How often is reasonable to visit parents who live on West Coast?
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Anonymous
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If it isn't a restful or fun trip for you, I'd say one major holiday every other year, so long as you host them for one major holiday the year you don't head west. If you enjoy their company, just not the trip, see if they can visit you more often, or vacation with you somewhere more enjoyable. There can be some serious advantages to having more adults on your family vacation. Date night! Take turns cooking! More adult conversation!
My in-laws are in Georgia and DD was 6 before we dragged her down there. We saw them several times a year, but either at our home, or my SILs halfway between. Their house isn't as comfortable and there isn't much to do in their little town. And since they are both retired, easier (and cheaper) for them to travel than for us. We do spend our summer vacation with my parents b/c they have a vacation home with plenty of room and there is a lot to do. And we spend spring break with my parents at a ski resort b/c they ski (in-laws do not). Is it fair or perfect? Not exactly. When your kids are older, you might be able to send them to California to visit with your parents (if they are in good health, etc) without you. |
Anonymous
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We don't regularly. H's family is in CA. It's expensive to fly our family there and tiresome traveling with a toddler across the country and lugging a car seat and associated crap. Plus, we have limited vacation.
We did meet them at a family reunion this year, which was extremely difficult and costly to get to and H and I went out a year and a half ago when our nephew was born to meet him. Our kid has yet to go to CA. FIL is retired and they have plenty of money. They can come here if they want, we've never said no. |
Anonymous
| We go three times a year |
Anonymous
So they know that the cost prohibits THEM from traveling to see you much, yet they seem to think you're made of money and can hop out to see them more often? I'd remind them that the flights cost the same for you -- more, actually, since I'm guessing you're toting kid or kids along. Actually, don't mention the cost; they sound like the kind of guilt-mongers who would fix on that comment and whine at you about how they'll be martyrs and give you money to come see them.... You cannot win this one, OP. Go the one time you want, or not at all. When this topic comes up in conversation, act as if you did not hear it and start talking about something else. Do it every single time. If they ask a direct question or make a direct demand that you visit them, be swift and brief: "I know you'd like us to come out there more but we come when we can afford it in money and in time." Then change the topic in your next breath. And to be more positive: If they have other, good qualities that you like, focus on those and again -- change the topic to things your kids are doing, or other happy stuff. If their main flaw is the guilt over travel (and they aren't into laying general, constant guilt on you), then just never engage on that topic and engage them a lot on other ones that are positive between you. If they ARE constant guilt-givers, well, time to screen your calls more. |
Anonymous
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1x per year, some calendar years zero, some twice.
We get stuck flying to the inlaws high season Xmas or August -stuck with $1500 flights per person to western Europe. They're retired, and ONLY come when they find a deal ($600 per person) and if it is "worth their while" (3+ weeks, and they never pay for a meal or drive). Somehow my husband thinks this is the coolest thing: they hang out in our house 24/7 going through everything in the cabinets and eating food he bought for them while we're both at work. And forget about mtg at a vacation destination, they won't do that either unless someone else pays their way, or a family wedding (who will we stay with?). Meanwhile they have tons of savings, just prefer to be cheap. |
Anonymous
| Honestly, we go about once every 2-3 years. However, my retired MIL and BIL are both welcome to come and visit and they do visit once or twice a year. My wife and her brother are both active in an organization and we sometimes will meet them in places where this organization has conferences. We do see them between 1-3 times per year with them mostly coming to us. Not only do they have the time to travel, they get senior rates and they can travel easily at the cheap rates (Tue/Wed flights both direction). In fact, if money is tight, we pay for their airfare and often their other expenses to bring them out here. It was hard enough to get out there before kids, but it's much harder with the young children. |
Anonymous
| When members of our families have moved away then we generally put the burden on them traveling back more than us going there. |
Anonymous
| All my family is in CA so we go twice a year. I'm not going just to see one family though. It's both sides and all our friends too. I'd rather do this than vacation elsewhere. |
Anonymous
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My mom used to guilt me but I told her the more she tried to make me feel bad the less I would visit. So we make it once a year. It costs so much, and I don't get that much vacation time. I love seeing everyone and have a good time, but $2000 in airfare (2 kids, 2 adults), $500 for rental car & car seats, $500 for hotel... I can't afford that more than once a year.
We see my husband's folks more often - 3 hr drive and their home has 2 guest bedrooms. It only costs a tank of gas. I know hurts my folks knowing we see then more, but it is what it is. |
Anonymous
+1 My parents moved to the Midwest a few years ago. I was last there 18 months ago. My budget and PTO are both pretty tight, and they have a lot more free time and money to come here. |
Anonymous
Exactly. My in-laws are retired and well off and somehow expected us to lug all of our kids out to visit them frequently when they first moved out to the west coast. Um.....no. We try to all get out there every other year, but they can fly back more often. My DH does go to see them himself for a quick trip every year though. |
Anonymous
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My parents live closer than The West Coast but due to finances and schedules it's tough for them to come here. I would say 1X per year if you are paying everything and maybe alternate that between flying them out to see you and you flying out to see them. If you can build up any type or reward points (airline credit card plus trying to fly the same airline when posssible) you may be able to use frequent flier mies for some of the trips. If they can come out to see you on their own I would consider up to 2x with each side coming out once per year.
Maybe self serving but gift them with an iPad mini etc and assuming you also have an Apple product, FaceTime them once a week. If you have the type of relationship where you could vacation with your family and that would only make you closer, see if you could plan a vacation together so you can use your vacation on vacation and get to see your family at the same time. We don't have the kind of finances where everyone could pitch in to rent a beach house and no one has a timeshare or vacation home but I have seen it with other families. |
Anonymous
| Go as a family once a year. If you would be resentful re: vacation time spent, make it short - but I think that is an obligation. Then you -just you- visit another time during the year. No reason the whole family has to go, it's your family. Maybe mention that it is a strain financially and ask them to pay or contribute for your trip. I know, unfortunately, that it does cut into your time (besides money) Anything beyond 2 trips, you say that you look forward to them vacationing in your area (staying in a hotel, perhaps) |
Anonymous
| ^ NO reason your have to make any of these trips during any of the holidays - IF YOU don't want to. Don't accept any guilt. |