Husband swearing at children
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Anonymous
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My husband has a temper, and it generally manifests itself with a lot of yelling and swearing. He's started yelling at our children, and I really cannot tolerate this. I understand getting angry, because our kids are young -- 2 and 4 -- and they drive me crazy almost daily. However, I do not think it's appropriate to yell things such as "Oh my F***ing God, SHUT UP" or "What do you fucking want?" It's escalating to the point where he told my 4 year old to Shut the F*** Up yesterday morning when we were walking her to preschool. I know what everyone will say -- divorce him. It's not that easy. I worry about the mental health and safety of my children if he gets 50%, or any % really, custody. I don't believe in denying a relationship, and I'd be fine with them having playdates and dinners or breakfasts and other shorter-length visits. I just don't want them living with him at all. My oldest daughter is starting to exhibit some behavioral problems and is over-the-top emotionally sensitive these days, and it's getting worse and worse. I know his behavior is the root cause. I've started recording every instance of this type of behavior directed toward the kids, so I have it if I need it.
He thinks I'm being a prude. I'm not. I can and often do curse like a sailor. I just curb it in front of the kids and don't direct it at them ever. Sure I will sometimes drop the F-bomb if I step on their toys or cut my finger or whatever, but it's not a regular occurrence. With my husband it's like he can't utter a single sentence without throwing some 4-letter word in there, and the minute he gets irritated with any of us he starts hurling them at us. I don't think I'm in the wrong here. Am I? And if you think not, any suggestions for tactics that may help me convince him that this is harmful behavior? Also, what else should I be doing now to protect my children in the event of divorce. BTW, it would definitely be a financial hardship for me to support the kids on my salary alone (in this area), but I do make more money than him and could definitely support the kids and myself should I leave him (although footing the daycare/preschool bill and mortgage or rent would be pretty difficult). |
Anonymous
| Saying things like that to anyone is not appropriate, especially not to children. Even if he was just yelling "shut up" to the children that would not be appropriate. |
Anonymous
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OP
He needs to go. Maybe not permanently, but he needs to be out of the house. Your kids ARE BEING ABUSED. I am not ususallly an armistice, but anyone who loses it on toddlers in that fashion needs serious and IMMEDIATE help. If I had to go live with my mom or in a shelter( and I have been homeless) I could not let this go on. You need to set go boundaries, contact a therapist ASAP and let husband know that he is on the way out if he does not get help. I said this cause something tells me you may not yet have the nerve to kick him out right away. |
Anonymous
No, you're not in wrong; he is.
Therapy, if he is ever willing. But my guess would be that he is not willing now and will likely not becoming willing due to any magical things you can say or do. This is very disturbing and harmful behavior on his part and will likely escalate in the future to something beyond verbal abuse.
I don't know what steps you can take to protect your children in the event of a divorce, but raising them with someone who is so ugly is going to harm them far more than trying to minimize his ability to abuse them (divorcing him). And he IS abusing them already. Try to cut your losses sooner rather than later. |
Anonymous
| OP, it's more than curse words-- his attitude is toxic and he is verbally abusing your family. |
Anonymous
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Everyone gets angry with kids, and some of us even swear occasionally. But if he tells them to "shut the fuck up" more than once every few years then something is very wrong. He has anger management issues.
First thing is to make sure you don't have any more kids with him. Secondly, see if you can get him to address his issues somehow, ideally through treatment or therapy. Thirdly, if nothing else works, you should consult a lawyer, and see if his behavior might have an impact on custody. Important to begin to document his behavior. |
Anonymous
| Get him to therapy. |
Anonymous
| OP here, I realize he is verbally abusing my kids and me. He's been to therapy, and it was useless because as is frequently the case in these situations he turned it around into it being my fault. If anything he got worse with his behavior. We tried marriage counseling -- same thing. I doubt therapy will help. What I am concerned about is that if I leave him, he will have them for so much of the time all alone without me there to try to shield the children. I can't imagine leaving my children to deal with that. Until I know I can leave him and he will not have access to the kids, I will stay. I have to be around to shield them. When he gets this way, I always leave with the kids for a few hours or tell him to leave until he has calmed down. I am at least able to get the kids out of the situation temporarily. What happens if I'm not around for half the week or every other weekend or whatever? He has free reign to unleash his anger at my children? No way am I allowing that to happen. |
Anonymous
| Oh, OP again -- no way in hell am I having any more kids with him. I find him utterly repulsive, and I haven't gone near him in over two years since he started this behavior when I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter. |
Anonymous
| I am not usually in favor of divorce, but in your case I am. You and your kids don't deserve this, and he is not going to change. The writing is on the wall, now go get a good attorney. BTW, do you have concerns about physical violence should you proceed to divorce? Just reading your post has me very afraid for you and your kids, OP. |
Anonymous
| Has he always been this way? If not, could there be a medical reason for the change in his personality? If he has changed completely, I would also get him to a doctor. |
Anonymous
| Your husband is damaging your children. No joke. You may not see repercussions right away, but, mark my words, down the road, your kids will have problems. I have seen it first hand. This behavior must stop immediately. |
Anonymous
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OK OP, it looks like you are looking for tactics that will help your kids because you want to avoid them being exposed to him during custody visits. So, if you aren't going to leave him, I suggest that you wait until the kids are asleep, have sex with your husband and after that have a serious talk with him, and you should let go of your emotions and cry. Maybe you can catch him at a vulnerable moment and he will be nicer for a few days.
#whatmymomdid |
Anonymous
| My DH was like this and he refused to go to therapy. It took my physically blocking him from the children, looking him in the eye, and telling him that his behavior was unacceptable and abusive. Other times I stepped in and told him to just stop it and to come back when he can use his words properly. My parenting him did hurt our relationship for a couple of years and it took my going to therapy to learn how to fix it. We nearly divorced, twice, but he's a much different man these days and he sees the benefit of my actions. It was often difficult to not remain calm but I'm glad I modeled that behavior for him and so is he. |
Anonymous
| What has changed during your pregnancy to make him this eay? |