Past The Breaking Point?

[Anonymous]

We have had a difficult marriage for years. Like everything, it has its ebbs and flows. I go through periods of putting in a lot of effort, periods of not much effort, sometimes my efforts have results, sometimes they don't, and so on. He says he puts in efforts, too. Sometimes I don't see them. Sometimes I do.

He has a style of fighting where there is always something I could have done better. He will later claim he admitted fault and said sorry but he didn't. Or if he did admit he did something wrong it was, "I'm sorry, but here are the ten things you should do differently." He has anger issues and any issue I try to bring up is an attack on him. We have tried counseling without success. I did manage to make things better a couple of years ago, but now things are worse again. There is an underlying addiction issue as well, and the times things have been better have been when the addiction is at bay.

I have always said to myself that I would get out if either I thought it was hurting the kids to stay in or if staying was making me crazy. The kids do not see a lot of it, although they do see the anger sometimes, with increasing frequency as things get bad and less frequency when things are better.

Last night I asked him if we could spend time together. I am in one of my put in a lot of effort to see if it improves phases. He agreed but wanted to do his hobby in the basement, which he often does. He knows I like to go to bed at 10 during the week. So I went down shortly before ten and said I guess since it is almost 10 we weren't going to hang out. I told him I felt like I was married to a ghost that mysteriously appeared at certain times and disappeared into his hobby or his addiction (which he doesn't admit he has). He of course got defensive. He came upstairs to the kitchen and it was all about how if I had said what I said about being disappointed differently he would not have gotten mad. He also said my 10:00 bedtime was artifical and would not leave him enough time for his hobby. Then he said again if I had said it like x or y he would not have gotten mad.

All of the sudden I could not stop myself. I started screaming at the top of my lungs. I AM SORRY THAT I GO TO BED AT 10:00 AND I AM SORRY THAT I DID NOT USE THE RIGHT WORDS. The whole time I said this I was involuntarily hitting myself in the head - hard. Then I burst into tears and ran upstairs to my room.

I think I have hit it is making me crazy to stay. My head still hurts this morning. I wonder if anyone else has had a reaction like this and what you thought it meant.

[Anonymous]

you need to get to individual counseling - for your mental health and to ensure that the kids aren't seeing mom lose her shit.

maybe in a day or two - well after you are calm and collected - you'll need to have a very frank and direct conversation with your husband.

women are terrible about being direct - men don't read between the lines or understand your hidden code words and we take things literally. (my exW was never direct even though at the time she thought she was - only now 2 years later has she agreed she could have handled things differently - maybe same outcome - but much more open and plain spoken about what she wanted).

so tell him what's going on, where you are, where you see the marriage going (or not) and put it as plainly and as non-threatening to him as possible - his reaction/action (or lack thereof) will guide you to the next decision you need to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you need to get to individual counseling - for your mental health and to ensure that the kids aren't seeing mom lose her shit.

maybe in a day or two - well after you are calm and collected - you'll need to have a very frank and direct conversation with your husband.

women are terrible about being direct - men don't read between the lines or understand your hidden code words and we take things literally. (my exW was never direct even though at the time she thought she was - only now 2 years later has she agreed she could have handled things differently - maybe same outcome - but much more open and plain spoken about what she wanted).

so tell him what's going on, where you are, where you see the marriage going (or not) and put it as plainly and as non-threatening to him as possible - his reaction/action (or lack thereof) will guide you to the next decision you need to make.

I agree with this. But I also think that if you want to spend time with him, you could have gone down at 8 and said, I'm going to bed at 10, why don't we spend some time together now? Instead of stewing until 10. And it is also some time for self reflection. There is a lot directed at your husband (understandable) but how DO you talk to him? Anyways, I'd suggest calling a psychologist today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with this. But I also think that if you want to spend time with him, you could have gone down at 8 and said, I'm going to bed at 10, why don't we spend some time together now? Instead of stewing until 10. And it is also some time for self reflection. There is a lot directed at your husband (understandable) but how DO you talk to him? Anyways, I'd suggest calling a psychologist today.

I can't do that. He does his hobby until 10 or later at least three nights a week. I thought since I called at work and asked him ahead of time maybe he would get done earlier. I was hopeful because I put a lot of effort into initiating sex this weekend.

The slot he has allowed for us to spend time together during the week is Tuesday 9:30-11. The weekends are unscheduled, so then there is tension over that as well as we try to negotiate that, except for Saturday night from 9-11. He put the Tuesday and the Saturday on the calendar as sex dates and I said we had to spend time together first so he agreed to make them longer so that we could watch TV or talk or whatever first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with this. But I also think that if you want to spend time with him, you could have gone down at 8 and said, I'm going to bed at 10, why don't we spend some time together now? Instead of stewing until 10. And it is also some time for self reflection. There is a lot directed at your husband (understandable) but how DO you talk to him? Anyways, I'd suggest calling a psychologist today.

I can't do that. He does his hobby until 10 or later at least three nights a week. I thought since I called at work and asked him ahead of time maybe he would get done earlier. I was hopeful because I put a lot of effort into initiating sex this weekend.

The slot he has allowed for us to spend time together during the week is Tuesday 9:30-11. The weekends are unscheduled, so then there is tension over that as well as we try to negotiate that, except for Saturday night from 9-11. He put the Tuesday and the Saturday on the calendar as sex dates and I said we had to spend time together first so he agreed to make them longer so that we could watch TV or talk or whatever first.

