Moving on when you were never really loved

[Anonymous]

My ex's lies ran so deep (infidelity, day-to-day activities, telling different stories to please certain people, etc). I'm 90% certain he never actually loved me. His "love" was always contingent on whether I did enough chores or money, etc.

How do you heal from that? I felt love and feel alone thinking that I may have always been alone. Is there some peace from having escaped? I keep thinking I want him to ask for me back or just simply show up and apologize.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. Maybe try EMDR? It should help with the traumatic effects of your past relationship.

[Anonymous]

This founds alot like being with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Run.... And don't look back. They will not change.

[Anonymous]

You have to let it go and chalk it up as a lesson learnt. You brought something to the table in this unhealthy relationship - yeah it was mostly him - but there was some of you too. Why did were you ok with this for so long? What did you miss? You need to take a long, hard, good look at yourself here and figure out what you contributed. You attract folks at your emotional level, find out why. Once you heal from this with an insight and understanding into your own behavior you will be in shape to attract someone emotionally more healthy.

I've been where you are, I hear you OP. The lies are so damaging. But when the universe speaks, it's time to listen up.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have to get past the anger you have towards him, and grieve the death of the relationship.

But then, as PP says, you need to consider why you made the choice you did. Do you believe that you are not loveable? Or did you grow up in a family where true emotions were not shared?

[Anonymous]

I had a similar situation (of sorts) and I now feel so lucky to have been set free from it (10 years ago!). I think it's just bad luck - you are probably a very nice person who thinks the best of everyone, and someone took advantage of that. But that doesn't mean that everyone is like that or even that you tend to attract people like that. It can just be rotten, bad luck. Once I embraced that idea and threw myself into a new life and new people (with support of my true friends), without being scared of something like that happening to me again, I felt like a new person. You have every right to be angry - and you will be angry for many years, no doubt - but you have a fantastic opportunity now to move on and to let someone else truly love you. There is definitely peace from having escaped ... you'll know it when you start to enjoy your new life and accept that you had rotten luck picking a good-for-nothing guy who doesn't know right from wrong. You will go on to have a great life. Him ... well, he'll always be a liar and will never be happy.

Now go do something nice for yourself ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex's lies ran so deep (infidelity, day-to-day activities, telling different stories to please certain people, etc). I'm 90% certain he never actually loved me. His "love" was always contingent on whether I did enough chores or money, etc.

How do you heal from that? I felt love and feel alone thinking that I may have always been alone. Is there some peace from having escaped? I keep thinking I want him to ask for me back or just simply show up and apologize.

Well, think about that. Why do you want that? Are you looking for validation from someone who never gave it to you? If he showed up and apologized/asked for you back, would you go back, or would you use it as an opportunity to tell him where to go?

Feeling lonely and fear that you will always feel lonely is normal. How long have you been apart?

[Anonymous]

I had a similar hard landing from a really quite awful one-sided relationship in my 20s.

I ended up in therapy where very shorty the much older, wiser therapist directed me to look at my family of origin.

Did this relationship echo the frustrations you have in the relationship with one or both your parents. Were you trying to make the story come out right this time? These are the kind of questions she asked me. Keeping a journal was really helpful at that time.

[Anonymous]

OP I was in your shoes, I remember the feeling of wanting him to take it back and apologize. And he did... sadly it was still as hollow and empty as everything he had said to me previously. In the end there is no apology that will seem sincere enough to fix this hurt.

I too saw a therapist to deal with these feelings, it is not just getting over the anger at him. It was harder to get over the anger I had for myself in believing in him, in accepting less for myself for so long. This will take you sometime to heal but know that the further away you get from him, the better.

I definitely recommend reading some self-help books if you are not comfortable seeing a therapist. I can't tell you the peace it brought me to have my doctor say "He sounds like a Sociopath..." I had done a lot of emotional work on my own leading up to this but somehow this moment freed me, made it not about me the victim but him, someone incapable of love.

I wish you the best of luck OP, you deserve love and the more you believe that the stronger you will get!

[Anonymous]

OP here, I don't have any family of origin issues and I never wanted to be with someone like this. By the time I discovered his true self it was too late. I tried to make it work for our kids until he made even that too dangerous for us.

I want to believe it wasn't all a lie, but in the discovery process for custody a lot of lies, two-face stuff appeared on the order of him being a pathological liar. While I had an idea because I've caught him in big, extended lies before I had no idea that he lies to everyone about everything and manipulates emotions, trash talks, the works. One of the worst people I've ever encountered really.

Nothing could really undo what I've seen. I would never go back.

[Anonymous]

Many women have been in your shoes OP. The pain this man has inflicted upon you has left deep emotional scars that will take some time and perhaps some therapy to overcome, but it can be done.

First and foremost, I want you to understand one fundamental fact. You did NOTHING WRONG HERE. Nothing. You are a loving person w/a beautiful heart who is a good and decent human being. A horrible person took full advantage of that and it is his loss, it shouldn't be yours. People like him will have karma to answer up to....And trust me, karma never forgets a soul. Never.

I know it hurts and it may feel like you may never trust anyone again, but do not let this one person jade you for life.
You need to recognize that there were some initial red flags/warning signs that you chose to ignore, whether subconsciously or not. A lot of it has to do w/the type of childhood you had. Remember this: ----> We ALL tend to gravitate organically to what is familiar to us...What we grew up w/as children. What signified comfort to us. If you had a bad childhood, and this guy possessed some negative characteristics that you had to endure from your parents growing up, then by nature you were drawn to this guy since he reminded you of the comforts of childhood and home, etc.

It might be a good idea to seek therapy to sort out some of your issues so you can seek clarity so in your next relationship you can have better judgment.

I wish you the best of luck in all of your future romantic endeavors.
Hope this helps out.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I am 14:49 PP. I hear what you are saying and that this was a much deeper, longer relationship than the one I experienced, and the issue is different. it is very demoralizing to be disillusioned to the extent you are, and I'd like to direct you to some books I found helpful -
The Sociopath Next Door - martha stout
in sheeps clothing,and character disturbance by george simon (2 books)
the gaslight effect by robin stern

extensive lying and interpersonal manipulation and troublemaking are hallmarks of both sociopaths and narcissists. there are differences between them, but I will leave that to you to explore. You are far from alone though.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the book recommendations PPs.

I know it seems strange, but I had a fabulous childhood with two loving parents. My only qualm being that they didn't always take my advice seriously. My ex had an awful childhood. I also didn't know how bad until we had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the book recommendations PPs.

I know it seems strange, but I had a fabulous childhood with two loving parents. My only qualm being that they didn't always take my advice seriously. My ex had an awful childhood. I also didn't know how bad until we had kids.

To add - my biggest mistake or regret is working as hard as I did to hold my family together. I didn't realize that there was really nothing I could to do change the situation or recognize the depth of his issues.

[Anonymous]

OP make sure you're not mourning the loss of who you thought he was (or wanted him to be) versus who he really was.