Gaslighting-lite?

[Anonymous]

Found this article on another thread today and found it very interesting:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html?ref=tw&utm_source=buffer&utm_campaign=Buffer&utm_content=bufferc237f&utm_medium=facebook

I was familiar with the term gaslighting before but have never paid it much thought. I've recently spent a lot of time pondering my relationship with my boyfriend, wondering why we so often have communication breakdowns and end up completely stonewalling each other over stupid issues. Reading this article this morning, I had a lightbulb moment.

So often, when we fight, I don't even know why I'm mad. I feel angry and unacknowledged, but also irrational and out of control in a way I've never felt before. I feel like a bird beating against a window trying to get out. I've never been able to figure out why, but reading this article I started to wonder if my boyfriend emotionally manipulates me when we fight (gaslighting-lite, if you will, because I don't believe his intentions are bad).

I almost cried reading this part of the article because it so clearly articulates that out of control, unacknowledged feeling I have that I have never been able to put my finger on before:

Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: It renders some women emotionally mute.

These women aren't able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. ...

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, "Forget it, it's okay."

That "forget it" isn't just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It's heartbreaking.

No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.

They say, "I'm sorry," before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.

You know how it looks: "You're late "

These are the same women who stay in relationships they don't belong in, who don't follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.

I also posted about a month ago about my birthday (and for anybody who remembers that, I still feel like a brat for even having that issue, but I digress..) - he promised me a gift multiple times (weeks before my birthday, the morning of, days after when realizing I was upset) and it just never happened. This is a favourite trick of his: promising something nice for me and never following through on it. I then feel like a greedy bitch when I bring it up, and he makes me feel guilty for expecting it.

You can probably tell that I'm really struggling to articulate my feelings about all this. I'm not accusing my boyfriend of being emotionally abusive - we both struggle with talking about our feelings but also both actively work on trying to communicate better, and 99% of the time he is the one encouraging me to talk and open up. But I find it hard with him, in part because sometimes when I open up he turns it around and guilts me for expressing my feelings or having them in the first place. I know his fear is that if we fight we'll break up, based on his own experiences before he met me with his parents/ex girlfriends. Whereas I would rather let things simmer for as long as I can, hash it all out in one emotional night, and then let it go.

I guess I'm just looking for advice or commiseration or suggestions on how to take this (potential?) revelation and turn it in to something productive to help us continue to work on our relationship. I wish I could just email him this article and say "this is how I feel!" but I don't feel like I could handle the discussion that would follow after that, where he would feel like I was accusing him. I know this was very long, so TIA for reading!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm really sorry that your boyfriend makes promises and doesn't follow through on them. That sucks. People who do that are a real disappointment in a relationship.

But gaslighting is a term with a very specific meaning. It has nothing to do with what you are describing. It means making someone think they are crazy for thinking something happened. Watch the movie "Gaslight."

If your boyfriend told you that you were crazy for thinking he had promised you a gift, or that he had never told you that in the first place, that would be gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Life is too short - ditch the BF. Why put up with it?

[Anonymous]

My advice is that you break up with him, and then find a good therapist. I think he doesn't make you happy, and in fact makes you sad and confused. I suggested therapy because it sounds like you have a few things that it would be helpful to sort out with someone who is impartial, a little older and a little wiser.

[Anonymous]

This relationship sounds like a lot of work. Honestly, most of the couples I know that had relationships that were "hard work" before marriage and kids didn't make it. I feel like before you own stuff together, before you're married, before kids - those should be the easy times. It shouldn't be so hard. It shouldn't feel like so much work. If it does, either one of you has issues or the two of you are possibly not that compatible. Is it possible that you stay with him because you dislike the idea of being by yourself?

the time to get out would be now, before someone gets pregnant. Because then you're stuck with him being in your life forever, and kids generally don't improve a relationship that's already not great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This relationship sounds like a lot of work. Honestly, most of the couples I know that had relationships that were "hard work" before marriage and kids didn't make it. I feel like before you own stuff together, before you're married, before kids - those should be the easy times. It shouldn't be so hard. It shouldn't feel like so much work. If it does, either one of you has issues or the two of you are possibly not that compatible. Is it possible that you stay with him because you dislike the idea of being by yourself?

the time to get out would be now, before someone gets pregnant. Because then you're stuck with him being in your life forever, and kids generally don't improve a relationship that's already not great.

+1
There should be no hard work involved in a bf/gf relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP - this is part of the text you said really spoke to you:

These women aren't able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. ...

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, "Forget it, it's okay."

That "forget it" isn't just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It's heartbreaking.

No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.

They say, "I'm sorry," before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.


You then go on to try to figure out ways to not blame your boyfriend and figure out what you can do differently. Can you try to see even how you're handling this as an example of what that section of text is saying? You are in a relationship that is consistently hurtful to you, and is diminishing of you. It doesn't even matter what your BF's motivations or intent are. The relationship isn't giving you what you need or deserve. You need to respect and care for yourself enough to move on. You deserve better. Doesn't mean he's an awful person - he's just awful for you but has shown you how to understand why you need to make different choices. That is an invaluable gift he has given you. Do it justice and go choose someone who is better suited to what you know you need.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm really sorry that your boyfriend makes promises and doesn't follow through on them. That sucks. People who do that are a real disappointment in a relationship.

But gaslighting is a term with a very specific meaning. It has nothing to do with what you are describing. It means making someone think they are crazy for thinking something happened. Watch the movie "Gaslight."

If your boyfriend told you that you were crazy for thinking he had promised you a gift, or that he had never told you that in the first place, that would be gaslighting.

This. Gaslighting would be your bf promising to get you a gift, not buying you a gift, denying that he promised to buy you a gift, and claiming that you must have imagined that he made any such promise. Gaslighting is really about causing the victim to question her perception, memory, or even sanity by deliberate manipulation. Your bf isn't denying that he promised you anything, he's just trying to make you feel badly because you relied on his promise and your feelings were hurt. Not good behavior, but not gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

I remember the other thread, and now seeing this one, seriously OP, it shouldn't be half this amount of work. He's "just" a boyfriend. Get rid of him and move on to someone who doesn't cause you this much drama.

[Anonymous]

DTMFA! Why in the world are you still with this guy? You're not happy. You aren't married. You don't have kids. There is really no reason to stay in this relationship any longer. DTMFA!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice is that you break up with him, and then find a good therapist. I think he doesn't make you happy, and in fact makes you sad and confused. I suggested therapy because it sounds like you have a few things that it would be helpful to sort out with someone who is impartial, a little older and a little wiser.

+1