My husband has never been on time for a thing in his life

[Anonymous]

It drives me crazy. He procrastinates getting ready to go in the morning such that everyone is late, gets really defensive if I gently remind him of what time it is and what time he said he would be ready to get out the door. For a while, I tried organizing the mornings totally independently of his schedule, but that's not always possible.

Right now, for example, it is 8:16 and DD is playing with toys on the floor while we wait for him to get dressed and get out the door. I told him I needed to be out the door no later than 8 in order to drop DD off at school and get to work on time. At this rate, I am going to be late. I am an hourly employee so I get docked if I come in late and have to make up the time at lunch.

I knocked on the bathroom door to ask if he would be ready soon and he snapped at me.

[Anonymous]

Are you his ride? Leave when you have to leave, woman. He'll be on time the next day.

[Anonymous]

Know what you signed up for, OP. If he's always been like this, why would he change now? Agree with PP, start leaving his butt at home if he can't be ready.

[Anonymous]

People like that make me nuts as well. You have my sympathy!

[Anonymous]

I am married to one too. I try not to have my schedule dependent on him at all and we never wait. Don't wait for dinner. If you need to go and he's not ready then leave. He can take metro or bus.

[Anonymous]

Hi all. OP here. Yes, that is usually my strategy - don't let my schedule depend on his lateness - but there are some mornings when that is unavoidable.

I don't think it's unreasonable for me to expect that when a person says they will be ready to leave the house at 8, they will actually make an effort to be ready to leave the house at 8. Instead, what he did was read the news on iPad and drink some coffee, then rush through shaving and getting dressed. We were leaving the house at the time I should usually be sitting down at my desk, and when I tried to talk to him about it, after dropping DD off at school, his only suggestion was that I remind him in a less bitchy tone.

I assume that his defensiveness about it is mostly rooted in knowing that he was in the wrong, and ultimately we agreed (again) that he would pay more attention to the time and I would pay more attention to my alleged bitchy tone (I don't think I was bitchy, but he does, and that's what's important), so we'll see what happens. I try really hard not to let my schedule be dependent on him, but I also feel kind of sad that I can't trust my husband to keep up his end of a deal he made. This morning I suggested that DD and I would just take the metro, and he said "No, I can be ready to go at 8."

[Anonymous]

If his constant lateness made me late for work and my child for school/daycare, as hard as it is, I'd be leaving his ass and getting out the door on time. He'll either figure out that he needs to move faster or figure out a way to get himself where he needs to be. That's ridiculous and disrespectful if it happens a lot.

[Anonymous]

PP with late DH here. Have you thought about the old trick of lying about the time? Say that your boss changed your hours and now you need to leave the house at 7:30.

In the situation above, after he said he would be ready, then I would say "I really need to leave at 8 so if you aren't down here with shoes on at 8 then DD and I are out the door." then do it.

[Anonymous]

PP here. He read the news, drank coffee and then blamed it on you? Oh no he didn't. Does he drop you and DD off in the morning and then take the car? Only reason why I'd suggest the metro! He's being selfish and making you feel bad about your tone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP with late DH here. Have you thought about the old trick of lying about the time? Say that your boss changed your hours and now you need to leave the house at 7:30.

In the situation above, after he said he would be ready, then I would say "I really need to leave at 8 so if you aren't down here with shoes on at 8 then DD and I are out the door." then do it.

Your second suggestion is more or less what I usually do. The problem is that if DD and I take metro, we actually need about 15 minutes more than we do if we all drive together (one car, he parks at his office). So this morning, it was me saying at 7:45, "Hey, are you sure you'll be ready to go at 8? If not, DD and I will just leave now and take the train" and then me saying, at 8, "Hey, it's 8. I need to go now. Can you step up the pace please?"

It's not just mornings, either. Last year, we almost missed an afternoon flight because he futzed around getting his stuff together while DD and I waited, coats on, to go upstairs and get in the cab to the airport. We were literally the last people to get on the flight.

