Not interested in being friends with my SIL

[Anonymous]

My SIL lives close to us and has done some hurtful things to me in the past- smug comments about my parenting, work, husband, and she pulled a few stunts at our wedding as well, and never apologized. I deal with her at holidays and the kids birthdays- am always kind to her children and she is to mine, but I'm really not interested in being friends with her. To extend the olive branch I invited her to coffee a few months ago and she continued to make hurtful comments about my choices, which I happily defended. All summer she has been trying to have us get together but we've all been busy, but I also haven't made the effort to make time for her because I really don't enjoy her company. So far my only solution has been avoiding her to prevent another awkward encounter, but I know that's not the best way to go about it. I'd really appreciate any suggestions.

[Anonymous]

You chose your husband not your SIL. And you are in no way obligated to suffer her presence beyond obligatory family functions and the like.
You can either take a direct or non direct way of maintaining your boundaries.
The direct route would be to let her know you don't mind a relationship with her but the following behavior is out of bounds because you find it offensive. Then lay down the law. Let her know that if she can respect you, your choices, etc...you can move forward. If not, then it's best you guys keep a cordial and distant relationship.
The indirect route is to continue to put her off by just not having time to meet one on one. You can hope she she takes the hint.
Personally, I'm always a fan if directness in these situations. Usually the person isn't used to being called out on their behavior. They either are shocked into acting better or pout and pull away.

[Anonymous]

Avoid contact with assholes.

[Anonymous]

Could you just say "Look, Sally, I need to tell you that some of your past comments have been hurtful and unnecessary. I think we can acknowledge that we have different parenting styles, but I'm just not interested in hearing your critiques of my life. If there's anything I've said to hurt you, I apologize. I hope we can start fresh together."

[Anonymous]

I think just avoid her. As cleansing and lovely as it will feel to say something, it will just be best to say nothing at all. You don't want a major stupid family rift to happen. Just be the flakey SIL who makes bad choices (IN HER EYES obviously!). She will continue to be the nutcase you avoid.

And I feel for you on this one. My REALLY stupid SIL just told me to not send my son to a speech therapist because "of the stigma." Um he has a problem that can easily be corrected, and there is no stigma surrounding that.

Side note - my SIL is childless, but is full of child rearing advice. Not annoying at all!

[Anonymous]

I would agree to occasional get togethers (like once a month or so plus normal family functions like xmas), don't engage when she makes swipes, be polite, and then when she leaves, call your best girlfriend and vent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would agree to occasional get togethers (like once a month or so plus normal family functions like xmas), don't engage when she makes swipes, be polite, and then when she leaves, call your best girlfriend and vent!

I wouldn't necessarily agree to so many get togethers, but I agree with everything else!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would agree to occasional get togethers (like once a month or so plus normal family functions like xmas), don't engage when she makes swipes, be polite, and then when she leaves, call your best girlfriend and vent!

I wouldn't necessarily agree to so many get togethers, but I agree with everything else!

PP here. Yeah, maybe more like every two months. I just think it is easier to see them every once in a while than have drama about not getting together.

[Anonymous]

OP, at least you have a reason to say that you are not interested in being close to your SIL. I have one about whom I can say nothing really bad... I just don't like her. We have completely opposite personalities and outlooks on life. There is nothing right or wrong about either -- I'm just not interested in getting to know her better or spending any time with her, because I simply don't like her.

And after 10 years of marriage, I have learned that that is OK.

You don't have to like your SIL. You do have to be polite to her and have some interaction with her, in the name of family harmony. But that's it.

It sounds like you have a boundary issue, in knowing where to draw the line. I'm still navigating that one myself.

[Anonymous]

i'm totally in the same boat except my sil lives out of state.

as far as the wedding grudges, i have chosen to let those go. i just don't think its worth it to hold on to those forever because there is no point and even if she did wear white to my (not summer) wedding. i can't hold all of the thing she (and her mother) did during that time. i have no good thoughts of my wedding and i don't even like talking about it because they totally ruined it for me but i just can't spend forever using that as a reason to why we can't be close and move on.

i've reached out to my sil a lot over the years to try and build a relationship but she never responds nor does she really reach out to me. additionally, she does a fair amount of making my husband and i look terrible to her parents even if its unfounded or misled. sadly, my mil/fil tend to believe her but we refuse to make her look bad to them just because she is doing it to us.

but after all this time, i am over trying to have a relationship with her but i feel terribly guilty about giving up on the idea of it or trying. i feel like everything would be nicer if we were all close or that our children should know their aunts/uncles and cousins and my dh only sibling should be a bigger part of our lives and i should continue to try and make that happen. but i am just so tired of it and i truly have no desire to keep trying. sometimes i think the relationship i want to have is not possible with the sil i do have? and maybe i feel like everyone will view me as the jerk if i don't keep trying?

obviously, i have no advice just sympathy. and since you live close, i would do what you can to maintain a relationship with your nieces/nephews and provide the opportunity for your children to have a relationship with their aunt/uncle but maybe a relationship with your sil is just not in the cards for you.

what does your dh think of his sister?

[Anonymous]

OP here--thanks so much for the replies. My DH used to think the world of her but he has come around within the last year and her behavior at our wedding basically showed her true colors to many people. MIL and FIL do anything she says, what she says is gospel, so like PP we end up looking bad sometimes for no reason.
Sometimes I feel maybe I'm just being too sensitive, but the commons due hurt-- sending articles about how awful daycare is for children when my daughter goes to one (she is a SAHM), saying I'm feeding my daughter ramen noodles by giving her formula when I couldn't breastfeed, and the most annoying part of her-- she can never let someone else have attention- def showed at our wedding and then when we announced that we were pregnant with dd- the same morning she was telling us how she was definitely done have kids, which she has said at least a dozen times, gotten rid of baby stuff, etc, she got pregnant the next month....
I like my nieces and nephews and don't want there to be a huge divide but need to work on boundary issues. How do you communicate boundaries to people??

[Anonymous]

" i just don't think its worth it to hold on to those forever because there is no point and even if she did wear white to my (not summer) wedding"

OMG, is this real?

[Anonymous]

Can you talk to her about what is bothering you? I just think it is a shame that you can't be friends with someone who could be an important person in your life and the lives of your children. Kids pick up on that stuff. At least try to make things right with her. If that doesn't work, well... then I would say you don't have to be friends with her. At least then you can say that you really put forth your best effort.

[Anonymous]

I'd just tell her. "Larla, I will be kind to you at family functions and welcome the cousins getting along, but do not want to be friends with you because you criticize my parenting/house/clothing/whatever and that lets me know you don't TRULY want to be my friend - you just want to know more about me so you have more to criticize, and I'm sure you can understand why I hold people like that at arm's length. But I wish you all the best."

Some people have never been called out on their shit before in their lives, and generally when I do it I stick to the absolute truths, don't embellish, and it always goes well.

[Anonymous]

I straight up told my SIL I didn't like her. Didn't explain one thing, just said it and never spoke to her again. I refuse to be around miserable people.