detachment

[Anonymous]

My DH does not touch me, does not kiss me, is not interested in things important to me. Today I wanted to discuss a job offer and he just fell asleep after staring at TV. Wtf? He never gives me the support I need when it matters.

We've been together for 15 years. Is it time for divorce?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried counseling/therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried counseling/therapy?

no

[Anonymous]

You need to try this first - if he doesn't want to try, to acknowledge there's a problem, to make the effort to save the marriage, then you have a different path to take.

[Anonymous]

And if he does go to therapy, keep in mind, and be prepared to hear things from him about how he feels he's neglected or how you don't give him what he needs - that he doesn't feel,over by you. He probably has it all bottled up inside.

b/c it sounds like there's been a breakdown in communication and it has carried over into the bedroom

[Anonymous]

Has he always been like this?
Was he like this before you got married?

Because seriously, if you've been dealing with this for 15 years, he's unlikely to change now.

If this is new... is he depressed? Is something happening outside of your marriage that he's embarrassed to tell you about, like a work failure? Is he having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Falling asleep when talking about a job offer? That's way more serious IMO than simple sexual disinterest, which could be traced to low T, or any number of other physiological issues (or you at least need to rule them out).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Falling asleep when talking about a job offer? That's way more serious IMO than simple sexual disinterest, which could be traced to low T, or any number of other physiological issues (or you at least need to rule them out).

Seriously?
If you start a conversation when someone is half-sleep, or when you know they are winding down....welll
and she said she wanted to talk...she never said she TOLD HIM she wanted to talk
big difference

[Anonymous]

Since you have fifteen yrs. invested in this man and this marriage, I wouldn't just throw it away so quickly.

Can you try to have a heart-to-heart w/him? Are there certain times that he does actually give you attention? If so, take advantage of those and utilize those moments and let him know how you feel.

If not, would he be willing to try counseling?
Or perhaps, you could go to individual counseling for yourself and talk to someone about your marriage and what you should do.

If none of these options work out, then the truth may be that yes, it may be time to part ways.

[Anonymous]

OP's post could have described my husband.

The falling asleep while watching TV (even a movie at a movie theater), typical. It's to the point I will not let him drive after 8pm. I think he has sleep issues.

Before jumping off the deep end, try talking to him in the morning or set aside time to talk about important stuff over breakfast or dinner. He should care about a job offer you are considering. He might not have been in the right frame of mind when you approached him last night so he wasn't paying attention. Not because he didn't care but because he was distracted and tired.

It sounds like you need more one on one time. Just schedule it early enough that it is before he is winding down or at a time you both can wind down together. Sitting down daily to breakfast and dinner opens up time to communicate. Turn off the TV if you need to discuss something important so his attention is directed at you. Discuss things before his clock out time (for my husband, I seriously cannot have a discussion after 8pm because he wouldn't remember what was said).

Things are different as you grow older together. At 15 years end, you have to work at keeping the romance alive and work at making each other a priority. Sometimes that means one spouse takes the lead and the other one follows. Start by giving each other hugs in the morning before going to work and good night kisses before going to bed. A little touching everyday helps to keep the connection alive and leads to more intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH does not touch me, does not kiss me, is not interested in things important to me. Today I wanted to discuss a job offer and he just fell asleep after staring at TV. Wtf? He never gives me the support I need when it matters.

We've been together for 15 years. Is it time for divorce?

When did you start rebuffing his overtures for sex?

[Anonymous]

Male here.

I'm going to honest and cop to this behavior with my own DW. I'm not proud of it, and I don't intend to be mean. But there are several things that seem to cause it. I don't know if you do these same things, but it's worth asking yourself.

1) I'm a morning person. I am usually up before 6, when I do certain chores (clean bathrooms, kitchens, anything else that's relatively quiet). I also run the morning show with the kids -- make lunches, get them off to school. Then I go to work. Then when I come home, I help with homework, otherwise engage kids. DW is a night person. She often expects me to put in hours doing housework, talk, or whatever. But by then I'm usually tired and my brain needs to shut off. So it shuts off.

