How to help sister (without losing my mind)

[Anonymous]

Long story short(ish):

My sister was married for 7 years to a decent guy. Two children. He came home one day and told her he wasn't happy. They split (youngest was 5mos old at this point). My parents completely picked up the pieces - financially, emotionally, etc. Between my parents contributions (well-off but certainly not as well-off as the money they were bleeding to her every month) and child/spousal support, my sister was able to stay in her home and not have to work FOR THREE YEARS. My sister found a boyfriend on match.com, things were good for almost two years. My parents get tired of raising her children/paying mortgages while she continued to rack up debt on clothes/toys/parties. They reduce their funding- she gets a job (7 years after becoming a SAH). Things go sour with boyfriend b/c she cheats on him with a co-worker. She goes back on match.com - meets a legit millionaire. Things are good, other than he's a total condescending prick. She is living the life- two country club memberships, huge house, 3 carat ring, the works. They break up in July. He offers her a "severance" package- luxury SUV title in her name, paid camps for the kids for the remainder of the summer, a year's salary (90k) to do nothing and 6 months health insurance. Then- they get back together.

Shiz just hits the fan again- she's been texting an ex-boyfriend and he's been googling some questionable adult material. Here's the real issue: I resent her. To hell and back. I'm ten years younger (28), settled with a decent job and good marriage. I have a toddler who is awesome. We live in a small house in a good neighborhood. When things were going well with Mr. Money, she rarely had time for me other than to complain about having to find her bathing suits in the back of her closet b/c of her latest trip to the Carribean. Now, she's calling me constantly, crying, etc. Where will she live? She doesn't want to get a job! I DON'T UNDERSTAND. After three years of rebuilding her life she CAN'T go through this again.

I told her she needs to get herself together. When this happened back in July (over the holiday weekend), we rushed 3 hours south and helped out with her kids while she lay in bed in an anxiety med zombie state. She lived with my parents and the strain it put on the two of them was awful- my parents ended up basically doing everything for her sweet kiddos. She keeps crying about how awful this is- I get it. She doesn't have a job, a source of income, ANYTHING that's hers. She and her children (now 8 and 4) have quickly become used to this lifestyle. I told her I love her and support her but that this time around I can't rush down to play with her kids, I can't reserve every other weekend (when her kids are with their dad) for her, I can't listen to my Mom cry and my Dad can't pay for everything for her while she takes her time getting a job. She screamed at me about how perfect my life is and that was the last straw. My husband and I work hard, live VERY modestly and have had our fair share of troubles lately- mainly in the form of a late missed miscarriage 2 weeks ago that has completely devestated me. She sent me a Sephora gift box of bubble bath to express her condolences. I'm mad- my parents have spent the last 3 years taking care of her and I had just gotten back to a good place with them- they live about a half hour apart from my sister and because they spent so much time devoted to her kids, they didn't spend much time caring about my wedding, spending time with my DD, etc.

Is tough love the answer? Do I completely cut her off? I can't stand to think of that, but I have a lot going on right now and this is the result of her making POOR CHOICES AGAIN. I just can't handle her moaning and groaning. I feel awful and want to help but it feels like I just spend my time picking up her pieces and then listening to my parents hurt and hurt and hurt for her. I just don't know how to help her without losing my DAMN MIND. Thoughts?!

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a complete disaster. I would be frustrated too at both her and your parents who enable her infantile behavior.

I have no suggestions, I have two siblings and we are all very independent. I think we would rather lay down in a gutter and die than to take a hand out. I'm not sure how I would react, but for sure I would be extremely irritated just like you.

[Anonymous]

I see two possibilities. Either your sister is mentally ill and needs professional (possibly medicinal) intervention, or she's a horribly selfish jackass. Help her figure out which one she is, and then either get her the help she needs or stay the hell away from her.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. If you cut her off, I understand that decision, but please do it only if its because you simply can't deal with her anymore. Don't do it under the belief that it is "tough love" and that you can somehow change her into a competent sister or human being through punishing her. If that's your motivation, she will be furious and you will be disappointed.

[Anonymous]

I'm of the school that family sticks together - but that doesn't mean you have to be the doormat.

