Vacation/Wedding Dilemma

[Anonymous]

I started a new job 3 weeks ago. I recieve 10 days of paid vacation every year.
My plan was to use 3 or 4 days over Christmas, another 5 days in June to visit my fiance's family in NY and 2 days as "just in case" time.
My younger cousin (21) called tonight and asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding in July in Michigan.
I don't want to disappoint her as she doesn't have many friends and she was desperate enough to ask me (I'm 12 years older than her and haven't seen her in 3 years).
I have a few concerns.
1. The NY trip is non-negotiable. I love my fiance's family and have a blast on this trip every year.
2. I don't want to take vacation time so close together-especially with a job I just started.
3. Soooo much money.
4. I am not very close with most of my family members who will be at this wedding (poor life choices, alcoholism, etc.)
5. I would have to spend a chunk of my free-time running around doing wedding stuff.

Do I buy her a killer gift or make it happen? What would you do?

[Anonymous]

I don't mean this to sound as terrible as it is going to sound BUT, perhaps she is having most of your other female family members be part of her wedding and felt obligated to asking you? Either way, I'd politely decline and say that unfortunately you just started a new job and have very limited vacation days and most of them are already being used with previous commitments. Then said a great gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean this to sound as terrible as it is going to sound BUT, perhaps she is having most of your other female family members be part of her wedding and felt obligated to asking you? Either way, I'd politely decline and say that unfortunately you just started a new job and have very limited vacation days and most of them are already being used with previous commitments. Then said a great gift.

l

I hear what you're saying. I wish this was the case but she asked me (along with my sister and two cousins) to be in the wedding.
I've been told it's because she has no friends to ask. My sister will most likely decline as she lives far away and has 2 young children.
I don't want to leave her high and dry with nobody to be in her wedding party.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a tough situation, OP, but in the end you need to look out for yourself. And yes, blood is thicker than water, blah blah blah, but this is a cousin you haven't seen in 3 years.

Tell her you can't take time off work, send a great gift, and don't let anybody make you feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

You've already made up your mind, now you are just looking for permission to say no. If you use the money and vacation time excuse, you can't go to the wedding at all, let alone be a bridesmaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a tough situation, OP, but in the end you need to look out for yourself. And yes, blood is thicker than water, blah blah blah, but this is a cousin you haven't seen in 3 years.

Tell her you can't take time off work, send a great gift, and don't let anybody make you feel guilty.

+ 1000 OP - Don't be a doormat.

[Anonymous]

I don't think anyone would want someone to stand up in their wedding who didn't really want to be there. It's ok to say no. Heck, I have a ton of friends but I only asked one person -- my sister -- to stand up with me. And the wedding went off just fine. A bunch of bridesmaids are not essential to a successful day.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. 21 year old getting married won't last. Just tell her that you don't have the vacation time or the financial resources, which is true from what you've said.
Send a nice gift.

[Anonymous]

It's totally fine to decline, OP. You are not obligated to fill in what's missing in this girl's life, even if you feel sorry for her, and what she's asking requires (time, money, etc.) more than your relationship with her warrants. If you wouldn't go to the wedding otherwise, then her request to you doesn't mean you have to go at sacrifice to your own plans for the next year. Her life comes first to her but your life properly comes first to you.

Then send her an awesome present.

[Anonymous]

Geez OP. Just do it. You can just say that you can only fly in the day before (so that's what, 1 vacation day?) and you won't be able to make the trip for showers or bachelorette parties, for example. I think that's totally reasonable. But if my cousin asked me to be a bridesmaid, I would need a much more compelling reason than you are giving here to say no.

Your call, obviously, but I would be in the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Politely decline and explain why. Give a great gift with a very sweet note.

[Anonymous]

Politely decline and explain why. Give a nice gift with a very sweet note.

[Anonymous]

Regretfully decline w/ an explanation (new job, no time, couldn't do it justice, etc...).

Send a lovely wedding gift, maybe even offer to help w/ some aspect of planning the wedding or supporting her that you can do from afar (if you feel like it).

Do not do it out of pity or guilt.

[Anonymous]

Huh? Is she getting married in the middle of the week? Can't you fly in Friday night and fly out Sunday night?

[Anonymous]

ditto all the good advice above. Who cares if she is sad about not having a wedding party? Who says you even need a wedding party these days? She doesn't need a bunch of bridesmaids, especially ones she's not even close to. There are so many other ways she can make this work without guilting people into a big wedding party.