Help me understand my husband - - going back to work for no reason other than jealousy?

[Anonymous]

Where to start? I recently quit my job of 15 years to stay home with the kids. I was happy about it, DH was reluctantly agreeable. Part of the reason was that my job required 25% overnight travel, and DH's job required a 90 day overseas stint once a year, as well as various calls out to anywhere US or abroad on a moment's notice (always on call, 24/7). My mom used to come out and help us when I'd have to travel, but she recently had a bad turn of health and is also taking care of my dad. Both are over 70 and really can't watch the kids or travel much anymore. We had a nanny but she had night school and we cannot house another person for a live-in. At the time, it made the most sense to stop struggling with our schedules and worrying about catching planes and relieving moms and nannies pitching in to fill the gaps.

Fast forward 7 months, and DH is absolutely miserable in his job. He works ridiculously long hours plus a 1 hr commute each way. He doesn't get home most nights until 7:30 or 8:00 and the kids are getting ready for bed. He's stressed and tired, and wants to play with them but is often crabby and grouchy with them. I take the brunt of his stress verbally; he doesn't even try to suppress it with me. But that's another issue. Suffice it to say, he needs an outlet for his stress but has no time for the gym with his job and hours.

He looks at me as "getting what I wanted", which was to stay home. He says things like, "I just have to work, that's just the way it is. Nobody's going to work so *I* can stay home." or "Well, guess I have to go to work again at the crack of dawn, so that we can afford to pay the bills." I cannot stand the martyr role - it's so passive-aggressive. With the economy taking a nosedive, his goal of relocating to a less stressful job in a smaller city with a lower cost of living is fading fast. He will get any promotion he puts in for, but none are opening up and even if one opened up tomorrow, he would not feasibly get to leave his current job for 6 months due to the chain of events that have to occur first.

I know he's stressed and feels trapped in a job he hates. He can't leave the job because he needs to hit 57 first to be most marketable at retirement, so a total job/ employer change isn't an option either. But I can't help him solve the job problem either... I suggest meeting him for lunch midday with the kids so he can see them more, and he says he can't even break away for lunch. I can't think of ways to take the work stress off him, but I don't think me going back to work is going to make things any better. He actually said if he's working this hard, I should get a job and work this hard too. As if somehow making me suffer, is going to make him feel better. I feel like I am working hard, granted not as hard as him with the travel and on call standby but I should get some credit for keeping things quiet for him domestically. We struggled every time I had to schedule an out of town meeting, trying to make sure I didn't overlap or pinch him somehow at work. My clients didn't get near the face time they deserved, I can tell you that.

Any ideas on how to approach him? It's like he's hell-bent on making sure that if he's miserable, I am too. There is also no chance of going back to my job, as they are laying off 10,000 people and are part of the bailout plan. I can't see a way to pull down enough money to cover childcare and the bump into a higher tax bracket, without adding travel or stress to our already miserable situation.

[Anonymous]

"he's hell-bent on making sure that if he's miserable, I am too"

I think this is the key to what is going on. The issue really isn't whether or not you work. The issue is that he is miserable right now, and feeling stuck with that misery, so he is taking it out on you (probably because he's so busy that he doesn't interact with anyone out side of his office that he could also take it out on).

I think you need to frame a discussion in terms of how he is feeling, how much it is actually linked to work (was he miserable before you quit your job), and how to make him less miserable. It sounds like his desire to have you go back to work is more a rash reaction to his misery than a workable solution, but I don't think you should tell him that it is off the table as a solution. Make him think it is a possibility, but then as you talk through solutions ask him how to handle the fact that your parents can't help out as much, etc.

[Anonymous]

I know this isn't the best time to do this, but have the two of you considered selling your home and moving to a location which is closer for your husband? It seems to me this alone would alleviate a lot of the stress and pressure he is feeling.

[Anonymous]

"he's hell-bent on making sure that if he's miserable, I am too"

"I think this is the key to what is going on. The issue really isn't whether or not you work. "


I don't know about this. It was really telling to me when you started by saying that your husband was only reluctantly agreeable to your quitting your job.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to MAN UP and stop complaining!

[Anonymous]

sounds to me like he should be working on getting out of this job and into a new one or else both of you will be working on getting out of the marriage. i understand his misery because if i were under that kind of extreme stress and hated my job, i would be miserable to everyone around me as well. my dh has been through phases where he hates his job and there's little YOU can do about it to alleviate that. something about the situation has to give. make sure it isn't your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to MAN UP and stop complaining!

this is incredibly simplistic and dumb. have you ever had an hour commute each way and worked long days? no human can man up forever.

[Anonymous]

You should consider family counseling. I know it takes time but you two are not on the same page on this. Its only going to get worse if you don't address. This is complex issue and you are going to need help in peeling back the onion. I was in the same position - basically miserable and blaming my husband for everything and feeling like i was carrying the world on my back. Counseling is helping. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Our family is kind of in the same position and I really feel for you. We are civilian, though.

