Not interested in being friends with my SIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:" i just don't think its worth it to hold on to those forever because there is no point and even if she did wear white to my (not summer) wedding"

OMG, is this real?

yes, it is.


op: fwiw, i think one of the reasons i am torn about this is the fact that i watched my mom never get along with my dads sister. she never hid her feelings from her kids, made any effort with her, etc. to this day my mom has never given me a reason why she doesnt like her and she cant even act nice about visiting with her for lunch once every few years. regardless of how i feel about my sil i never want my kids to hear anything negative about her from me nor do i want them to witness my dislike for her.

[Anonymous]

There is a big range between active dislike and refusing to see someone and choosing to be their BFF.

Aim for a cordial, calm, friendly but cool relationship. "I'm so sorry, I just don't have time in the day for all the things I'd like to get in. I'm glad we get together as regularly as we do with the various family events but I just can't do more."

I've used my increased demands w/ family, marriage, in-laws, children, etc.. to help me navigate the waters of demanding friends and family. It isn't hurtful (and it's probably true) to say that you just don't have time for everything you'd like to do. She doesn't need to know that when you had time you'd choose anything other than her - she just needs to hear no, and in a way that isn't likely to change.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

minimize interactions. get together with the whole family only. no need to have special girls time coffees for you to get blasted on your personal choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:minimize interactions. get together with the whole family only. no need to have special girls time coffees for you to get blasted on your personal choices.

This.
SIL and I both married into the family (married brothers, neither of us is "the daughter"). We - Dh and I - have nothing in common with them (it's not just SIl in our case) and in some cases they have actively done stuff that has pissed us off (and the rest of the family).
I have always said, and continue to say, that I want a minimal relationship with them, so that when their kids need to come live with us for awhile (I totally see this coming) we won't be complete strangers. I DO want us to have a relationship with the kids, but frankly if you say "cousins" I know THOSE are not the kids who pop into our kids' heads.

For the sake of MIL and FIL, who are on good terms with everyone, we all grin and bear it. We will occasionally get together, maybe lunch out, for one of the kids' birthdays or something, but there is little to no effort at extracurricular socializing. If we DO make plans, chances are one of us will cancel due to a sick kid (at least that's the excuse lol).

I think why this works is 1, DH and I are completely in agreement on the amount of socializing required and 2, I don't mind socializing with her every now and then, so that I have more good "OMG I can't believe she said this" stories for my REAL friends

[Anonymous]

Slightly off topic. How open are you with DH about your feelings about hi parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you just say "Look, Sally, I need to tell you that some of your past comments have been hurtful and unnecessary. I think we can acknowledge that we have different parenting styles, but I'm just not interested in hearing your critiques of my life. If there's anything I've said to hurt you, I apologize. I hope we can start fresh together."

I prefer a more unfiltered approach. "Sally, you're a clueless incompetent jerk. Back off B***!"