Taking care of Mom

[Anonymous]

My Mom is 85 lives 2.5 hours away alone ( we tried to get her closer, and she is not budging). Currently in rehab because of a fall and expected to stay 2 more weeks with a slow recovery. She has 5 children. Should all be expected to tag team to care for her, if they have the time and financial means to travel. One of the siblings lives a hour by plane, but resists coming, no kids at home and extremely wealthy, but makes the distance an excuse. This is wearing thin on the others, and I want to know if our expectiations of assistance are realistic. Believe me it is not the money, so what is it? My mother does not want to ask her, since she walks around all day in the house dressed up (heels, jeans) and it makes my Mom uncomfortable asking her for help, but the rest of us are exhausted. What say you?

[Anonymous]

I think it is appropriate to request that all siblings pitch in, assuming the circumstances permit...and then you have to accept whatever your sister says in response. I've seen this with both of my parents (caring for grandparents) and my ex. In this case, one sibling always took the laboring oar and resented the unhelpful sibling. It sucks, but I've seen this play out each time. With a bigger family, I have seen two children split the tough work and then the others pitch in for a week at a time. Or one does the finances, where one does the day-to-day b/c of proximity.

[Anonymous]

Do all 4 of the other siblings live in one place? I think it's unreasonable that your mom wants to live by herself far from everyone else but expects help. She's still young enough to move and I think she should seriously consider it.

[Anonymous]

I agree that all should pitch in, though perhaps in different ways. One (or two) can focus on health things. Another can focus on her household things. Another on food (if she needs deliveries or special meals). A lot of these things can be helped or coordinated from afar.

The distance is an excuse. Understandable that she can't come every week, but flying an hour every 1-2 months, for a couple of days, if she has the time and money, is reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Uneven participation by siblings in elder care is very, very common.

[Anonymous]

OP -Here is the breakdown of responsibility and circumstances:
Son - lives on west coast, handles all financial issues and comes in quarterly to arrange for home maintenance etc.
Daughter - 2.5 hrs away but has a summer place nearby empty nest - acts as first responder and arranges all appts
Daughter 2.5 hours away M no kids, once a year.
Daughter - 2.5 hrs away D, 2 kids at home full time job- visits every other weekend and tags with D#1 during emergencies.
Daughter empty nest, summers at Cape, winters in Fla. Visits 1-2 times year for two days. is this division equal?

[Anonymous]

You cannot force people to participate, whether it's fair or not. The one Daughter going every other weekend is excessive (in my opinion), considering 2 kids at home/working FT. For those not participating you'll be less stressed if you can accept that's how it's going to be and that you cannot control their actions. I see this with my mother and her sister regarding their mother. My aunt has never been helpful, my mother is resentful, then borders on martyrdom. It's frustrating to see, and if my mom would accept that her sister has always been this way and it's not going to change, I really think my mom would be better off emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uneven participation by siblings in elder care is very, very common.

Yes. OP - You can suggest participation, but there is no way to force it.

[Anonymous]

By proximity, i took on the responsibility for my mother. I also had the financial resources. What I lacked was the empathy, sympathy piece. I didn't have kids at the time and I just didn't get it. I flew my brother in every few weeks to relieve me. Now that I have kids and understand the bonds, I apologize to my mother every day for being such an ass. I only wish that she was here to hear me apologize.

[Anonymous]

If you focus on trying to get everyone to contribute equally you are likely to waste your energy, create significant tension and stress in the family, and lose the battle.

This is a really common situation and you cannot make someone do something they are unwilling or unable to do. It also isn't really fair to judge them based solely on money or child/marital status.

You need to find solutions for your mother's care that are more sustainable and stable than rotating long-distance sibling trade-offs. Perhaps the less active sibling can help w/ housing research, long-term care research or conversations, etc...

Having been through this (with more than one generation) in my own family I would really counsel you to not waste your energy and time on focussing on who is doing what. Focus on what your mother needs and how to set that up in a way that doesn't rely dangerously on people who are hours away. If she won't move near (or in) with one of her children, then you need local care options in place for her. Focus on that.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Why not ask the well-to-do sibling to kick in for a home health aide? I know you want your sibling to be as committed as you but it ain't gonna happen and as the pps are saying, you'll be happier if you accept that. But wouldn't it help to have a home health aide? This would just require writing a check or paying with a credit card number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you focus on trying to get everyone to contribute equally you are likely to waste your energy, create significant tension and stress in the family, and lose the battle.

This is a really common situation and you cannot make someone do something they are unwilling or unable to do. It also isn't really fair to judge them based solely on money or child/marital status.

You need to find solutions for your mother's care that are more sustainable and stable than rotating long-distance sibling trade-offs. Perhaps the less active sibling can help w/ housing research, long-term care research or conversations, etc...

Having been through this (with more than one generation) in my own family I would really counsel you to not waste your energy and time on focussing on who is doing what. Focus on what your mother needs and how to set that up in a way that doesn't rely dangerously on people who are hours away. If she won't move near (or in) with one of her children, then you need local care options in place for her. Focus on that.

Good luck.

+1

I am one of six siblings. During my mother's lengthy decline, I held the power of attorney and healthcare proxy and managed most of my mother's affairs (financial, doctor calls, clothing, toiletries, home health aide, etc.) from a distance - she lived about 10 hours away. My sister, who was local, did a lot of footwork to keep her meds in order, food in the house, etc.

The other four did ... basically nothing.

My mother passed away two years ago. I was and am at peace with how I handled her during her last years. That is what matters to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -Here is the breakdown of responsibility and circumstances:
Son - lives on west coast, handles all financial issues and comes in quarterly to arrange for home maintenance etc.
Daughter - 2.5 hrs away but has a summer place nearby empty nest - acts as first responder and arranges all appts
Daughter 2.5 hours away M no kids, once a year.
Daughter - 2.5 hrs away D, 2 kids at home full time job- visits every other weekend and tags with D#1 during emergencies.
Daughter empty nest, summers at Cape, winters in Fla. Visits 1-2 times year for two days.

is this division equal?

PP here. Do not ask this question. You will go crazy thinking about it.

It will never be equal, not even close.

[Anonymous]

I agree that the wealthy sibling who will not visit mom should cut a check. You can use the money for an aid to come and help. An aid will relieve everyone else and give a much needed break.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

There are five children. Four of you can't each take a week out of each month without getting burnt out? Something is wrong with those of you giving care. I gave care to someone for three weeks straight and had no problem.