Uninvited mom with history of lack of support from visiting around baby's birth

[Anonymous]

My mom has a history of not supporting me emotionally. When I was a child she threw away my diaries chronicling my dad's physical and emotional abuse and lied to concerned parents to hide the evidence. When I grew up she wasn't there for me during other emotional crises and once even helped a sibling hide a car they'd borrowed and refused to return for months.

Through therapy, hers and mine, we've worked to get to a better place.

Or so I thought...

I am now bedridden and 35 weeks into a very high risk pregnancy. Unfortunately, our poor toddler was playing with our dog (who apparently hadn't had the month's flea treatment) and now has well over 50 flea bites over her arms and legs. Kiddo is miserable and we've been in ongoing communique with her pediatrician about her treatment. I hauled myself out of bed to help comfort and care for her (which involves meds every 6 hours, baths 3 times daily with tea tree and vitamin E, multiple reapplications of anti itch creams several times daily and nightly). DH went on a blitz to rid the house on top of all the other duties he's had to take on.

I'm normally a tough chick but hearing my poor munchkin in distress, coupled with emotional turmoil I'm going through as I worry about her, our unborn baby's heart defects, the constant illness and pain I'm in, and financial impact of reduced pay on short term disability, and stress DH is under....I hit a wall.

I called for a listening ear and she didn't want to hear it. In fact, she did what she's done so many times and avoided me and the topic altogether.

I ended up getting what I needed in that moment from my wonderful BFF also from my DH. But as I thought about my mom's visit for the pending birth, I realized that presence would just prove more stressful. I'd worry whether she was going to be there emotionally in the way that I need. I'd worry constantly about her coming through.

So I shared with her my disappointment and concerns and asked her not to come "help."
Am I going to far? Should I give her a chance if she reaches out?

[Anonymous]

My mom responds like this when I need her. She just can't take it. So I don't ask her anymore, have not in a long time. I think you should not uninvite her, or maybe kindly and tactfully shorten her visit. Don't burn bridges with her if you can help it, just draw some boundaries while you get through this stressful time and continue to get your support elsewhere.

Don't expect something she can't give. And no, it's not fair and it sucks.

[Anonymous]

First of all, your kid with the flea bites will be fine. I had tons of flea bites growing up and survived.

As for your mom, I would go with whatever path will bring the least drama into your life.

[Anonymous]

I too was going to say flea bites suck but are not in any way a crisis. I grew up before flea treatment was available for dogs other than a crappy collar that did nothing and I lived to tell about it. So I wouldn't spend too much energy worrying about it thigh I think your a good mom for trying to reduce her discomfort.

As for your mom, follow your gut. If she will make you miserable or create more work, then don't have her come. Giving birth is stressful enough.

[Anonymous]

I think you did the right thing telling your mom not to come. You need help and emotional support. Your mom will never be what you want her to be. Mourn that and find others to fill that role.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I should have clarified that kiddo is allergic to several insects, turns out fleas included. So her reaction was beyond the normal bug bites. Think huge purple red welts covering her body. So it takes a bit more to give her relief.
She's feeling a bit better with the regimen and hopefully I can minimize permanent scarring.
Sound advice about my mom. Her emotional capacity to fully meet my needs in that regard are limited. I know this but sometimes the heart goes soft and overrides learned history and experience.
At least I can learn from her example on what not to do and try to be a better mom in that regard to my kids.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you, OP. I know how difficult this is band you sort of have to go through the grieving period (as a PP noted) to get through it. If uninviting her for the birth will reduce stress, and it sounds like it will, you did the right thing. We all make choices in our lives and your mother has made hers. Glad you won't make similar ones with your kids. Hugs!

[Anonymous]

You guys won't believe this. She just texted me: "I am the mother God gave you. You misinterpret things. I am and have always been there for you. I am still coming."
Sigh.
If I hadn't read the narcissist mom info from the other thread, I might feel as if I'm going crazy.
Gonna take some deep breaths before responding.
Advice please?

