldn't be writing in here for advice. It would be comedic if it wasn't so predictably banal and depressing.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These things are almost always about physical attractiveness and sex with men. What's the real problem here OP? Has your wife gained twenty lbs.? Stopped fixing herself up for you? Doesn't make an effort to let you know she still finds you physically attractive (perhaps she doesn't)?

I would bet serious money that if OP's wife was putting out more (say 2-3x a week) he wouldn't be writing in here for advice. It would be comedic if it wasn't so predictably banal and depressing.

What's banal and depressing, the fact that the wife is holding out on him, or the fact that he's pissed about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These things are almost always about physical attractiveness and sex with men. What's the real problem here OP? Has your wife gained twenty lbs.? Stopped fixing herself up for you? Doesn't make an effort to let you know she still finds you physically attractive (perhaps she doesn't)?

I would bet serious money that if OP's wife was putting out more (say 2-3x a week) he wouldn't be writing in here for advice. It would be comedic if it wasn't so predictably banal and depressing.

What's banal and depressing, the fact that the wife is holding out on him, or the fact that he's pissed about it?

Because it's *always* about that with men. It's so cliched. And the corollary: if he's not getting it at home, he's going to start looking around to get it somewhere else. That's true too.

The OP has a list of complaints that may or may not be valid. Some are pretty serious (he occasionally thinks his wife is dumb??) and yet he still remembers to mention that they barely ever have sex and when they do, it's not particularly good. Guarantee that that's the problem. Like I said, if the OP's wife went to the effort of keeping herself fit and attractive and initiated more often (or maybe just said yes more often), the OP would suddenly be able to overlook his doubts about her intellect.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever read the Five Love Languages? There are some things you could do on your own to love your wife -- actively love her, not the emotion - that might result in her acting in a way that is less annoying to you.

At the very least, it may help you with your connection with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the OP is the one with issues and his wife has fallen out if love. he hasn't responded since the original post.p which is strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sh*t. I could have written this.

Each day I felt I am just playing saint in order to meet other people's expectation of me. Sometimes I felt that I have to give up the notion of personal happiness for the sake of kids.

It's called being an adult. Most responsible people do this.

Hmm. I dont know- this does not sound right.

Being an adult does mean being responsible.

Being responsible means thinking things through. Really, all the way through, and as many times as it takes for the situation to reveal a solution or approach.

There is no way it could possibly be good MOST of the time to give upon the notion of personal happiness for the sake of the children. In fact, what model is that going to be for those same children later in life?

I am struggling with this notion as well. I am actually more worried about what giving up on personal happiness will do to my daughter. I dont want her to make the kinds of compromises that I may end up making (and Im not at all sure I will be doing that- thus the debate). I dont think SHE should give up on personal happiness for another persons addictions and general inability to cope. I dont know how I am going to tell her the truth about her father- I dont know waht the truth will ultimately be.

So its really much more complicated than calling it "adult" and "responsible" to give up on personal happiness in a marriage for the sake of the kids. They can tell when something is wrong.