2) My DW talks AT me, not TO me. She takes 30 minutes to communicate something that could be told in 5 minutes. Oftentimes she begins by telling me how she feels about something that happened before telling me what has happened. And usually, that feeling is annoyance, anger, or some other extreme reaction. Frankly, the negativity is stressful to hear over and over and over again, especially when I think she's overreacting. She seems to find conflict in so many interactions with others, so after hearing this over and over again I can't help but thinking she is the common denominator. But I can't really point that out, can I?

3) Nearly everything my DW wants to talk about ends up being about money. Even after I have said there's no money in the budget for the blinds she wants because we just did X, Y, and Z, she still tries to find a way to persuade me to spend it. Usually this involves saying she'll spend "her" money (we don't have separate accounts). But constantly being pressed to spend, spend, spend is stressful and I shut down.

4) When she asks for my opinion and I do give it and it's not what she wants to hear, I get an earful. So, I've learned to just listen and nod... But, then, it's 30 minutes of listening to her talk when she could get her point across in 5. She will literally ask me, "can I talk to you for 2 minutes?" and then sit down and yap for 30 minutes.

So, those are the some of the reasons we have a similar dynamic in our house.

[Anonymous]

LOL - My parents have been married 45 years and my dad was just complaining about my mom wanting to talk about things at bedtime. As he said, "Once its 9:00, my mind just doesn't want to listen." So yeah, having an agreement about when to discuss things is a start. And if your DH is regularly falling asleep in front of the TV, then address that - it is not a good sleep habit and probably indicates that he's drinking too much or not getting enough sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH does not touch me, does not kiss me, is not interested in things important to me. Today I wanted to discuss a job offer and he just fell asleep after staring at TV. Wtf? He never gives me the support I need when it matters.

We've been together for 15 years. Is it time for divorce?

When did you start rebuffing his overtures for sex?

For realz.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Male here.

I'm going to honest and cop to this behavior with my own DW. I'm not proud of it, and I don't intend to be mean. But there are several things that seem to cause it. I don't know if you do these same things, but it's worth asking yourself.

1) I'm a morning person. I am usually up before 6, when I do certain chores (clean bathrooms, kitchens, anything else that's relatively quiet). I also run the morning show with the kids -- make lunches, get them off to school. Then I go to work. Then when I come home, I help with homework, otherwise engage kids. DW is a night person. She often expects me to put in hours doing housework, talk, or whatever. But by then I'm usually tired and my brain needs to shut off. So it shuts off.

2) My DW talks AT me, not TO me. She takes 30 minutes to communicate something that could be told in 5 minutes. Oftentimes she begins by telling me how she feels about something that happened before telling me what has happened. And usually, that feeling is annoyance, anger, or some other extreme reaction. Frankly, the negativity is stressful to hear over and over and over again, especially when I think she's overreacting. She seems to find conflict in so many interactions with others, so after hearing this over and over again I can't help but thinking she is the common denominator. But I can't really point that out, can I?

3) Nearly everything my DW wants to talk about ends up being about money. Even after I have said there's no money in the budget for the blinds she wants because we just did X, Y, and Z, she still tries to find a way to persuade me to spend it. Usually this involves saying she'll spend "her" money (we don't have separate accounts). But constantly being pressed to spend, spend, spend is stressful and I shut down.

4) When she asks for my opinion and I do give it and it's not what she wants to hear, I get an earful. So, I've learned to just listen and nod... But, then, it's 30 minutes of listening to her talk when she could get her point across in 5. She will literally ask me, "can I talk to you for 2 minutes?" and then sit down and yap for 30 minutes.

So, those are the some of the reasons we have a similar dynamic in our house.

PP -

You are the epitome of a passive aggressive person. If you feel this negative about your relationship and the things your wife does, why don't you attempt to fix it? If you need a third party to be a referee, try marriage counseling. It sounds like you both are unhappy about aspects in your marriage and there may be some helpful suggestions a marriage counselor can give the both of you to improve communication. You can either continue to be miserable or do something to fix things.