Taking care of Mom

[Anonymous]

It's never even - ever - except for an only child, but then the pressure's really on and you're expected to do everything and more.

Talk to your mom about the possibility of moving closer to you, perhaps or living in an assisted living type community.
Second option would be as others mentioned, a home health aide/companion sitter to come in daily. Tell your mom that SHE must make a decision and keep her involved.

Get the rehab center to help YOU - either by extending her stay or having a meeting in which they discuss what their facility recommends for your mom's care. Before she gets released from there, a team should do a home visit and make certain she can navigate around her house.

I would think they'll be a family/team care meeting prior to her release - this is he time to get your siblings in on a conference call or at the very least one family member can be there to advocate and take notes.

But - setting up a care schedule for just the siblings to follow? No way. You'll have open rebellion and abandonment of duties and anger and tears. Believe me. Face the reality that you may have to be the sole caregiver/decision maker/mover/leader and can't wait around for consensus and a ground swell of support from your siblings.

Better to ask for help in the form of a check and you'll have some relieved siblings.

[Anonymous]

OP, how do you know that your mom cannot pay for what she needs herself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how do you know that your mom cannot pay for what she needs herself?

I was wondering the same
question. Can she pay for an aide?

[Anonymous]

OP -My mother can and will pay for an aide. However there is attendant responsibility with that situation as well, the help does not manage itself, nor does the service. What I gather from the feedback is if the others do not step up, don't bother to ask them to.
Got my answer.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you have bigger issues with the less helpful sibling than just this. You're lucky that 4 of the 5 children are actively involved. Seriously.

Get over or at least be honest about the problems with the less involved sibling and find solutions for your mother that are safe and smart for her and don't burn out her kids.

[Anonymous]

What's the saying about how can a mother take care of eight children but eight children can't take care of one mother...

Sorry you are going through this OP. Best wishes in finding a solution It's not fair, but very common for the burden to not be evenly shared among children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are five children. Four of you can't each take a week out of each month without getting burnt out? Something is wrong with those of you giving care. I gave care to someone for three weeks straight and had no problem.

You want a medal? I am one of 5. I have toddlers. I do 100% of what my mom needs. Fair? No. What's the option, when 2 can't help and 2 wont?

Everyone has different circumstances and pain thresholds. You can't compare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are five children. Four of you can't each take a week out of each month without getting burnt out? Something is wrong with those of you giving care. I gave care to someone for three weeks straight and had no problem.

They aren't local -- they live 2.5 hours away! I don't know about you, but my job won't let me take a week off each month. Setting my job aside, my husband & 5-year-old could certainly manage if I left for a week each month, but it would not be optimal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -My mother can and will pay for an aide. However there is attendant responsibility with that situation as well, the help does not manage itself, nor does the service. What I gather from the feedback is if the others do not step up, don't bother to ask them to.
Got my answer.

OP I understand and sympathize with your situation. It's tough even when all siblings are partipating. The non partipating ones are usually the first to cast blame when something goes wrong. Keep plugging away, interview companies and aides until you get a good match. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others, there's no way you can force things to be equal. Different siblings have different ideas about responsibility -- and also different relationships with their parents. Maybe your sister knows if she visited one weekend a month, she & mom would spend the whole time bickering, and she just doesn't have the stomach for that, who knows?

If it would make you feel better to get a financial contribution or some other kind of assistance from your sister (maybe she could help pay for a sitter for your kids while you visit mom?), I think it's not a bad idea to ask for it.

Don't try to guilt trip her though -- don't be like, "since you can't manage to do xyz, can you at least put in some $$??" Try something more like, "It seems like you aren't up for regular visits; would you rather contribute in some other way?"

And if that doesn't work out, LET IT GO. Your sister will be here after your mom is gone; maintain a positive relationship with her.

two random examples that might offer food for thought:

1) My mom took on the brunt of caring for her elderly mom. When my grandmother had a stroke and became dependent on a wheelchair, even though my uncle & his wife lived a couple hours from her, they moved her to my mom's house 500 miles away. My mom was on her own -- divorced, & my brother and I had long since moved out -- and worked full time. She had home health aides stay with my grandma daily for several months until she got a spot in a nearby assisted living facility, and then she visited my grandmother daily at the assisted living place. My uncle showed up at Christmas, that was it. Was my mom happy with that division of labor? No. But she never let it come between her and her brother, and after my grandmother died she continued to celebrate holidays and go on vacations with my uncle and his wife.

2) my husband is the youngest (by 7-8 years) of three brothers; his parents divorced when he was an infant. Both his brothers remembered living with their dad, resented the hell out of hime for leaving, and strongly favored their mom. She, meanwhile, was an alcoholic who stayed sober during their childhood but went off the wagon when they were in high school (and my husband was only 8 or 9). When my husbamd got to high school age, he went to live with his dad.

He's taken a lot of flak from his brothers over the years for being pissed at his mom and accepting his dad. I finally pointed out to brother A -- conversationally, not like in an argument or anything, and after he brought up the subject -- that kids have different experiences with their parents, their mom wasn't there for him the way she was there for them, and their dad really stepped up for him. Next time brother B started in on my husband, brother A defended him, basically repeating what I had said.

Your mom, to you, is not the same person she is to your sister -- or any of your other siblings. In the same way that you each had different relationships with her growing up, it makes sense that you'll each participate differently in her care now.