question for the ladies - about on-line dating
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Anonymous
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So I've been trying out the on-line dating thing for a few months now - on 2 sites - and while the experience thus far has been interesting to say the least, it hasn't been all that easy to make a connection. But a couple of months back, I did contact a woman who was very attractive, interesting, similar background, etc. - we're about the same age, both divorced, I have a kid (I co-parent), she doesn't. We exchanged e-mails, and eventually agreed to meet up. A couple of things did get in the way which postponed our meeting, but we did eventually meet.
We had a nice first date - talked and joked over a couple of hours, flirted only a little bit. There was mutual attraction (at least on some level - enough to meet), humor, lots of things in common - no controversial topics or anything came up - the mood was light and relaxed. The date ended pleasantly enough (no kiss or anything - not that it's 'expected' but it was the only first date I had that didn't result in a second date), but I think it's fair that the sparks didn't fly off the hook. I sent her a note the next day, saying I had enjoyed meeting and if she wanted to meet up again, to drop me a line. But that was it. Let me say, at the risk of sounding like a pompous ass, I am a good looking guy, very successful professional, well educated so it's not a problem to meet women. I am very picky when it comes to dating - I'm not looking for a Victoria's Secret model, but certainly physical attractiveness is one factor. What's more important to me is that a woman knows what she wants, who she is, doesn't play games, and is down to earth. So I wonder what women think with regard to a man making contact again now a few months later. Is it worth a shot? If so, what would you like a man to say if he were to contact you again? TIA! |
Anonymous
| I mean I guess it is worth a shot, but the ball was in her court and she didn't try to get a second date. If you contacted her now, she could very well just ignore you. |
Anonymous
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if you liked her you should have asked her out again right away. she may feel like you looked for something better and couldn't find it so now you are back.
women like to be chased and wanted, so it would have been your move. wouldn't hurt to reach out. tell her you didn't hear from her, but felt you had good chemistry |
Anonymous
That just seems like a weird thing to say a few months later. If a guy sent me that message after 4 or 5 months, I'd probably just roll my eyes and figure he couldn't find anyone else to date so now he was desperately trying to go back through his "little black book". I think the best way is just be honest. Say something like "hey M. I know we only went on one date a few months ago but I enjoyed our conversation and thought 'hey maybe I should reach out and see if we could repeat that good time together'. " or something. At least acknowledge the fact that you haven't spoken in months and don't pretend that something was there that wasn't (i.e the chemistry). |
Anonymous
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OP here - thanks for the replies. I did sent her a note the next day so it's not that I didn't follow up with her. I totally get that women like to be chased and pursued, and have no problem with that. and thanks 17:49 - that was an approach I thought would be the best too.
I was curious about this as many of my friends, and even the story of how I met my exW, have a similar story that the first meeting/date/etc. wasn't an immediate connection but that it did happen the second time around. I've also seen many women posting here saying the something similar - and how happy they are that their now DHs did pursue them for a second date - not that I have any notion that this could lead to marriage, but this woman has been one of a couple I've met in the few months I've been dating again who I found to be attractive on many levels. |
Anonymous
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Woman here who is also doing the online thing- If you're still I the rested in her than I don't see why you shouldn't send a quick note. With online dating, she could've been seeing someone else, thought that they had a better connection, went that direction and now that's over. And she could be thinking that shed like to see you but it's been a few months? Really, what do you have to lose???
Quick question -are her profiles still up on the sites? |
Anonymous
| Your response to the date would rub me the wrong way. If you are interested, let it known. Pursue us. Hitting us up months later is just creepy. You had your chance. |
Anonymous
| You should have manned up and asked her for a second date after the first one, not ask her to drop you a line! Honestly. |
Anonymous
| Contact her. Sometimes I just get distracted with different stuff. Doesn't mean I don't want to continue getting to know a person. |
Anonymous
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Your follow up was passive. In the future, ask the woman out at the end of the date or call and ask her out. Putting the ball in her court after a decent, but iffy date is feminine energy.
You have nothing to lose by reaching out to her. Worst that could happen is she doesn't respond or tells you she isnt interested. You'd at least have closure. |
Anonymous
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OP, even though someone may be attractive, successful, educated, witty, charming, intelligent, well-spoken, etc. sometimes the chemistry just isn't there. It isn't due to any fault of either parties, it is just a chemistry thing. It sounds like the date went well, but that neither of you felt that initial spark. As a woman, if I went out w/a man and felt no chemistry on the first date, I probably wouldn't go out on a second date w/him. I most likely would continue meeting other men on the dating site and hope I would meet someone who I had more fireworks w/.
Even though your date wasn't a disaster, it doesn't sound like it was a raging success either OP. I am not too clear on what her response was to you after you left her the message so I do not know what she could be thinking or feeling about you. I don't see anything wrong w/contacting someone a few mos. later and seeing if they want to go out again. Hell, why not? You have nothing to lose, right?? Personally, I would be quite flattered if a man still kept me in mind and contacted me a few mos. later on to ask me out again. 
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Anonymous
Yup. Lame. You should have called her or at the very least emailed, "it was great meeting you. Would you like to go out again this weekend" not just same lazy "drop me a line if you want to go out again" email. Email her, what do you have to lose |
Anonymous
I don't know that this posted means about "feminine energy", but I agree with the rest of this advice. Putting the ball in her court after a first date could have been read by her as an indication that you weren't that interested. I read that men tend to read interactions/invitations broadly, as in -- when a woman says, "maybe" and man hears "likely yes". Conversely, women read interactions narrowly -- when a man says "maybe", a woman hears, "no, thanks". A generalization, I know, but I've often found this to be true. So anyway, she may have been open to a second date if you'd asked at the time, and may still be open to one now if you let her know you are interested. |
Anonymous
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I agree with others that asking her to "drop you a line" is basically telling a woman you're not that interested but if you have nothing going on you'd probably go out with her again. After a first date it's like a polite rejection and to some women also seen as you keeping a door open for a booty call. When it comes to online dating its hard to figure out if a person is looking at you from a romantic standpoint or a sexual so how you approach a potential date after is very important. Next time, ask her out immediately after your first date or at least call her the next day.
If you do contact her again, I would make it very clear that after all these months you still think of her and hope that your passive response wasn't the reason she ended all contact. |
Anonymous
| 22:36 here. PP nailed it. As a woman, that is how I would've interpreted your message. |