I don't think he does it intentionally. I think he just genuinely has no idea how long mundane tasks like shaving and putting on shoes actually take. He's also not a person who is really ever inclined to be in a hurry and has essentially structured his life such that he doesn't really have to be anywhere "on time". He can get to work pretty much any time, as long as it's before 10. He makes plans with friends that involve playing things by ear and getting together "around such and such time".

It just makes me really sad that the person I married cannot alter his routine to accommodate mine, and I have no idea how to talk to him about it without him getting defensive and blamey about it.

[dmvwordsmith]

Anonymous wrote:It drives me crazy. He procrastinates getting ready to go in the morning such that everyone is late, gets really defensive if I gently remind him of what time it is and what time he said he would be ready to get out the door. For a while, I tried organizing the mornings totally independently of his schedule, but that's not always possible.

Right now, for example, it is 8:16 and DD is playing with toys on the floor while we wait for him to get dressed and get out the door. I told him I needed to be out the door no later than 8 in order to drop DD off at school and get to work on time. At this rate, I am going to be late. I am an hourly employee so I get docked if I come in late and have to make up the time at lunch.

I knocked on the bathroom door to ask if he would be ready soon and he snapped at me.

My wife does EXACTLY this same thing. It's incredibly frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP with late DH here. Have you thought about the old trick of lying about the time? Say that your boss changed your hours and now you need to leave the house at 7:30.

In the situation above, after he said he would be ready, then I would say "I really need to leave at 8 so if you aren't down here with shoes on at 8 then DD and I are out the door." then do it.

Your second suggestion is more or less what I usually do. The problem is that if DD and I take metro, we actually need about 15 minutes more than we do if we all drive together (one car, he parks at his office). So this morning, it was me saying at 7:45, "Hey, are you sure you'll be ready to go at 8? If not, DD and I will just leave now and take the train" and then me saying, at 8, "Hey, it's 8. I need to go now. Can you step up the pace please?"

It's not just mornings, either. Last year, we almost missed an afternoon flight because he futzed around getting his stuff together while DD and I waited, coats on, to go upstairs and get in the cab to the airport. We were literally the last people to get on the flight.

I don't think he does it intentionally. I think he just genuinely has no idea how long mundane tasks like shaving and putting on shoes actually take. He's also not a person who is really ever inclined to be in a hurry and has essentially structured his life such that he doesn't really have to be anywhere "on time". He can get to work pretty much any time, as long as it's before 10. He makes plans with friends that involve playing things by ear and getting together "around such and such time".

It just makes me really sad that the person I married cannot alter his routine to accommodate mine, and I have no idea how to talk to him about it without him getting defensive and blamey about it.

We are sisters. DH is the same, doesn't do it on purpose, underestimates how long anything will take etc. In this case, I would simply establish a rule that he is on his own for getting to work. Sounds like you could all drive together but you could go earlier and take metro? Just do it and don't even have the discussion. Seriously. Just say something like- Boss has threatened me with my job if I"m not on time. From now on, DD and I are taking metro at 7:45 every day. The end.

[Anonymous]

First of all, you have every right to speak to him in a bitchy tone if his behavior causes you to have to skip your lunch hour to make up time so you're not docked for pay, and you should tell him so.

You should also tell him directly that it makes you sad that you cannot rely on him.

But I agree that you should just plan to take the metro.

[Anonymous]

You should just leave and let him figure out how to get to work on his own. This is ridiculous. I have issues with lateness myself but c'mon, you need to get to work on time!

[Anonymous]

I totally get what you all are saying, but it is just frustrating and really annoying. I love him and he's a great husband and dad in so many, many ways, but in this one area, I feel like I just can't rely on him. Eliminating the uncertainty principle of him from my life entirely just isn't an option. It would mean we'd never do anything as a family. It makes me sad that he cannot recognize that he really, really sucks at this and try to get better at it.

Even if he's in there reading the news on his damn iPad, it's not like there isn't a clock at the top of that screen. It's not like he couldn't set an alarm, give himself some designated procrastination time, etc. and still be in the clear. He just chooses not to.