Harassment at work

[Anonymous]

A coworker, who is the same age/level/tenure as me, does and says things that make me feel uncomfortable. He is like a bully. He will call me "cute" nicknames even after I ask him to stop (I work in a male dominated field and want to be viewed as a professional, not a cute little girl). He will open my office door without knocking. He wanted to set me up with his friend and AFTER I told him I was not interested, and he had his friend show up at a work happy hour and told all of my coworkers we were being set up. He likes to sneak up on me and walk away laughing when I am startled. He also comes into my office and demands I share my food with him, and when I say no, he tells me I am rude. I've been setting boundaries and this behavior has largely dropped off - we don't interact much because we are staffed on different projects.

The other day though, at a daytime, in-the-office social gathering, he made a joke about how I am not allowed within 500 ft of a school. I don't think pedophilia is funny..and I don't think implying that I am a sex offender is appropriate in the work place. I get that it was a joke, and I know that none of my coworkers who heard are going to think that I'm a sex offender. However, in the context of his behavior, this really bothers me. It crosses a line. My friend says that I shouldn't speak up because then I will seem uncool and no one will want to work or hang out with me.

So, experienced and wise career women, how would you handle something like this? Let it go to remain part of the club, or say something?

[Anonymous]

Say to him loudly..."I don't appreciate this behavior. Please stop. Now!" Repeat and repeat.

if that doesn't work go to HR. Some people are clueless and can't take a hint.

[Anonymous]

This dude sounds like Ted Packer from The Office! He is a bully. The fact that you have stood up to him at all has made him more angry, which is why he made the sex offender joke, The next time he does something, respond directly with some version of what the PP said (i.e.: "I don't appreciate this behavior/your insults/your efforts to antagonize me. Please stop it." Or you could just say, "Stop being a jerk.") Be as calm and non-angry as possible. Just be straightforward; maybe even allow yourself to sound tired, or pitying. Do it in front of other people whenever possible. If everyone else at work thinks this guy is cool, then yeah, you will seem uncool. But if that's the case, your co-workers are assholes and you probably can do better than hanging out with them anyway. If they are decent people, then the bully will look like the asshole.

[Anonymous]

Also OP. . . hang in there. It sucks to deal with assholes like this, but most women I know have had at least one such person try to fuck with them in the course of their careers.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with your friend. Speak up when he is inappropriate. Or even just look at him in shock and say, "wow. Really Jeff?" then just shake your head and ignore him.

[Anonymous]

I would consider involving HR. You may want to be establishing that there is a pattern of this behavior, so it is already on record if it escalates even further. He may be doing this to others as well, so there may be an even larger pattern that you are not aware of. It is in HR's interest to get him to stop and to remain strictly professional in his interactions with you. If he can't do that, he should be reprimanded.

[Anonymous]

Do you laugh when he does these things? I find a lot of women do so because it is the automatic nervous reaction or because they don't want to seem "uncool" as your friend said.
Don't laugh. Respond with silence or, "that was inappropriate" or "please don't do that again" with a straight face.
I once dated a guy who I felt who recount stories from his office where his behavior was borderline inappropriate. He was like "oh they're cool, they think it is funny, you don't understand the dynamic we have." I tried to explain that women often laugh it off so as not to cause a fuss but most st actually like it and are going home an complaining to their friends about it. He totally didnt get it

[Anonymous]

Meant to say actually dislike it. Ipad sucks

[Anonymous]

This doesn't really sound like harassment to me. It sounds like he has a crush on you. I don't see how you can complain to HR about this unless you have some documented behavior that is serious harassment. He sounds juvenile, yes, but that's about it.
We all have to deal with difficult people at work, and you will probably deal with a lot worse personalities in your lifetime. You have to just live with this, not everyone has great social skills or even social maturity. I think what you are doing is great. You might also try just ignoring the bad behavior, and responding matter-of-factly, with no emotion. Even responding with 'please stop' might be all the encouragement he needs to continue.
There are a whole slew of books on how to deal with difficult people, you might get some ideas there.

[Anonymous]

I second the "Wow. Really, Jeff?" approach. Document the instances on paper somewhere as they happen, and if it continues then talk to HR.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I'd involve HR at this point. He sounds very immature, but just stand your ground, don't laugh at him, tell him politely to stop startling you, stop walking into your office, stop asking to share your food. Tell him you are not his friend, you are his colleague, and you want to be treated as a professional. Thank you. And walk away, unsmiling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd involve HR at this point. He sounds very immature, but just stand your ground, don't laugh at him, tell him politely to stop startling you, stop walking into your office, stop asking to share your food. Tell him you are not his friend, you are his colleague, and you want to be treated as a professional. Thank you. And walk away, unsmiling.

If this isn't considered harassment, then it sure is headed there...

[Anonymous]

Employment lawyer here. There are several behaviors here that could verge on hostile work environment harassment if he does not stop after you tell him you object, and after you inform your employer, the employer does not take action.

You need to start by telling him the behaviors you object to, in no uncertain terms. You can hand him a list, or email him. Just list them. You can print out your post, leaving out the final question to career women. It's well written and concise and you'll have a record of him getting it, the date and time.

If he doesn't stop within 24 hours, or starts again, go immediately to your supervisor and show him your email and tell him you want something down right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Employment lawyer here. There are several behaviors here that could verge on hostile work environment harassment if he does not stop after you tell him you object, and after you inform your employer, the employer does not take action.

You need to start by telling him the behaviors you object to, in no uncertain terms. You can hand him a list, or email him. Just list them. You can print out your post, leaving out the final question to career women. It's well written and concise and you'll have a record of him getting it, the date and time.

If he doesn't stop within 24 hours, or starts again, go immediately to your supervisor and show him your email and tell him you want something down right away.

+1000

[Anonymous]

If you don't nip it in the bud now, it'll just get worse.

But, on the flip side, the outcome depends on your HR. I took similar claims to my chain of command and got told, "that's just the way things are". So be prepared to figure out what your next step is if your supervisors/HR don't have your back.

It sucks to have this type of environment - I know. If only I could share stories I've put up with (the ignorant things people have said in our office - I work with mostly men)