She needs serious therapy and counseling and she has to be told in no uncertain terms that she has to find a job and support herself and her two kids. the problem is that if she doesn't want to change, herself, she'll never listen to you - so an independent voice might be what's needed for her to listen and to take action.

you (and your folks) need to draw the hard line - be there when you can (not when she asks) for emotional support. but even that, I'd be very cautious b/c you can get sucked into her black hole of a life again.

very sorry for you OP.

[Anonymous]

If your husband dies or abandons you, will you be able to raise and support your family with no family support, either emotional or financial?

You work hard but you are also very lucky. Don't be so smug a out your own success in life.

[Anonymous]

13:33- Yeah, I'm SUPER smug about my life. You know, the awesome luxury house, the country clubs, the exotic trips. Oh wait, that is my sister who couldn't be bothered with me until it all crashes and burns. It's not that I'm SMUG about my life it's just that I'm tired of having to pick up all her pieces, get her back to normal and then just seemingly wait to repeat the process. I love her dearly and WANT to support her but I resent the emotional/financial distress she causes our family. My heart breaks for my niece and nephew who are going through this... AGAIN. I want to help her in a way that doesn't completely over my OWN priorities. If that makes me smug, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Clearly she needs help. And that help can only come when your parents stop supporting her. She has to come out of it on her own, to really understand what it takes to earn your living and be grateful for what she has. She's done it before, so she can do it again.

Your parents need to stop enabling her. Can you have a talk with them? At the very least you need to be crystal clear with them that their retirement needs to be fully funded and everything budgeted before they give your sister the least little penny. You and the grandparents also have to draw strict conditions for financial help: if she finds a job, she can receive limited babysitting, help with summer camps for her children, etc. Otherwise, nothing.

If your parents cannot stop, then the best you can do is disengage entirely. Don't be childish and disown anyone - but contact them only for important holidays and birthdays if that) and let the day-to-day drama go to voicemail.

[Anonymous]

13:43- OP here. Thank you. I wasn't looking to "disown" anyone but you are right- help where I can, disengage if I have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short(ish):

My sister was married for 7 years to a decent guy. Two children. He came home one day and told her he wasn't happy. They split (youngest was 5mos old at this point). My parents completely picked up the pieces - financially, emotionally, etc. Between my parents contributions (well-off but certainly not as well-off as the money they were bleeding to her every month) and child/spousal support, my sister was able to stay in her home and not have to work FOR THREE YEARS. My sister found a boyfriend on match.com, things were good for almost two years. My parents get tired of raising her children/paying mortgages while she continued to rack up debt on clothes/toys/parties. They reduce their funding- she gets a job (7 years after becoming a SAH). Things go sour with boyfriend b/c she cheats on him with a co-worker. She goes back on match.com - meets a legit millionaire. Things are good, other than he's a total condescending prick. She is living the life- two country club memberships, huge house, 3 carat ring, the works. They break up in July. He offers her a "severance" package- luxury SUV title in her name, paid camps for the kids for the remainder of the summer, a year's salary (90k) to do nothing and 6 months health insurance. Then- they get back together.

Shiz just hits the fan again- she's been texting an ex-boyfriend and he's been googling some questionable adult material. Here's the real issue: I resent her. To hell and back. I'm ten years younger (28), settled with a decent job and good marriage. I have a toddler who is awesome. We live in a small house in a good neighborhood. When things were going well with Mr. Money, she rarely had time for me other than to complain about having to find her bathing suits in the back of her closet b/c of her latest trip to the Carribean. Now, she's calling me constantly, crying, etc. Where will she live? She doesn't want to get a job! I DON'T UNDERSTAND. After three years of rebuilding her life she CAN'T go through this again.

I told her she needs to get herself together. When this happened back in July (over the holiday weekend), we rushed 3 hours south and helped out with her kids while she lay in bed in an anxiety med zombie state. She lived with my parents and the strain it put on the two of them was awful- my parents ended up basically doing everything for her sweet kiddos. She keeps crying about how awful this is- I get it. She doesn't have a job, a source of income, ANYTHING that's hers. She and her children (now 8 and 4) have quickly become used to this lifestyle. I told her I love her and support her but that this time around I can't rush down to play with her kids, I can't reserve every other weekend (when her kids are with their dad) for her, I can't listen to my Mom cry and my Dad can't pay for everything for her while she takes her time getting a job. She screamed at me about how perfect my life is and that was the last straw. My husband and I work hard, live VERY modestly and have had our fair share of troubles lately- mainly in the form of a late missed miscarriage 2 weeks ago that has completely devestated me. She sent me a Sephora gift box of bubble bath to express her condolences. I'm mad- my parents have spent the last 3 years taking care of her and I had just gotten back to a good place with them- they live about a half hour apart from my sister and because they spent so much time devoted to her kids, they didn't spend much time caring about my wedding, spending time with my DD, etc.