[Anonymous]

Avoid contact with the assholes that God gave you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys won't believe this. She just texted me: "I am the mother God gave you. You misinterpret things. I am and have always been there for you. I am still coming."
Sigh.
If I hadn't read the narcissist mom info from the other thread, I might feel as if I'm going crazy.
Gonna take some deep breaths before responding.
Advice please?

Call her back. "You are not welcome to stay in our home. I am sorry that is hurtful to you, but you have hurt me and I can not have you here since you continue to do that on a regular basis. This is not up for negotiation. You will be turned away at the hospital and at our front door."

If she has a key, change the locks. She will NEVER be the mother you want, or that she claims to be. If she wants the respect of "elderly mother" then she needs to MOTHER you, not jerk you around.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you handled this very well. Your mother can't be what you need. That isn't who she is. You are demanding something from her that she can't give and then you are punishing her for it. That's really not fair to her.

It is awful to have a parent that you need something from and can't get. I had a mom like that. I understand how you feel. At the same time, you are never going to get what you want/need from her. You have to accept her for who she is. She isn't going to be someone different. Ever. Punishing her by cutting her off entirely is just causing drama and strife and unhappiness. You need to accept her for who she is and accept what she can give to you. If she can't meet your needs for mothering, find someone who can mother you. You might start with a therapist.

Call her back and apologize and tell her that you are stressed out and emotional. Tell her that you will reschedule for a time when you are less emotional and hormonal. If she insists on coming, get her a hotel room, or get yourself a hotel room and hide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you handled this very well. Your mother can't be what you need. That isn't who she is. You are demanding something from her that she can't give and then you are punishing her for it. That's really not fair to her.

It is awful to have a parent that you need something from and can't get. I had a mom like that. I understand how you feel. At the same time, you are never going to get what you want/need from her. You have to accept her for who she is. She isn't going to be someone different. Ever. Punishing her by cutting her off entirely is just causing drama and strife and unhappiness. You need to accept her for who she is and accept what she can give to you. If she can't meet your needs for mothering, find someone who can mother you. You might start with a therapist.

Call her back and apologize and tell her that you are stressed out and emotional. Tell her that you will reschedule for a time when you are less emotional and hormonal. If she insists on coming, get her a hotel room, or get yourself a hotel room and hide.

For the love of God, no. No. A thousand times no.

OP isn't cutting Mom off entirely, just telling her that she shouldn't come to "help" when she has the baby. She is absolutely entitled to make sure the people who are around her actually will "help" her after she gives birth, and be a source of comfort and assistance. Accepting her mother for who she is means accepting that she won't be a help, and making other arrangements (which is precisely what happened here). It does NOT mean that Mom is entitled to come and act however she wants. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

No. No one needs to visit you in the hospital, not even your mom. She can wait until you feel up to it emotionally. Too bad, so sad for her.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP. Stand your ground and protect your sanity and stress levels - by doing so you are also doing the best thing possible for your baby.

Tell your mother that you're sorry but for your own sake, and your family's, she is not welcome at the birth. You will let her know when you feel up to company.

If need be tell her that you are on enforced bedrest - which includes minimal visitors, no stress, no guests, etc... so she doesn't try to come beforehand.

Invoke the trump card of your baby's risky health status and play it up as needed.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you handled this very well. Your mother can't be what you need. That isn't who she is. You are demanding something from her that she can't give and then you are punishing her for it. That's really not fair to her.

It is awful to have a parent that you need something from and can't get. I had a mom like that. I understand how you feel. At the same time, you are never going to get what you want/need from her. You have to accept her for who she is. She isn't going to be someone different. Ever. Punishing her by cutting her off entirely is just causing drama and strife and unhappiness. You need to accept her for who she is and accept what she can give to you. If she can't meet your needs for mothering, find someone who can mother you. You might start with a therapist.

Call her back and apologize and tell her that you are stressed out and emotional. Tell her that you will reschedule for a time when you are less emotional and hormonal. If she insists on coming, get her a hotel room, or get yourself a hotel room and hide.

WTF? Are you OP's mother?