That is not normal-- at ALL. Please get individual counseling. I'm sure others on here can recommend someone in your area who is good. You need an objective person to talk to. Please do this for yourself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with this. But I also think that if you want to spend time with him, you could have gone down at 8 and said, I'm going to bed at 10, why don't we spend some time together now? Instead of stewing until 10. And it is also some time for self reflection. There is a lot directed at your husband (understandable) but how DO you talk to him? Anyways, I'd suggest calling a psychologist today.

I can't do that. He does his hobby until 10 or later at least three nights a week. I thought since I called at work and asked him ahead of time maybe he would get done earlier. I was hopeful because I put a lot of effort into initiating sex this weekend.

The slot he has allowed for us to spend time together during the week is Tuesday 9:30-11. The weekends are unscheduled, so then there is tension over that as well as we try to negotiate that, except for Saturday night from 9-11. He put the Tuesday and the Saturday on the calendar as sex dates and I said we had to spend time together first so he agreed to make them longer so that we could watch TV or talk or whatever first.

That is not normal-- at ALL. Please get individual counseling. I'm sure others on here can recommend someone in your area who is good. You need an objective person to talk to. Please do this for yourself!

I agree. He should want to spend more time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have had a difficult marriage for years. Like everything, it has its ebbs and flows. I go through periods of putting in a lot of effort, periods of not much effort, sometimes my efforts have results, sometimes they don't, and so on. He says he puts in efforts, too. Sometimes I don't see them. Sometimes I do.

He has a style of fighting where there is always something I could have done better. He will later claim he admitted fault and said sorry but he didn't. Or if he did admit he did something wrong it was, "I'm sorry, but here are the ten things you should do differently." He has anger issues and any issue I try to bring up is an attack on him. We have tried counseling without success. I did manage to make things better a couple of years ago, but now things are worse again. There is an underlying addiction issue as well, and the times things have been better have been when the addiction is at bay.

I have always said to myself that I would get out if either I thought it was hurting the kids to stay in or if staying was making me crazy. The kids do not see a lot of it, although they do see the anger sometimes, with increasing frequency as things get bad and less frequency when things are better.

Last night I asked him if we could spend time together. I am in one of my put in a lot of effort to see if it improves phases. He agreed but wanted to do his hobby in the basement, which he often does. He knows I like to go to bed at 10 during the week. So I went down shortly before ten and said I guess since it is almost 10 we weren't going to hang out. I told him I felt like I was married to a ghost that mysteriously appeared at certain times and disappeared into his hobby or his addiction (which he doesn't admit he has). He of course got defensive. He came upstairs to the kitchen and it was all about how if I had said what I said about being disappointed differently he would not have gotten mad. He also said my 10:00 bedtime was artifical and would not leave him enough time for his hobby. Then he said again if I had said it like x or y he would not have gotten mad.

All of the sudden I could not stop myself. I started screaming at the top of my lungs. I AM SORRY THAT I GO TO BED AT 10:00 AND I AM SORRY THAT I DID NOT USE THE RIGHT WORDS. The whole time I said this I was involuntarily hitting myself in the head - hard. Then I burst into tears and ran upstairs to my room.

I think I have hit it is making me crazy to stay. My head still hurts this morning. I wonder if anyone else has had a reaction like this and what you thought it meant.

Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Sorry just reread. You do have kids. Get away from each other. Go into therapy if you want but I'd give it time. Without him in your life like this you'll probably be fine

[Anonymous]

What is this hobby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is this hobby?

Working out, stretching, strength training, aerobic exercise, etc. He reads about it all the time, too. He says he needs it for stress relief.

I called my doc and he said this kind of reaction is normal that people will do something uncontrollable while they are yelling when they are finally getting everything out. Interesting that I was saying what I didn't mean, but he thinks the same thing applies. My head still hurts and I still feel like throwing up but at least I know I am not crazy and five minutes away from a psychic break. I was really scared.

The doc said to me that I'm strong and can get through this and he was not worried. Part of me wanted to say, "One of these days I am going to break and you'll never see it coming." But I didn't say it. I have to keep pushing forward for my kids if i can. If I can't, I have to see that, too.

[Anonymous]

So how many hours a week when you are both home does he devote to working out /exercise etc?

Is that something you could do with him at all?

[Anonymous]

Is exercise the addiction you mentioned OP? If not, it needs to be added to the list. How many hours per week does he exercise? This is not normal behavior? Also, do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Um, what is the addiction you are speaking of? This is HUGE. Whatever it is, it is a crutch and and escape and you can't, CANNOT work on a marriage until this gets worked on. No exceptions to this.

[Anonymous]

No, he has alcohol issues. His sister was anorexic in high school. I'm starting to wonder if he is getting that, too. He gets home late so he works out at least two hours on his "heavy workout nights" and at least 1 hour on the light nights, then two hours one weekend day. Sometimes a short workout on the other weekend day and sometimes not. He used to take Fridays off but I am not sure if he still does or does that as a light night. Sometimes he goes away on Saturdays to train with a coach on his strength training. No, the coach is not a woman.

[Anonymous]

Can you hang out and talk to him while he works out? My dh is annoying about his work outs too but not to that extent. He is also a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for 9 years. I personally think there is not enough time in the day to work, be with your family as a family, be with your wife as a wife, do hobbies, run errands, be social. Life is so hectic but even on the weeks we don't see each other much, I never feel bad because I understand the cycle and know I'm number one. Your dh is not making you feel like a priority and that needs to be addressed. Does he spend time with you and the kids as a family or does he ignore them?