Dealing with sister's immaturity

[Anonymous]

She's in her early 30's, educated, a wife and a mother but still acts like a teenager with me. She has in the past admitted that she will intentionally wait a few days or longer before responding to my email or call just to keep me at a distance. When she feels like it, she's friendly and wants to talk and I'm expected to jump at the chance. It feels like a mind fuck and screws with my emotions. I've tried apologizing and asking what I've done and she will bring up things I said 10-15 years ago...teenage sibling rivalry type things. I love her kids and she loves mine but its near impossible for them to have a relationship if we can't communicate. She wants me in her life but only when she feels like it. It's hurtful and drives me crazy but I don't want to cut her off so I take what I can get. She's not interested in talking things out so I have to be very careful not to piss her off or she will cut me off for weeks, months, even years.
Any advice on how to deal with this?

[Anonymous]

Can you deal with her husband instead?

Stop apologizing!

[Anonymous]

That is way messed up. I agree that there is a middle ground between putting up with this and completely cutting her off. You won't find the simple LASTING solution, though, here.

I would suggest you talk with a therapist so you can unlearn some bad habits (like apologizing). A therapist could be that objective voice to help you transition from being at the mercy of your sister's games to a confident woman who doesn't engage in such nonsense. This will take some time on your part. You may find yourself taking two steps forward and then a step back at times. When you change your behavior, it will upset the dynamic with your sister. A good therapist will help you navigate through that.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

What a nightmare. She sounds immature and bitchy. Can't she put aside her drama for the sake of the kids? Can you try talking to her husband?

[Anonymous]

Stop trying. This woman is not your friend, regardless of whether she is your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is way messed up. I agree that there is a middle ground between putting up with this and completely cutting her off. You won't find the simple LASTING solution, though, here.

I would suggest you talk with a therapist so you can unlearn some bad habits (like apologizing). A therapist could be that objective voice to help you transition from being at the mercy of your sister's games to a confident woman who doesn't engage in such nonsense. This will take some time on your part. You may find yourself taking two steps forward and then a step back at times. When you change your behavior, it will upset the dynamic with your sister. A good therapist will help you navigate through that.

Good luck.

+1000 - you can only control your reaction and not her behavior. I agree with this poster than you should seek therapy for yourself.

[Anonymous]

I generally do not apologize and accept abuse in my life, it is just this screwy dynamic I have with my sister. We either have no communication at all, or it is me walking on eggshels hoping I don't do anything to set her off. She's always been bitchy and very sensitive (reads into things, creates drama etc.) if she weren't my sister, I would never have someone like that in my life. What it comes down to is, she doesn't want or need me in her life, she couldn't be more clear about that. I'm the only who feels sad that my kids won't have a relationship with their only set of cousins and I don't have my only sibling in my life.

The most recent incident/example of her behavior: she returned one of my emails 2 weeks later and signed off "hope (my son) has a great first day back at school." Except she called my son the wrong name. I know she knows his name. It was an intentional watch how little I care sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

OP, your kids (and you) are better off with non-family-member friends who treat them with affection and respect and consideration than with blood relatives who treat them like something scraped off a shoe. Invest in a new family, even if you have to build it out of friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, your dynamic with your sister sounds very familiar to me. I'm the oldest and have this kind of see-sawing/only there when I need you/constant drama dynamic also. Mine isn't quite as hurtful as what you're describing though.

But like a couple of pps said - you can only control how you decide to react/manage/respond/engage - you can't change her.

It is EXTREMELY difficult to rewire your emotional reactions for something like this. But if you can find a way to work on it you can probably free yourself from a good deal of the drama, and even teach her that her games are largely a waste of time.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is way messed up. I agree that there is a middle ground between putting up with this and completely cutting her off. You won't find the simple LASTING solution, though, here.

I would suggest you talk with a therapist so you can unlearn some bad habits (like apologizing). A therapist could be that objective voice to help you transition from being at the mercy of your sister's games to a confident woman who doesn't engage in such nonsense. This will take some time on your part. You may find yourself taking two steps forward and then a step back at times. When you change your behavior, it will upset the dynamic with your sister. A good therapist will help you navigate through that.

Good luck.

OP, I agree strongly with this post. Please consider getting yourself into therapy. Those of us suggesting therapy are not saying you're wrong or messed up -- we're saying that you need to examine why you care so much about having a sibling in your life that you tolerate the treatment she dishes out. You want a sibling, but you may be clinging to an image of an ideal relationship that does not exist and never did exist between you; you seem to want to hold out hope that things will change when clearly, things won't change on her side, and you need some professional help to weigh whether it is worthwhile for YOU to try to maintain this so-called relationship.

And the issue isn't really that she's "immature." That term indicates you rather hope she'll outgrow all this nonsense. She won't. She's not immature; she's got a manipulative and toxic personality, and is not going to change for you or for the sake of the kids.

Seeing a therapist is not just about unlearning to apologize. I'd see one to find out what has been lacking in your life that you want this relationship in spite of her behaviors. I would also focus on building strong, positive relationships with family friends and their kids, rather than letting a blood tie have so much sway over you. You can make your own "family" and it doesn't necessarily have to involve a toxic person who just happens to have the same parents as you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is way messed up. I agree that there is a middle ground between putting up with this and completely cutting her off. You won't find the simple LASTING solution, though, here.

I would suggest you talk with a therapist so you can unlearn some bad habits (like apologizing). A therapist could be that objective voice to help you transition from being at the mercy of your sister's games to a confident woman who doesn't engage in such nonsense. This will take some time on your part. You may find yourself taking two steps forward and then a step back at times. When you change your behavior, it will upset the dynamic with your sister. A good therapist will help you navigate through that.

Good luck.

OP, I agree strongly with this post. Please consider getting yourself into therapy. Those of us suggesting therapy are not saying you're wrong or messed up -- we're saying that you need to examine why you care so much about having a sibling in your life that you tolerate the treatment she dishes out. You want a sibling, but you may be clinging to an image of an ideal relationship that does not exist and never did exist between you; you seem to want to hold out hope that things will change when clearly, things won't change on her side, and you need some professional help to weigh whether it is worthwhile for YOU to try to maintain this so-called relationship.

And the issue isn't really that she's "immature." That term indicates you rather hope she'll outgrow all this nonsense. She won't. She's not immature; she's got a manipulative and toxic personality, and is not going to change for you or for the sake of the kids.

Seeing a therapist is not just about unlearning to apologize. I'd see one to find out what has been lacking in your life that you want this relationship in spite of her behaviors. I would also focus on building strong, positive relationships with family friends and their kids, rather than letting a blood tie have so much sway over you. You can make your own "family" and it doesn't necessarily have to involve a toxic person who just happens to have the same parents as you.

Spot on. Completely agree.