Not sure where to turn

[Anonymous]

I'm coming to my wits end in my marriage of 27 years. DW started running a few years ago now and it's more of a priority in her life than our marriage. So much so that one evening we were getting "frisky" when she fell asleep. Rather than getting up the next morning and finishing what we started, she was in her exercise clothes and headed down to the treadmill and DVD player to do her exercises. I have come to accept her running, but just want her to have time for us also. When she's racing twice on weekends (Sat and Sun mornings) that leaves no time for things like "Date Night" as she needs to be in bed early enough to get up to travel to wherever she goes. I tried being supportive and going to races and such (carrying all the bags she brings) and that didn't seem to make a difference. I suggested recently we have a date night on a Saturday and go to dinner/movie then come home and let things happen as couples would do. And then make a lazy morning on Sunday. I was told no as it was something she was really looking forward to and that I "blindsided" her asking on that Friday. That's a total cop-out as she'd have said no if I'd asked a week prior. Then she accused me of not letting her have "fun". We've gone stretches in the past couple of years where we have gone 10 months and then 9 months between having sex. I have tried to get things going on weeknights, but am told it's a "work night". We've tried counselling and one of the suggestions was compromise. I did that recently when she planned a "vacation" for us around a race we'd have to travel to. When I suggested we just take a vacation without the running, I was told she'd already signed up and was going regardless. At first I refused to go but then I compromised. I will say we had a nice time. But I don't see where the compromise is coming from on her end. I apologize for coming here to vent, but needed to get things off of my chest as it doesn't seem like I'm getting anywhere with this issue. Thank you for "listening".

[Anonymous]

Hi there. Im afraid that this sounds like there is a lot of missing information.

#1 Your marriage is 27 years yet the problem that brings you to your "wits end' is only a few years old?

#2 "You" put a lot of "things" in "quotes". We cant tell what that means. What was the counselling originally motivated by? What was the "original" "problem"?

#3 Do you have any other complaint about the time taken by this running hobby other than not getting enough "date nights"?

Look. Dude. You need to fill in some blanks here. I get that you want a non running vacation. Totally ok. But you are leaving way way too much detail out for anyone of us to be of ANY assistance in "listening".

[Anonymous]

Have you asked her what the best way would be to fit sex in on a regular basis?

[Anonymous]

Have you considered the sex or lack of might be "related" to "another problem" ?

[Anonymous]

Maybe the message here is "catch me if you can"?

[Anonymous]

She races twice a week? Sounds like exercise bulimia.

[Anonymous]

I definitely think PPs have hit on key areas...

1. that she sounds obsessive about running to the exclusion of other normal activities
2. that lack of interest may be a sign of a different problem--not necessarily bigger but women change/age differently than men so it might be physiological, maybe it's she has less drive, maybe she's not being upfront about her feelings about sex, the marriage, maybe she doesn't truly enjoy sex with you and can't feel that she can say this--believe me having sex isn't the same thing as enjoying it
3. that she really hasn't really been upfront with you about not wanting sex (could be related to #1 or 2)

This is going to take time to unravel. Patience and definitely don't hold back on self service.

[Anonymous]

I don't get what the PP above means by missing information. It seems pretty clear to me.

Yes, she has become obsessed. She has low self-esteem. She needs to see a therapist.

[Anonymous]

I guess I did leave out some details. DW started exercising/running about 4 years ago now after having some concerns about health. Has lost significant weight because of it and have told her she looks great. Sex before that was probably 3-4x/month. Counselling was begun by DW after a big argument about a different race that involved travel. It was related to a race that I asked if she would do this as a walk with me. Bad knees keep me from being a runner, but can walk a good distance. She refused to consider it, so I refused to go. I think she believes I'm picking on her, but all I'm trying to do is have some time together like a date night.

I don't find her running to be a hobby at this point, but an obsession. There's never any discussion as to something that may be going on that day/weekend. Just signs up and doesn't consider any family conflict this may have. To clarify, all kids are grown, so no little ones here. In fact, one of her races was the morning of a daughter's wedding. I can't make this stuff up.

To run races every weekend, many include both days, that's not a hobby. This includes four days a week with running in the morning. Most mornings I wake up, she's not even there. Counselor suggested to cuddle to possibly rekindle the spark, but there have been no attempts at that. I have made a couple of attempts and have been met rather coldly.

I have tried making suggestions about sex, times to do it, and never seems to be the right time or suggested time. I am not a person who is selfish when it comes to having sex. I'm very giving, if you catch my meaning. And from the sounds and body movement, satisfaction is had on her part. So I'm guessing that it still feels good to her. But every 9-10 months is not a marriage. I have not been unfaithful to this point, and really am trying to avoid that.

[Anonymous]

Wow...This is a new one.

It sounds like she is turning her love of running into a straight up obsession.

While I commend anyone who works on themselves to stay active + healthy, it seems your wife is taking it a little bit too far if it is interfering w/your marriage, etc.
She sounds like she is totally obsessed w/this new hobby of hers.

Perhaps if you took a different approach and became her "running buddy?" That way, you guys could share this together.

As for the sex, I think the issue runs (no pun intended) deeper than than her sport.
There are certain other issues that need to be addressed and I think first you need to figure out just what those issues are.

Good Luck to you OP.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP. I sympathize. My DH is addicted to weightlifting. We do have young kids at home. I guess my situation is slightly better because he built an elaborate home gym, so at least he's in the house. I don't have any answers, but just wanted to post given the snarky comments of some others. I do agree the sex thing might be a separate topic.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's annoyed with your excessive use of quotation marks. That's grounds for divorce in my book.

[Anonymous]

Are you out of shape and/or very overweight? Has her fitness significantly exceeded yours?

What is her response when you say you've missed physical intimacy and how does she think you could work it back into your life together?

You have got to stop making the issue her running, she will just keep pushing back. Instead, focus on what YOU need (vs what you want her to change) and ask for her insight into solving the problem.

[Anonymous]

Those races have registrations fees. I'd start being worried about how much $$ she is spending.

Sounds like running is your DW's excuse to avoid you, avoid intitmacy, avoid something. Or just the opposite. It could be that awesome runner's high, her proud accomplishment of losing weight, or just her normal routine/alone time that feels too strange to reduce even just a little bit. Or could be a combo of everything.

Either way, it's an obsession. She obviously values the perks of running (see above) than relationship maintanence.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are grown. Can I ask your age OP?