I don't have a solution but I will tell you this: the situation has made our marriage a toxic one, to the point where every week I have to decide whether it's better to leave. Whether it's better for DCs to have an intact family, or, better for them to not listen to Daddy using Mommy as a verbal punching bag because Daddy hates his job/hours/line of work.

Can he take anti-anxiety meds without raising red flags for his work? It sounds like he's military/reserves/clearance, so maybe not. But it so, at a minimum you can insist that he begin taking 5-10mgs of something to take that edge off.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. It must really suck. This is a major issue -- the decision to stay home really only works if you both are equally invested in it and if you both think it's best for your family. For me, it's such a blow to my confidence and self-worth to stay home (which I am right now). If I didn't have my husband supporting this decision, I honestly don't think I'd do it.

My husband's commute can sometimes be 1.5 - two hours at night and is home after or just before the kids are in bed. He leaves so early in the AM it's only 40 mins or so then. We live here because it's cheap and close to family. He hates his job and feels incredibly stressed -- he's in financial services -- about his future there. So I totally know what you're going through. My husband's attitude is thank god, you are willing to stay home b/c it wouldn't work if we both were working/traveling/dealing with long commutes. It actually makes our life less stressful.

I agree with the PPs, you need to really talk or if that doesn't work, get counseling. Something has to change. But I also how stuck you are: jobs are tough to find and now is now the easiest time to sell or buy a house.

Again, I'm very sorry. These are tense, scary times for all of us. Hope it works out.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To address a few points made by PP's... yes, DH was on board with my quitting to stay home with the kids, but he added "conditions" to it. Namely, that he gets more authority with the money. Which has caused problems in our relationship and balance of power (there is none, it's all his). So, he would tell you I am not pulling my end of the bargain b/c I don't keep the house clean to his standards, or don't make the right kind of dinner (if he's home to eat it).

Counseling would be great, but he doesn't have time to breathe much less sit down in an office way back out in Loudoun county where we live, between the hours of 10-6. It's just not going to happen, even if he thought it meant the end of the marriage. He'd say I was asking for the impossible given his job situation, and trying to look for an excuse to leave.

I do think he is bipolar almost, but no way in hell would he ever see a doc to be dx'd, much less take any meds. They would be on his record, and probably cost him some degree of clearance. Second strike.

Our marriage is teetering, and we can't communicate worth a darn. I am trying to be supportive, but I'm also tired of being used as a punching bag emotionally. I can go back to work, especially part time - but another nanny is going to cost dearly and our youngest is just adjusting to preschool half days. He didn't transition into full daycare before - he was miserable. I'm hoping DH isn't blind to that in his zeal to pull me into the misery pit with him.

I don't know what else to do. Me working isn't going to make his job less stressful. He stresses about money, so it's compounding his frustration that we took a beating in the stocks, on the house, in the kids 529b's, we have one in braces coming up.... My paycheck isn't going to solve these problems, but he sure thinks it is.

I can go to counseling myself and probably should... It doesn't help that I am not a very good emoter myself. I'm trying to be sympathetic, but I can't solve this problem for him. And the martyr act is so ridiculous it makes me want to gag... but I keep a game face on and sympathize away. To which I get "You just don't understand. I'll just muddle through and figure something out myself."

[Anonymous]

Question from the OP: would a pending divorce also affect his clearance? That might give him a jolt back into reality if that's what he's thinking...

[Anonymous]

I agree that it sounds like the core of the issue is that he's not supportive of you not working. So, you either need to find a way to sit down with him and have one or two or multiple difficult conversations so that you both come around to being on the same page - or you need to go back to work, at least part time, so that he doesn't feel like he's carrying all the burden. While my DH isn't as bitter as yours sounds (and doesn't hate his job), I know that he is jealous that I'm not working right now while he's responsible for being the sole bread winner. It can be a lot of burden on someone and I think you need to look at that being a potential source of a lot of his stress. Did he act this way before you quit your job or was he easier before?
Also, you mentioned in your second post that he is definitely stressed about money, but that your paycheck wouldn't do anything to help that. Granted, I don't know your situation, but why wouldn't bringing in more income for the family help alleviate financial stress in some way? Unless childcare costs just cancel out your earnings, but you didn't mention that as a reason for you quitting initially.
Bottom line - I suspect it's just not all attributable to "work stress" and that there's nothing you can do to help make it better. Perhaps there are things you can be doing - you just don't want to see them. And believe me, I understand where you are coming from but just trying to give my honest opinion.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I definitely think you should go to counseling if he won't, OP. You need to find a way to sort through these issues and deal with DH's issues. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

His behavior is uncalled for, but is anyone trying to put themselves in this poor guy's shoes? He's working long hours in a job he doesn't like, he never gets to spend time with his family, and, in his mind, his wife is living the life she want while he shoulders the entire financial burden. I know it was a mutual decision, but it sounds like he's under a lot of stress.