Is tough love the answer? Do I completely cut her off? I can't stand to think of that, but I have a lot going on right now and this is the result of her making POOR CHOICES AGAIN. I just can't handle her moaning and groaning. I feel awful and want to help but it feels like I just spend my time picking up her pieces and then listening to my parents hurt and hurt and hurt for her. I just don't know how to help her without losing my DAMN MIND. Thoughts?!

I don't see a reason to cut her off completely or engage her in some deep conversation about your relationship. The truth is, you don't have time to deal with her on a very intense basis so You should just tailor your behavior accordingly. When you want to talk to her, see her kids, etc, do it, when not, ignore her calls. I had somewhat of a similar problem with my own much older sister (we are very close) though nowhere close in scale (also, my sister has no real problems). She would call and email me incessantly with her own minor problems, and then brush off everything I wanted to talk about (i.e. she would bitch for days about some minor issue at work, then be totally blase that I was laid off). I had to scale down our correspondence but there were no big arguments about it; i wouldnt return every call and would let emails sit for a day or two before replying. I pretty much didn't say anything to I am still somewhat bitter but at least I don't feel exploited.

[Anonymous]

Tell her if she wants the money then she maybe she just needs to look the other way regarding her current BF. That's it. No other advice. You know all your sister wants is money.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have some very similar dynamics w/ my sister and it is an ongoing struggle for me to manage what I feel I should/could/would do with what I actually can do and what it good for me and my immediate family. Those things are usually at odds.

FWIW, my two cents is that your basic question (how to help her without losing your mind) is flawed. The truth is that you know now, from previous experience, that you cannot substantively help her. Her life is a study in ongoing patterns - not a one time crisis that you can get her through. Whatever her crisis this year or month, there will be another one coming down the pike that will feel horrifyingly similar to you.

The question I'd suggest you ask is "What can I do that's good for me?" That allows you to consider what is best for you emotionally and what is best for who you need/want to be for your family, in addition to anything you might actually be able to do for your sister that might make a difference. You can factor is what would allow you to feel like you are showing care and support for your sister, while also allowing you to be the mother/wife/aunt/individual you want to be.

I know exactly the heartbreak of watching your niece/nephew suffer as a result of parental drama/incompetence. It is awful, and the worst part is that you can't actually save the child from that. But you can set a different example with your family, you can be a calm and stable refuge, you can be a loving aunt who focuses on them when their mother is utterly self-absorbed.

My sympathies. Good luck. Try to put yourself and your own best interests MUCH higher on the totem pole - what is best for you will also be what is best for your nuclear family and they have to come first.

[Anonymous]

I think ** you *** need to get it together and stop having to be a rescuer and the "good" daughter.

There was no true emergency that necessitated you going 3 hours on the spur of the moment to watch your sister be depressed. Except that it made you feel important and needed and reinforced you as the "good" daughter in your parent's mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think ** you *** need to get it together and stop having to be a rescuer and the "good" daughter.

There was no true emergency that necessitated you going 3 hours on the spur of the moment to watch your sister be depressed. Except that it made you feel important and needed and reinforced you as the "good" daughter in your parent's mind.

This is kind of mean. You don't sound like someone who has experience with these family dynamics and how challenging it can be.

Also, the OP just had a miscarriage FCOL. Give her a break.

[Anonymous]

You can not help someone to your own detriment, except young kids.

Take care of yourself. Rally your parents. Rally your friends. Accept your sister is not someone you can lean on. Stop comparing how much you get to how much she gets from your parents. Take pride in your self-sufficientness.

I am very sorry for your loss. I would have sent you a better gift from Sephora than just bubble bath.