How often is reasonable to visit parents who live on West Coast?

[Anonymous]

My parents are complaining that my husband and I don't visit them often enough. They retired to the West Coast and expect us to spend all our vacation time visiting them. I get 2 weeks vacation per year with my job. I don't want to spend all my vacation time on the West Coast, I'd like to take other vacations. Visiting once a year is not enough for them. I am not sure how to figure out something that will make them happy. They are also very resentful that we did not decide to move to the West Coast to be with them.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws live in Florida and we struggle to get down there twice a year, if it was the west coast it would definitely only be once.

If they are retired, can't they come here and visit?

[Anonymous]

I visit my mom in the Pacific Northwest 1-2x per year. She comes out here some too, but she isn't retired. It's a hike, and I usually suffer through early flights out and redeyes back, but for me, it's totally worth it. I'd move out there myself if I could.

In your case, it sounds like you probably can't win, so don't even try.

[Anonymous]

I think the focus here is not on the actual visits but the guilting - the use of guilt as a tactic. Being resentful is not healthy.

I don't know how direct or passive your family dynamic may be. You could address it head on 'I do miss you and want to see you, however making me feel guilty is not going to work.'

Once this dynamic is cleared then the fogginess of the whole issue could lift.

I think twice per year is good. You could do a long week with a red eye.

[Anonymous]

Long weekend^

[Anonymous]

My parents live in the midwest and my inlaws are on the w. coast. We do one trip/year to each, and even that is a stretch. When kids were infants/toddlers, we visited even less frequently.

Can you try Skyping or another way of connecting to maintain relationship?

[Anonymous]

Tell them you'll visit them once a year and they can visit you once a year. That way you'll see each other every six months. That's the best you can do. Do not accept guilt.

[Anonymous]

I would say once every two years. My husband's and my parents are on the east coast and I understand the pressure. It's also the same cost for us to go to the west coast as it is to take a real vacation (hotel, food, flight, rental car) so it's annoying to me to visit often. It's also not relaxing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are complaining that my husband and I don't visit them often enough. They retired to the West Coast and expect us to spend all our vacation time visiting them. I get 2 weeks vacation per year with my job. I don't want to spend all my vacation time on the West Coast, I'd like to take other vacations. Visiting once a year is not enough for them. I am not sure how to figure out something that will make them happy. They are also very resentful that we did not decide to move to the West Coast to be with them.

Where did they live before they retired? Where did you grow up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them you'll visit them once a year and they can visit you once a year. That way you'll see each other every six months. That's the best you can do. Do not accept guilt.

+1

And if you cannot get there 1x per year, that is ok too.

[Anonymous]

We fly out to my in-laws 3 times a year -- christmas, sring break, summer. They pay for the trips, so I have less reason to complain, but I am tired ofnspending al our vacations visiting them. The kids love the visits, so I feel like a scrooge if I say no.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws live in California. We visit them once every two years. It is expensive to fly our whole family out there, and we always try difference places for vacations.

My in-laws understand that, and they fly here to visit us 3-4 times per year. I suppose at some point they will be unable to travel so much, at which point we will try to do an annual trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are complaining that my husband and I don't visit them often enough. They retired to the West Coast and expect us to spend all our vacation time visiting them. I get 2 weeks vacation per year with my job. I don't want to spend all my vacation time on the West Coast, I'd like to take other vacations. Visiting once a year is not enough for them. I am not sure how to figure out something that will make them happy. They are also very resentful that we did not decide to move to the West Coast to be with them.

For parents that guilt like that? Assuming you have already tried a direct conversation about the guilt and your right to do what's best for your family not what they request, even if it means living farther away from each other... once a year, max. Or two years out of three. Tell them their attitude puts them in the category of duty visits, but if they could accept your choices and have an enjoyable time together, there will be more frequent/longer visits.

Also, they can't expect you to do all the traveling...any whining about how often you come if they never come to you (without a valid health reason)? "Mom, you never come to us, so stop complaining." Don't listen to it.

[Anonymous]

Once a year for us, and we encourage them to come out when they can. They are retired but the cost prohibits them from coming more than once a year, if that.

[Anonymous]

All my family is in CA - I generally go twice a year. Once for Christmas, once for some family summer function - a graduation, a decade milestone birthday, what have you. I do spend most of my vacation time visiting family - either mine or DH's. My parents come to give twice a year as well, so they see their grandchild once a season.

I have a good relationship with them though. If money were tighter or if things were less comfortable, then maybe once a year?